The Fixer's WEEK FORE: So... Which One Are You???

WEEK FORE

So which one are you???

Sports fans can be divided into 3 groups: Group One is comprised of the fans who are stupid enough to be Jedi-mindtricked by all the two bit hack "writers" out there into believing and caring about all the non stories they blow out of proportion. Tim Tebow shits in the woods, I know what he had for lunch! Nick Saban to Texas? Brett Farve’s dong on Twitter! Gullible mouth breathers, the undecided voters, the "people" who vote for the People’s Choice Awards, that’s the only way to explain how Adam Sandler keeps winning for the abortions he passes as movies. Advertisers make millions telling these idiots how awesome a fucking taco made out of Doritos is, and these fools scarf them down by the box full. So which one are you???

Group Two are the angry, paranoid, mentally unstable fans. They sit and wait for one of these writers to make any comment or pen any piece of crap column that in any way attacks, suggests, or breathes on their favorite team. "Ohio St cheated??? No way, fuck you, I hate you, I’m gonna rip out your spine and kill your whole family!!!" My own personal definition of a red neck, or hick, hillbilly, white trash, Mainiac(from Maine of course), window licker, etc is very extensive in getting outlook, attitude and irrational thinking out there for everyone to understand. One key piece of that Red Neck definition is anger, they’re ALWAYS pissed of about something. The paranoia and inbred eyes are two other easily spottable traits. Once they learn to use a computer or a phone, they attack with pure hatred, anyone who dares give an opinion of their favorite sports team. So many of the hack writers purposely cater their poorly written attempts at journalism towards riling up these troglodytes. So which one are you???

Group Three is the smallest in polulation, they are the ones who just show up in front of their TV or at the stadium and watch the games. They read the articles in the paper or online to get stats, interesting info on the game or whatever. They are unaffected by the trolling hacks, the internet rumors, the Power Rankings or whatever garbage the other two groups live & feed off of. They don’t wear jerseys, they don’t take their shirts off in January in Green Bay, and they are mostly college graduates. The sports media HATES these people, bc they aren’t emotionally unstable in either direction of the other groups. They aren’t swayed in one direction by some hate piece drummed up to elicit an emotional response. They have other things on their mind during the week than sports and rumors and heresay and what scum bag internet baffoon thinks is the Real Deal or whatever…

 

So… which one are you???

LSU -17 vs Auburn- The time I’ve spent in Alafuckinbama this summer was utterly pathetic. The local radio mouth breathers were put under pressure to talk up the Tigers so that their white trash followers wouldn’t band together and refuse to listen to their program because some people would actually tell it like it is: You roll metal poles! You suck! Wow! A white trash tradition of heritage if I’ve ever heard of one… Then we get to The Pelican State, where mud-stained rubes talk with pebbles in their mouths and eat anything that ever had parents as they slowly sink into the Gulf of Mexico.

PITTSBURGH -3½ @ Duke- The Pirates are finally gonna turn the corner, so who the hell is watching their milktoast amateur football team and who the hell knows what conference they play in? I suppose they’re just happy that a 6-6 season won’t relegate them to another bowl game in Bombhingham… What?? Too soon?? If you think that comment was offbase, just go to www.al.com, click on any Civil Rights article and go read the comments... It'll really disappoint you that people still think like that...

TENNESSEE +17 @ Flor-Duh- This may be the worst primetime game that Verne The Hutt has ever attempted to comment on to his clueless mouth breather audience. UT fans should be aware of their Gayter counterparts pissing in cups and dumping them over the rail onto the unsuspecting hillbillies… But that's as close as some of them will get to a (golden) shower in the next month.

UTAH +7 @ BYU- I like early and midseason rivalry games, so I have always watched bit & pieces of The Mormon Moron War. Although, its hard to get behind two fan bases who rat out their own fans for smuggling contraband into the games and signing honor codes that they won’t drink Diet Pepsi Free and load up on Prozak but not Chewy Flintstones Vitamins.

MICHIGAN -17½ @ UConn- Rumor has it that in 2004 some UM alum bet his insurance agent from Stoors a case of beer that the Wolverines would win a NC in any sport before his Huskies kissed a trophy. Then a couple of years later, he went double or nothing, which turned into his football team having to travel to a 31,000 seat stadium to play a nonconference game in the shadows of all the Hartford miniscrapers.

WEST VIRGINIA +5 @ Maryland- Good news fans! Looks like these two pillow fighters will keep playing each other, which means FOX1 has set its schedule for September for the next 8 years. Looks like FXXXXX will have to settle for Temple vs Villanova for now. I haven’t been able to sleep the last few nights just thinking about the uniform monstrosities these second rate programs will upchuck on us. When did gray become an official school color of so many schools???

TENNESSEE DIRECTIONAL SCHOOL #148 -3½ @ Florida Oceanic Academy- Both schools graduated to a new conference after being held back a number of years for not being able to run programs at a C+ level. I knew a kid in 6^th grade that had failed so many times he could drive to school. And it became a huge issue for the principal to allow the kid to park his car in the faculty parking lot since there was no student parking for 12yr olds! Go figure in Bham City Schools… Later that year he robbed Munchie’s Food Mart and they arrested him later in our Social Studies class.

THE ALAMO -2 @ The Pass- Too bad Mike Price retired to Pensacola Beach, it would have been fun seeing two old coots attempting to tell 19 old urban kids from Houston & Dallas to play disciplined and go to class. San Antonio attracts tourists to visit the Riverwalk, and learn about the rich history of the Lone Star State; El Paso attracts river rats and drug dealers to their dusty hellhole excuse of a town where it rains mud and sand is the official beverage…

TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

Ball St/ EMU Over 57- No one plays defense

LSU/ Auburn Under 55½- LSU plays defense

Alabama/ Colorado St Over 51- The Tide usually plays defense

Syracuse/ Tulane Over 54- Dome teams play no defense

　

Selah…