The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 15 Plays

WEEK 15

OKLAHOMA ST +21 @ Oklahoma- For some reason, the Pokes want to call this a rivalry. But they’ve lost 83 of the 108 games and have been outscored by 1,200 points. OU calls Texas their rival, and consider the peeps in Stillwater their inbred cousins… which is oddly, pretty factual…

NORTHERN ILLINOIS -6½ vs Bowling Green- The winner of this game has their choice of bowling in either Mobile, Montgomery or Boise. So there’s a lot at stake. Imagine being able to drink underage and buy Ectasy on Dauphin Street, or darting to The Alley for a luke-warm draft while your car is repeatedly broken into. Or dealing with sub-freezing temps while watching a game on an oddly colored surface that give you seizures… MACTION!!!

TEMPLE -3 @ Tulane- I was in New Orleans most of this week, and not one time did I hear anyone mention the Green Wave. In fact, only a couple of people even knew that they have a new on campus stadium. But I was talking to afternoon drunks in seedy uptown dive bars at 3pm in the afternoon… Well, wherever they play, they’ll get smeared by the Owls. Give a Hoot, read a book!

SMU +12 @ UConn- The Mustangs have a new coach but have to finish out the season freezing their balls off in Stoors playing a team that will need a new coach eventually. You’ll be able to count the people in the stadium with a toddler’s abacus made of gum drops…

CINCINNATI -7 vs Houston- This is the Bearcats program: Play the majority of your games during the week in a larger stadium than yours but yet you can’t even think about filling it, while your sketchy coach plots his next move. Oh, and your students chant White Stripes’ songs nonstop…


Selah...

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 14 Picks

WEEK 14

FLORIDA ST -7½ vs Florida- Winner gets full length jeans and can retire their jorts, the loser retires to their trailer for some typical panhandle/middle Flor-Duh hijinx…

BYU +4 @ California- Winner can enforce their own values on the other, making for a cultural disaster

NORTH TEXAS +5 @ UTSA- Winner won’t have to play in College Station ever again, not bc of the team but bc that place is eerie and full of strange cultish people

UAB -3 @ Southern Miss- Loser has to pick up trash along I-59, full of bottles of piss, diapers & drunken uncles…

LOUISVILLE -13 vs Kentucky- Loser has to drink Tennessee whiskey for the next year…

MIDDLE TENNESSEE +4 @ UTEP- Winner can play in a bowl game in Louisiana, so maybe neither team will try hard…

VANDERBILT +17 vs Tennessee- If the Vols win, they get a bowl game, if they lose, they can watch bleached blonde jerkoffs on The Food Network

NEVADA -9 @ UNLV- The winners gets silver jock straps, losers have to play Caribbean poker in smoky casinos with red necks from Oklahoma…

Selah...

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 13 Picks

WEEK 13

SOUTH ALABAMA +25½ @ South Carolina- I was a young lad growing up in Mobile when my parents tried to get me to be an alien in the film “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, but Steven Speilberg wanted to sleep with my mom…

FRESNO ST +8 @ Nevada- The last time I was skiing we were in Tahoe, and tried to recreate “Hot Dog: The Movie” by sleeping with some ski bunny… Instead I dislocated my elbow and ended up in a hot tub with some dude named Stan…

GEORGIA STATE +40 @ Clemson- GSU wants to buy Turner Field once the Braves and their racist fans flee to the white-as-rice suburbs of Cobb County. Good luck selling $8 bags of peanuts and finding people with the proper temperament to toss people out of the Chop House…

FLORIDA ATLANTIC +7 @ Middle Tennessee- I bought a $95 tie at a boutique in Boca Raton in a jam before a big meeting. The botox-faced harlot turned her nose up in the air as if I had just farted… Well, I had…

TULANE +19 @ East Carolina- My fondest memory of the Greenville metropolis was reading the newspaper and seeing that Five Guys was just voted “Best Burger in Town”…

SOUTH FLORIDA +18½ @ Memphis- Before Gonzo & I burned down Fayetteville & Ft Smith a few weeks ago, we stopped off in Mud City to watch trashy 18yr old kids vomit on Beale Street after drinking GBH Margaritas

MARYLAND +5 @ Michigan- I’ve always liked turtles, but my psychiatrist told me that some of my biggest issues have to deal with being terrorized by Testudo at the 1977 Hall of Fame Bowl…

PENN ST -6 @ Illinois- If I see one more f-ing commercial with talking babies I’m gonna climb to the top of the tallest building with a rifle and shoot myself… So shut up Tim Brewster, you’re a shitty fucking coach for a shitty fucking school with no hope of ever being halfway decent…

CALIFORNIA + 5½ vs Stanford- The Golden Bears have lost 4 straight in The Big Game, but the big news on campus is the new soda tax that should help combat the rise in diabetes among Asian & Indian exchange students, we’ve all but given up on all the stagnant doughboy Americans… I just invested in leg amputation devices… ‘Merica!!!

