Week 2 aka “Weak of Ass Games”
This past week,
Gonzo began his month-long dreary trek of radio spots on 2-bit sports talk
shows in Treacherous flea bag cities, which unfortunately landed him in
Knoxville – which is possibly the only place in the world where “fisting” and
killing your prey is part of a fine dining experience, but we’ll get into that
later. What can I say – I’ll do anything
to tout my sterling 6-1 ATS record from Week 1.
This week’s slate of games is inexplicably shittier than last week’s garbage
fires, but at least they’re chock full of slime ball, whiny, sniveling,
alcoholic coaches (and those are their better traits…) to kick around. Anyhaught... onwards and upwards to this week’s
selections and of course Week 2’s Sage Advice: Don’t Eat the Brown Acid….
5 Star Platinum Picks
Arizona -10 @ UNLV: Helpful advice for you
junkies: go against the Rebs all
season. Do It Now! Sources tell Gonzo
the fix is Officially In for their play-uhs
and lame-duck rapist coach. Their
bank roll at year’s end will rival UT and Butch Jones’ “recently discovered”
recruiting fund (as Gonzo’s team found out during our horrific stay in
KnoxVegas this week). But we’ll also get into
that later. This week, Rich Rod’s Sorta
Rican offense, which always kicks in Year 2, and the Desert Rats will take it
out on the Circus-Circus Rebels.
5 Star Picks
Cincinnati -8 @ Illinois: Much like Jewish
bartenders, most college coaches are Treacherous, but perhaps the biggest slimy
jag-off since the Sherrill/Switzer daze is Illini coach Tim Beckman, the only dude
with the balls to camp out in Rape Country last year trying to recruit current Penn
State players. In any case, Tommy
Tubesteak (the Moral Compass of these 2 jizzwads) can fart off 2 cans of Skyline
chili and text his 2 mistresses and his BobCocks will still roll the hapless Injuns
in Champaign Supernova.
Minnesota -14.5 @ N. Mejico State: Next week’s Gonzo
radio caravan will take him to the Twin Cities, as he takes in a Twinkies game
and does a bit on a low rent AM sports station where he’ll desperate fight the
urge to use Fargo references and accents – you betcha. Hopefully this time
around, his St. Paul-based attorney won’t make of fool of himself by spilling
piping hot wing sauce and bong water all over himself. At least Jerry Kill and the Gophers will be
Half the World Away in Las Cruces (“Hey –
we’re, like.. you know… pretty close to where AMC films that TV show about meth
with the Seinfeld dentist!!”) putting
up 40 plus on the Ags.
4 Star Picks
Toledo +17 @ Mizzou: To paraphrase Gunnery Sargent
Hartman: “Who's the slimy little
communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death
warrant by returning for a 2nd year in the SEC? Gary Pinkel,
huh?!” Coach Pinkel might be a
2-timing, alcoholic, spouse-abusing, DUI magnet… But at least he’s not a
Communist. And at least this cold-hearted
son of a bitch still has a soft-spot for the Pocket Rockets and will put on the
brakes before this game gets out of hand.
Plus he can still get out in time for nickel beer and horse meat tacos
in downtown Columbia.
Southern Cal -15 vs. Washington State: It’s really hard
to root for either of these arrogant, entitled, low-life, wretched buckets of
shit for head coaches. But I hate Mike
Leach less – only because he will manage to break all of Mike Price’s carousing
and drinking records by the time he’s done in Pullman. After his beat-down in the Coliseum on
Saturday, don’t be surprised to find him passed out later that night at Whiskey
a Go Go, reeking of dead hooker…
3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)
Navy +13 @ Indiana:
They say Hoosiers and Semen have similar traits, but this game will feature
contrasting styles, what with Hot Head Kevin Wilson’s corn-fed Luftwaffe trying
to penetrate the Silly Sailors’ defensive portals. But this week won’t be easy for the Hicks
from French Lick, and we’ll call for the Middies to possibly pull off a SU
upset and the locals to begin worshipping their creepy basketball coach earlier
than normal. Kelvin Sampson must be
rollin’ over in his grave....
Georgia -3 vs. S. Carolina: After last Saturday’s
choke job, the AJC’s headline proudly exclaimed “Dogs run out of time”. Again….
If UGA’s water-head coaches, media homers, and goddamn delusional fans
would ever stop making excuses, then maybe that program could win more than one
title every 50 years. Anyway, the Third Richt has to win or he will suffer the
same career death spiral fate as his 2 predecessors (Goff poisoning people with
fried chicken and Donnan about to serve time in a Federal Pound Me in the Ass
prison).
Arkansas State +12 @ Awbern: Staying in the state of Georgia and sticking
with the theme of rube fan bases, we move down to Jurdun-Hare, where the Awbie
faithful think they’ve found their messiah in Gus Calzone (“It’s a God and Family Thing down here, cuz!”). However, the Arkie State boyz will be playing
extra hard against their former coach.
ASU keeps it close, and afterwards, creepy War Eagle fans resume their
sordid stalking of Bama players and taking pictures of their cars. Yes, they do that down there.
OK For
Now…
BC Gonzo
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