Week 3 aka “Weak of Morbid Obesity”
I’m in a particularly foul mood tonight, as I’m working on 2 hours sleep after spending the better part of 3 days in Minnesota consulting with my sketchy, money-grubbing attorney (for anonymity’s sake, we’ll call him “J. Sheehan”. No.. that’s much too obvious. We’ll call him “Jack S.”) and doing 3rd tier Twin City radio shows lucky enough to have frequencies reaching Duluth. In any case, at least Gonzo’s team gleaned 3 very important insights into the North Star State: 1) The majority of the population does, in fact, smell like Ketchup and Ranch Sauce; 2) They’re very proud to have welcomed their 38th black citizen this year; and 3) Sans-a-Belt slacks are mandatory for males over the age of 26. Gonzo’s Week 3 Sage Advice: Never Move to Minnesota…
The all-you-can-eat Sizzler is that way??
5 Star Platinum Pick
Rice -6.5 vs. Kansas: Coach Front-Butt has been chirping on radio shows all summer about the Jaybirds’ marked off-season improvements and the significant advances in gastric bypass surgery techniques. Normally, he likes his rice shit-friend and slathered with gizzards, but I have a feeling he won’t like the helping the Owls will dish out to him in the Houston wastelands on Saturday. Afterwards, in a gluttonous rampage, he consumes the corpse of Ken Caminiti (What? Too Soon?). Give a Hoot! Read a Book!
5 Star Picks
Texas -2.5 vs. Ole Piss: “Here I sit, buns a flexin’, giving birth to another Texan”. Ah – the days of bathroom graffiti and cheap laughs. Even though Mack is a dirt-neck from Tennessee, he epitomizes what it means to be a Texas Turd. This is a classic sucker bet line for the uninformed legions of water heads, and I’ll call for a double digit Whorn win over the Buck Tooth led Black Bears.
Ohio +8 vs. Marshall: Another week, another DUI-scarred coach still trying to whip his drinkin’ problem. Frank “Steke Stife” Solich might be a vicious drunk, but the inebriated, stoned-out Ohio fan base is too bombed out to notice or care. In any case, look for the BobCocks’ stout ground game to propel them to an easy cover in Sloan Peterson Stadium.
4 Star Picks
Texas A&M +8 vs. Alabama: Johnny Manzeer might be a sniveling, bratty redneck with a horrific pock-marked face scarred by endless sessions of meth and Molly, but the boy sure can run! And that’s really all that matters in the semi-pro SEC. Look for this snotty cocksucker and the Collies to possibly pull off the SU win in front of 90K Davidian-esque aTm fans/cult members. Just please refrain from bon-fires afterwards…
N. Texas +3 vs. Ball State: In his 3rd year, Dan “Don’t Call Me Cousin Eddie” McCarney finally has his system in place in this dreadful Dallas suburb/garbage dump. And there is no way he lets the Fighting Testicles come into Denton and keep their perfect season alive. I see the Mean Joe’s putting this away early and Coach McCarney treating the team to a celebratory all you can eat Tuna Helper buffet….
3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)
W. Kentucky -9.5 @ S. Alabama: The Bobby Petrino drunken road orgy heads down to L.A. this weekend to take out their frustration and blow their loads on Joey Jones and the hapless Jag-offs. Warning for the ‘Topper faithful who make the trek down from Hillbilly Country: if you think the air in Bowling Green is bad, try being in Mobile at night with a head full of rotten cocaine and Wild Turkey, while sitting through a shit game in front of 8,000 fans in Ladd Stadium ….
Oregon St +3 @ Utah: Urban legend has it that Bear Bryant was the person to coin the term Milquetoast to describe Mike Riley during his playing days at Bama. Apparently, his group of stinky Beaver teams have largely adopted this as a program motto during his underwhelming tenures. This week, though, the Beavs should have no problem making the Utes into an after-birth cocktail.
Wisconsin +5 @ Arizona St: So Wisky’s new coach is a Moral Avenger because he personally told every Utah State player he was leaving (He even cried and hugged a few!!) Whoopity-fuckin’-do! The only thing that separates him and Thugs like Kiffin and Franchione is videoconferencing capabilities. All coaches are Treacherous. Anyhaught, look for Wisky to give super seedy Todd Graham a tussle in the herpes-infested Tempe desert.
OK For Now….
BC Gonzo
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