OREGON ST +7 @ Washington- With the house-cleaning that the Huskies’ new coach is doing, we can only expect the same kind of blood lines to pop up down the coast in Los Angeles… Anyone who can get to a UDub game regardless of the team’s standing, I suggest you hit it, the new stadium is awe-inspiring…

UTSA +9½ @ Western Kentucky- Roadrunner coach Larry Coker invited the fathers of all his players to make the trip up to Bowling Green so they’d be able to tour the Corvette factory,  gearing them up for their midlife crisis likely to hit them in the face in about 7 years…

SOUTHERN CAL +3½ @ UCLA- National hack sports writers have little use for Cody Kessler, he plays for a boring team who has a shitty defense and he has put up consistent  numbers, good enough to get consideration for awards. But he doesn’t steal, or drive drunk, or beat up his girlfriend, so no one wants to tell us more about a good kid with good skills… 

Selah...

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 13

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Lucky Week 13 aka “Weak of Parklife”

It’s actually nice to be back in ‘Merica after spending the last 5 days in London drinking flat beer, ogling fat-bottomed girls, trying to understand the infatuation with the word lovely, and getting adopted by some local Brits to join their Tuesday Evening Trivia team on “quiz night” and subsequently getting drunkenly lectured by them on what the U.S. should do about The Ferguson Situation. I asked them to mind their Falkland Island Situation and to mind their gap, of course. In any case, we did have a cool trivia team name: “Quiz in Your Face”. Hey – that’s not my bit; it’s that patented British Wit. I can’t keep up with that stuff. But to hell with this gibberish, let’s carry on with this week’s shitty slate of games.  

 

   College football is a dog-eat-dog world...

5 Star Platinum Pick

 

Tennessee -3.5 vs. Mizzou: Being a UT fan is like anal sex in the Volunteer State. Chances are if you were forced to succumb to it as a kid, you’ll hate it as an adult. At least they’ll get to witness a bowl for the first time since Barrack wasn’t gray-haired after whipping the Drunken Pinkels.     

5 Star Picks

Penn St -6.5 @ Illinois: I understand the Nittany Lions will be staying at the Hyatt Place – a brand spanking new hotel in Champaign, where the “turn down service", at least for this weekend with Penn St coaches in town, means the bell boys are not interested. The ever-sketchy James Franklin puts the final nail in Tim Beckman’s coffin in Champaign Supernova.  

UCLA -3.5 vs. USC: This week, USC announced cornerback Josh Shaw will return from suspension. I still can’t believe the media fell for his story about his jumping in a swimming pool and saving his nephew from drowning. Everyone knows that black people prefer to swim in ponds or lakes….  

4 Star Picks

La Lafayette -10 vs. Appalachian State: People have always wondered about my infatuation with the Rajun Cajuns. It’s kind of like the unconditional love I have for my UPS driver – he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it. And he’s always on time! Look for the Gonzo Cajuns to curb stomp the Hillbillies.                    

Mississippi -3.5 @ Arkansas: I don’t buy into any of the rumors of the buck-toothed Hugh Freeze (aka, the Human Rake) being a candidate for the Flore-duh job, as he’s too much of a Southern-twanged, Bible-thumping rube for the transplant Yankee fan base. On the other hand, he is accustomed to a fan base full of band wagon jumpers and unbearable pricks. Black Bears win by double digits.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Northwestern +1 @ Purdue: I had to spend 3 days of Community Service last month in Evanston due to an… "unfortunate incident" I had there 2 years ago. I did walk the campus though, and I’m not saying there are a lot of Asian students there, but when I inquired about a Dog Wok service, they referred me to the local Hibachi joint….

Notre Dame -3 vs. Louisville: I often wonder what it’s like being a giraffe with strep throat. Then it becomes clear when I picture what it must be like to be an Irish fan the past few weeks. At least the student-murdering Brian Kelly gets the Irish Virgins back on track this week.

OK For Now,
BC Gonzo

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 12

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 12 aka “Weak of The Dirty White Boy”

 

    Will the Bulldogs get tripped up in Brian Dennehy Stadium?

 

5 Star Platinum Pick

 

Ohio St -13 @ Minnesota: Urban Crier and Jerry Kill have a simmering hate-on for each other, stemming from a few years ago when, after Kill had yet another in-game epileptic seizure, Urban told him he was selfish and the only person possibly more self-destructive was an epileptic leper. I don’t see Kill and the Gophers “shaking” off last week’s hangover, and I look for the Buckeye passing game to give them “fits”.  

5 Star Picks

Georgia -2.5 vs. Awbern: I’m not sure what will be ugliest site in Athens this Saturday: all the trash left on campus by classy Dawg fans, Gus Malzone’s sweater vest, Uga IX’s Varsity chili dog-induced diarrhea, or Mark Richt’s desperate attempt to save his butt-cut. What I am sure of, though, is that Karma is back and will be kicking the Gus Bus in the nuts for the rest of the year.             

Florida $tate -2.5 @ Miami: Among the shocking allegations that were secretly released in NCAA documents last week: some Hurricane players allegedly received the benefit of getting to leave Miami forever; and all deals had to take place under the table, as most players from “The U” don’t understand how tables work. In any case, Jameis and Gang get a nice break from Rape Country and level the Canes in N. Havana.  

4 Star Picks

Miss. State +10 @ Bama: After spending most of the season on the road, Bama fans are ecstatic to be back in friendly confines of the dank bowels of Brian-Dennehy. They’ll get more than they bargained for on Saturday though, as Clown Coach Dan Mullens has apparently loaned his over-sized Clown Shoes to Bert Bielema this year. Dak and Dan keep it Klose in Kiffin’s Krimson Korner.                   

La Monroe +7 vs. La Lafayette: It was announced this week that the First Family of White Trash in Amerika - yes, Louisiana’s own Duck Dynasty Klan - announced they are planning a musical in Las Vegas next year. I’d rather watch this horrific battle of hyphenated Pelican State schools followed by endless reruns of “Homeboys in Outer Space” episodes Clockwork Orange-style than to witness that abortion. ULM plays a close one against Gonzo’s Cajuns.        

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

LSWho??? +1 @ Arkansas: After losing 17 straight SEC games, the pleasantly plump people of Arkansas haven’t been this embarrassed since state treasure Johnny Cash allowed Everlast to remake “Folsom Prison Blues” in true Jump Around fashion. Their misery continues this week with another home loss to the Tigers. Glen Campbell must be forgetting to roll over in his grave… 

Iowa -3.5 @ Illinois: So which school do you hate more? Iowa, who gave the world Ashton Kutcher and Tom Arnold. Or Illinois, who presented the world with Jack Welch and Hugh Hefner? Exactly! Those lousy bastard Illini…. Hawkeyes roll in Champagne Supernova…. 

OK For Now,
BC Gonzo

The Atlanta Fixer's Week of The Dozen Plays

WEEK OF THE DOZEN

SUTHERN CALLEFORNEEIA -14 vs Calleforneeia- In true Ahnold speak, we have an additional 12 syllables added to this pillow fight. And like Ahnold, the Coliseum is old, smelly, and in need of lots of cosmetic repairs…

SOUTHERN PISS +8½ @ Texas San Antonio- It’s scary to think that none of the players in this game were even born back when they filmed Cloak & Dagger in & around the Riverwalk… Little Elliot must be rolling over in his grave…

BOYSSAY ST -14 vs San Diego St- Okay, we get it, the blue turf was cute and semi-interesting when you first came to the adults’ table. I’m tired of hearing about all the goddamn birds whop die thinking it’s a lake… Blah blah blah…

FLOR-DUH ST -2 @ Miami of Flor-duh- There are a million other things I would rather do than root for either team, and come to think of it, I’d rather watch the Paint Drying Channel than see one second of this game. F$U has shown their colors…

 ALL-Barn +2½ @ Jaw-Juh- I remember back to the days when both of these college towns were full of cool people, musicians & free love. Now, you’ll get arrested for public intox walking down the street(instead of drunk driving) while the campus Christ-Punchers block you from enjoying a beer in the local dive… ‘Merica!

JAW-JUH Suthurn +3 @ Navy- There’s a reason the Allman Brothers finally called it quits: Having to play Statesboro Blues 37,000 times kills your soul, and so does living in that town.

EUTAW ST -17 vs New Mexico- I think Will Ferrel’s SNL cheerleader character is now the QB of the Ags, which won’t matter since Los Lobos play defense like old people fuck…

MARYLAND +12½ vs Meechigan St- I had a crazy aunt who got confused one Xmas and sent everyone crab cakes instead of fruit cakes… You can imagine where I’m going with this… My Uncle still thinks those cherries were a little too ripe…

MIDDLE TENNESSEE -5 @ Flor-duh Internationale- My only time in Murphreesboro( I don’t even care if I misspelled it) was spent sitting in a Logan’s Roadhouse watching my ex-girlfriend wait tables and sell LSD to her teachers… Ft Lauderdale may be chilly this weekend…  

MIDDLE MEECHIGAN -15 vs Miami Oh Yeah- I’m very afraid of the ugly uniform factor in this game. I’m also afraid of seahorses, the color brown & the movie “Burlesque”…

NOTRA DOM -17 vs Northwestern- The vile Northern Indiana folk are still seething after losing the College Football Hall of Fame to Atlanta this Summer. Any place that purposely makes it hard for you to buy booze deserves that and more…

TENNESSEE -7 vs Kentucky- The Battle of the Bourbons will go to Jack Daniels & George Dickel. You can keep pouring Kentucky Gentleman & Old Crow & Early Times, hillbillies…

TEJAS ST +5 @ Lower Alabama- City & county leaders in Mobile are arguing about what to name a new bridge that they don’t have the money to pay for… Meanwhile, Dennis Franchitti returns to the state that was even too backwards for him & his weird family to breathe air in..

Selah...

The Atlanta Fixer's Week Eleven Prognostications

WEEK ELEVEN

This week I review some of the local cuisine many football phans may experience this weekend… Reminds me of the time a friend of mine claimed he was a professionally trained chef when all he did was lock himself in his room with a pound of pot and watched the Food Network for 4 straight days…

 

TEMPLE +7½ vs Memphis- Rendezvous BBQ ribs gets the nod over any of the greasy horse meat cheesesteaks from Philly. But I’ll take the Owls in the game… Give a hoot, read a book!

COLORADO +16½ @ Arizona- Sure, we’ve all had our share of Rocky Mountain Oysters, and of course there are 100 Mexican restaurants in Tucson all offering their street tacos and table-side guac. But neither compare to the classic Lambfries in Redbud…

DUKE -3½ @ Syracuse- I’m not a fan of the vinegary BBQ of North Carolina, and if you are ever in Syracuse, you MUST hit Dinosaur BBQ, it will make you forget about the awful weather & mediocre indoor football…

RICE -10 vs Texas San Antonio- While in Houston this week, I made the mistake of hitting the airport Pappadeaux’s, which led me to find out that the restroom has toilet paper as narrow as adding machine tape… As for the Riverwalk, that tourist food would make my dog sick…

GEORGIA SOUTHERN -12½ @ Texas St- This is a hard one: Do you gorge yourself at the Golden Corral in Statesboro, or do you grab a Chihuahua chalupa at Herbert’s Taco Hut in San Marcos???

GEORGIA TECH -3½ @ North Carolina St- Atlanta has everything, the tofu at the Sunflower Café makes you forget there’s no meat in it… And when I frequent Raleigh, The Point on Glenwood Ave has cold beer and very few Duke douchebag lawyers…

AIR FORCE -6 @ Nevada Las Vegas- I usually load up on 99 cent hot dogs while in Vegas, skipping the salmonella traps of casino buffets & overpriced celebrity chef haunts.

LOUISIANA TECH -3½ @ Alabama-Birmingham- I’ve actually been impressed with some of the new Birmingham restaurants, although Five Guys was just voted “Best Burger” and  Taco Bell was deemed “Best Mexican”…

Selah….

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 11

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 11 aka “Weak of the Unnatural State… Still…” 

 

    Where's your messiah now, Arkansas?

 

5 Star Platinum Pick

 

LSU +6.5 vs. Alabama: A few years back, Louisiana rapper L'il Wayne actually received a citation for failing to mow the grass in his overgrown lawn, to which he replied, “Finally! Some street cred, yo!”. Most cognitively-challenged corn dog LSWho??? phans won’t get that humor, but they’ll enjoy the win over the hated Nick $aban and stumble their way back to the swamps in a combination of bourbon and urine-soaked ecstasy.      

5 Star Picks

La Monroe +4.5 @ Appalachian State: Speaking of the Pelican State, an obscure Louisiana law makes it illegal to “run an abortion ad in the public domain”, which is punishable for up to a year in prison. So will the promoters of this game be serving time soon?? We'll see.  Nonethless , look for the Warhawks to score early and often in Hillbilly Haven.

Arkansas State -3.5 vs. S. Alabama: Ah, Arkansas: Come for the meth. Stay because you traded your car for the Meth! Residents of the Natural State have yet to recover from the swath of destruction left by the GonzoFixer caravan last month, but their beloved Red Wolves will provide  temporary relief in the form a Jaguar beat down.

4 Star Picks

Flore-duh -14 @ Vandy: Since we’re still on the subject of abortion, let’s talk Vandy football. On second thought...  I’d rather give Jocelyn Wildenstein a tongue bath.  In any case, Coach Muscato (aka, Anton Chigurh) and his pedestrian Gaytors keep rolling in the shitty Muzak City.

Ohio St +3.5 @ Michigan St: In picking this game, I wondered what school has had the sleaziest former star now serving time in a Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass penitentiary: Art Schlichter or Mark Ingram, Sr.  I’ll go with the Artful dodger, who’s been imprisoned over the years for the following heinous crimes: gambling, mopery, cocaine, forgery, ticket schemes, and molesting a dead horse.  Impressive!! Bucks win outright.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Wisconsin -17 @ Purdue: While on a radio tour in horrid Wisconsin this summer, I read a rather disturbing article in the Eau Claire Leader-Telegram about kids getting into the practice of “cupcaking” as a version of foreplay. Unfortunately, that’s the best thing I can say about that sickle-cell free state.  Badgers jump around in West Lafayette....

Georgia -10 @ Kentucky: This week in Lexington, a filly (by leading sire Tapit) set a record in North America, by getting sold for $3 million at a Keeneland auction. That’s not nearly as much as the going price these days for a Todd Gurley autographed bust of his molded penis; but HAY, those are the breaks, and the Dogs will regroup this week. Jacob Tamme must be rollin’ over in his grave…

OK For Now…
BC Gonzo

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 10

BC “Ghostly” Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 10 aka “Weak of a Rotten All Hallow’s Eve” 

In honor of the Greatest Holiday of Them All, I give you a creepy Halloween version of the weekly picks – featuring bits from some of my favorite Stephen King selections. Ok, you rotten bastards - enjoy this week’s winners, which include homer-sexual rapists, double murderers, ghastly exotic birthday cakes, and incestuous fellatio.  

 

   The ground is indeed sour in Philly 

5 Star Platinum Pick

Southern Cal -9 @ Washington State: In The Green Mile, a sadistic psychopath gets away with a double-homicide and flaunts it in front of everyone. That eerily describes Southern Cal’s most famous, Heisman winner. Fortunately this week, they don’t need heroics from the Juice to pummel Mike Leach’s Krimson Klad Kougs.

5 Star Picks
Texas Tech +5.5 vs. Tejas: In Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, Andy Dufresne was butt-raped unmercifully by the “sisters”. Last week, it was it Koach Kliff Kingsbury getting corn-holded by 8-mile Patterson and the Horned Frogs. This week, however, the ram-rodded Red Raiders are a bit more submissive and keep it close against the Whorns.   

Oregon -8 vs. Stanford: In Mr. Mercedes, Brady Hartsfield, a deranged serial killer, routinely gets sloppy blow jobs from his alcoholic mother. In front of a rowdy Gonzo-Autzen Stadium, look for David Shaw’s Cardinal to down faster than Brady’s mom after a bottle of Vodka and 4 Vicodin…..

4 Star Picks

E Carolina -7.5 @ Temple: In Pet Sematary, Victor Pascow warns Louis that “the ground is sour” and to “not go beyond, no matter how much you feel you need to”. I’m pretty sure he was talking about Philly. But then, does anyone routinely feel the need to go that hell hole?  Ruffin and the Pirates run it up in the City of Brotherly Man-Love.

N Carolina +15.5 @ Miami: In Misery, Annie Wilkes performs a Thumbectomy on Paul Sheldon to punish him for bitching about a missing letter on his typewriter and later places his decayed digit on his birthday cake. I’d frankly rather have that procedure done on me at an Arizona VA Center than to have to sit through this abortion. The UNC Butt Holes keep it close in North Havana.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Oregon State -4 vs. Cal: In The Shining, Jack Torrance informs Lloyd that he is “the best goddamned bartender this side of Portland, Maine. Hell – Portland, Oregon for that matter!” The Beavers aren’t even the best goddamned team this side of Corvallis, Oregon for that matter, but they’ll heap up points-a-plenty against the Treacherous Liberals from Berkley. 

Nevada -3 vs. San Diego State: In Under the Dome, the Meth Heads and a slimy mayor rule a doomed town with an iron fist. You think the King of Horror perhaps got his idea after visiting Reno? I’ll call for the Pack to win in a rout. Dan McGwire must be rollin’ over in his grave.

OK For Now...
BC Gonzo

The Week Ten Atlanta Fixer Picks

WEEK TEN

Once again, I've scoured local, news to bring you happenings amongst the big college football games being played...

 

AIR FORCE -3½ @ Army- Apparently the only other thing that the flyboys are better at than football is rape…

OREGON ST -3 vs California- 2 years ago a fire alarm & sprinklers went off in the Bear’s locker room in Corvallis…

TEXAS ST -7½ @ New Mexico St- Apparently, students on campus in Las Cruces don’t like slowing down or even stopping at those big red octagonal signs, so the police want to double fines…

UNLV E  vs New Mexico- Lots happening in Vegas this week, they want a NHL or NBA team, illegal gambling is a hit, and some gutterball grocery chain is folding up shop…

TULSA +24 @ Memphis- So a garbage man was killed when he drove his truck thru a railroad crossing…

IOWA -4 vs Northwestern- Some elderly in Iowa City have been complaining about the influx of hipsters as well as a surplus of razors and deodorant…

HOUSTON -9 @ South Florida- 4 downtown restaurants were closed this week bc of a roach infestation.

EAST CAROLINA -7 @ Temple- A woman says her breasts were burned by hot coals as people danced around a stripper pole at a Philly hookah lounge. Lawsuit on the way…

OREGON -7 vs Stanford- Frat boyz in Eugene are under fire bc a recent report states that 75% of all sexual assaults on campus occur in their houses… Just think what it would be like if they let girls inside…

ARKANSAS ST -14½ @ Idaho-  Among the “20 Things To Do in Moscow” includes staying at the Best Western Plus…

LA TECH -6½ vs Western Kentucky- It’s Homecoming in Ruston, so expect a big crowd at Yoga Fest across town…

NEBRASKA -23½ vs Purdue- Lincoln families are refusing vaccinations, and coincidentally the first case of Whooping Cough has been reported there in 30+ years…

COLORADO ST -7 @ San Jose St- A rowdy crowd of revelers threw bottles and ripped street signs from the ground after police broke up a house party Saturday night, so we know they weren’t high…

OKLAHOMA ST +14½ @ Kansas St- Harry’s Restaurant in Manhattan was named one of the city’s best, with reviews calling it “consistent” and “a great place for food”…

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK NINE Picks

WEEK 9

I’m gonna get philosophical about the games this week…

The only Favorite is

OREGON -17 @ California- “Thomas Pynchon looks exactly like Thomas Pynchon should look. He’s tall, he wears lumberjack shirts and blue jeans. He has Albert Einstein white hair and Bugs Bunny front teeth...” -Salman Rushdie

 All the Dogs:

MARYLAND +11 @ Wisconsin- “It was irritating to have one's physical shortcomings pointed out quite so plainly twice in one evening, once by a beautiful girl and once by a dying badger.” -Tom Holt

BYU +7 @ Boise St- “Lincolnshire is the Idaho of England. You were either going to drive a tractor for the rest of your life or head for the city to work in a factory...”- Bernie Taupin

NORTH CAROLINA +7 @ Virginia- “On the last morning of Virginia's bloodiest year since the Civil War, I built a fire and sat facing a window of darkness where at sunrise I knew I would find the sea...”-Patricia Cornwell

VANDERBILT +21 @ Mizzou- “I’ll be cold in my grave before I recognize the state of Mizzourah…”- Grandpa Abraham Simpson

EASTERN MICHIGAN +20 vs Northern Illinois- “In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semi-human… The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog…”- Edward Hoagland

OHIO U +10½ @ Western Michigan- “I had a bet with Gordon Kane of Western Michigan University that the Higgs particle wouldn't be found...”- Stephen Hawking

OREGON ST +13½ @ Stanford- “We have all, at one time or another, been performers,& many of us still are - politicians, playboys, cardinals and kings...”- Laurence Olivier

PENN ST +14 vs Ohio St- “Paul Newman's an old friend of ours out of Ohio. He used to sit around our house. He is the only man I've ever known to drink a case of beer all by himself. That's talent in a way...”- Lew Wasserman

UCONN +28  East Carolina- “Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone...”- Karl Pilkington

FLORIDA ATLANTIC +28 @ Marshall- “You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition's given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Agent Starling? And that accent you've tried so desperately to shed: pure West Virginia. What is your father, dear? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? You know how quickly the boys found you... all those tedious sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars... while you could only dream of getting out... getting anywhere... getting all the way to the FBI…”- Hannibal Lecter

SOUTH CAROLINA +17½ @ Auburn- “Life is short, so don’t waste any of it carrying around a load of bitterness. It only sours your life, and the world won’t pay any attention anyway.”- Pat Dye

 

Selah...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 8 Plays

 

 

WEEK EIGHT

FRESNO ST +17 @ Boise St- The players of the San Fernando Valley will be more than impressed with the number of Taco Bells in the metro Boise area. And they’ll actually have water to drink too!

BOWLING GREEN -2 vs Western Michigan- There’s no chance that the Broncos will have the opportunity to trash their locker room in Ohio this week. And why would the idiots in Moscow, Idaho keep a microwave in the visitor’s space? Popcorn? Hot Pockets? Geno’s Pizza Rolls?

NORTHERN ILLINOIS -11½ vs Miami, Oh- The quality of football being played by the Redskins rivals watching old people fucking. So you can go watch a Nicholas Cage movie or this drivel…

MIDDLE TENNESSEE +1 vs UAB?- These pretzels are making me thirsty… John has a brown mustache. The chair is against the wall. Louisiana is the Pelican State…

OKLAHOMA ST +9 @ TCU- Those poor horny toads, they just couldn’t keep it together… Like a guy on a first date who leaves his wallet at home and gets his buddy to bring it to him only to have his buddy bang his date then get her pregnant then they fight in the locker room and then make up… Totally Awesome!

UTAH ST +5½ @ Colorado St- I know a guy in Ft Collins who grows marijuana for the state and he has never heard of football nor has he ever seen an episode of Seinfeld. He wears cargo pants and keeps parakeets in the pockets when he walks 3 miles to get a mocha frappachino latte at the pretentious coffee shop…

NORTHWESTERN +6½ vs Nebraska- What day is it? Isn’t it that time of the year when the Cornphuckers seem to blow a sure win and their ruddy fanbase signs a petition to ask Obama to stop sending all their corn to the Coca Cola Company???

ARMY -3½ @ Kent St- The Dark Knights are apparently wearing some recycled Iraq War cammo uniforms this week, I don’t think the Golden Showers would be able to see them anyways…

 

Selah...

 

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 8

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 8 aka “Weak of the Unnatural State”

Skipping a week writing for this godamn blog was just what the Good Doctor ordered, as the Gonzo Prognostication Machine got back to winning form in a huge way. Maybe I should spend more weekends on the GonzoFixer Caravan traversing through the Diamond State. My apologies for missing Week 7, but after waking up in a bathtub being drenched with buckets of ice by the Fixer and a hotel maid named Maryluz, my only memories of that godforsaken state are of endless tornado swaths, getting beaten by undocumented security guards in War Memorial Stadium, and a life-size statue of a coked-up Glen Campbell pummeling Tanya Tucker in Fort Smith. Actually, Glen would even have a better memory of last weekend than me. Southern Nights, indeed….
 

    Bee Gees are a lock – even if Andy is a pervert....

5 Star Platinum Pick

Georgia -3.5 @ Arkansas: Speaking of War Memorial Stadium, I will never forgive those Thugs that threw me on my ass outside the stadium. I’ve also never forgiven Walter Cronkite, but we’ll get into that later. As a result I put a nasty curse on the soil in Little Rock, ensuring perpetual losing for the Hogs every time they step foot inside that Clap Trap. It starts this week against the Dawgs, even without their Gurley Man, and Bert Bielema suffers through another post-game crying session.

5 Star Picks

Colorado St -5.5 vs. Utah State: In order to help tailback Dee Hart and his “problems” with Pot Parties, Nick $aban kicked him off the team and sent him to COLORADO? to help him with his spleef issues. Dee is having the last uncontrollable laugh though, as he’s plowing through MWC foes like he plows through a dime bag on a clear Fort Collins night. Good for Jim McElwain and the Rams.

Texas A&M +13.5 @ Alabama: Although this line has “sucker bet” written all over it, I’m pretty sure no odds-maker sat through 4 hours of cold rain in the Arkansas Southern Skies watching the abortionistic Bama offense. I haven’t seen a Tide offense this inept since the daze of a young comb-overed Mike DuBose bending over secretaries in T Town. What I’m trying to say is that I’d rather watch old people fuck than watch this Daniel Tosh-led west coast attack. Aggies easily cover and possibly win.     

 

4 Star Picks

Texas Tech -13 vs. Kansas: Koach Kliff Kingsbury is learning what a young Gonzo learned many years ago: looks will only take you so far. At some point, even the Rub ‘N Tug parlors turn you away…. Anyhaught, he’ll get back on the winning track this week against the reeling Jaybirds, who apparently no longer have access to their Food Truck, which they had to forfeit as part of Charlie Weis’ buyout clause.    
    
Bowling Green -2 @ W. Michigan: Barry, Andy, and the rest of the dead Bee Gees return to Kalamazoo, one of their famous venues, where - at a 1979 concert- a strung out Andy and Maurice Gibb first pioneered the FROT maneuver onstage at a sold out WMU arena. This year, the Falcons and their Socrates offense outduel the undermanned Buckin’ Broncos.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Syracuse -5 @ Wake Forest: Fun Fact - millennial chicks who graduated from Wake Forest in the past 10 years represent the highest percentage of the demographic that cuts themselves. Whoa. Ok. Hey Hey. That is to say, the Demon Deacs better pray to Satan for some offense or this game is out of hand by the 2nd quarter.    

Oklahoma St +10 @ TCU: On a clear Southern Night in Fort Smith, AR you can still follow the tornado swath where a young Bryant “Big Country” Reeves ate his way to Gans, OK and set perceptions of the Sooner State back 50 years. Mike Gundy is doing nothing to help that perception but his Pokes, even without QB M. Emmet Walsh, will keep it close in the Metroplex. Doug Gottlieb must be rollin’ over in his grave. Or stealing credit cards.          

OK For Now…
BC Gonzo

WEEK 7 Atlanta Fixer Underdog Extravaganza!!!

UNDERDOG EXTRAVAGAZA!!!

Gonzo & I are traveling through the mountains of Arkansas this week in search of microbrews, meth, some decent college football, and of course, winning picks!!! So we've crunched the numbers and are releasing this batch of Underdog Winners!!!

 

FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL +13 @ UTSA

SYRACUSE +24½ vs Florida St

NORTH CAROLINA +17 @ Notre Dame

WESTERN MICHIGAN +1 @ Ball St

SOUTH FLORIDA +15 vs East Carolina

NEW MEXICO ST +6½ @ Troy

HOUSTON +9 @ Memphis

TOLEDO +2½ @ Iowa St

ILLINOIS +24½ @ Wisconsin

PENN ST +1 @ Michigan

BOSTON COLLEGE +4 @ NC State

OLD DOMINION +3 @ UTEP

EASTERN MICHIGAN +13 vs Buffalo

INDIANA +3½ @ Iowa

FLORIDA +2 vs LSU

AIR FORCE +7 @ Utah St

TEXAS +14½ vs Oklahoma

DUKE +4 @ Georgia Tech

The WEEK 6 Atlanta Fixer Picks

WEEK 6

SOUTH CAROLINA -5 @ Kentucky- I haven’t been to Lexington since Gonzo & I had to mace our way out of a seedy tavern in 2004 after Mildkat fans freaked out about our basketball comments. And we were there in football season…

TOLEDO -5½ @ Western Michigan- I read recently that if you graduate from high school in Kalamazoo you get your college tuition paid for… If you’re an athlete, they pay for you to NOT go to WMU…

PITTSBURGH +6½ @ Virginia- And in typical ACC fashion, the team that shit the bed last week will upset a team that played out of its mind the week before… Eh, at least Pitt’s losses are out of conference…

UCLA -13 vs Utah- All the love that the Utes received after winning a game in Ann Arbor is slowly pissing away as they both find themselves mired in mediocrity… The biggest question this week: Who will be this week’s “Celebrity Token Bruin Phan”??? My money is on Chuck Woolery, if he can get out of his Klan meeting early…

SOUTHERN CAL -11 vs Arizona St- And the rest of the bandwagon LA football phans can jump on a bus(most don’t have reliable transportation) and head over to the Mausoleum and watch another Hong Kong Stomp… Great food in Chinatown along the way…

OKLAHOMA -5 @ TCU- It really gets old, the same hacks on all those mainstream sports outlets(more like outhouses), making shitty picks then not being held accountable… Go look at their records, those fools on That Four Letter Sports Network barely crack 40%... This is another game everyone’s picking(ie hoping) so they can be the one to tell you so…

SOUTH ALABAMA -3½ @ Appalachian St- The last time I was in Boone I spent a week there one night. I blame the sticky buds, the cold beer & the loose women. Or was it cold buds, sticky women & loose beer???

MARSHALL -17 @ Old Dominion- A week later and no one STILL has no f-ing clue where this school is… And the odds are strong that most mouth breathers have no idea where the Thundering Herd hail from either…

 

Push out the jive, bring in the love…

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 6

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week

Week 6 aka “Weak of Weak Sex”

So I’m back from my third city in 3 weeks doing horrific radio bits and they’re getting progressively worse. This week’s exotic locale was the filthy mean streets of D.C., where only 1 out of every 10 talk show caller wants to talk college ball. The other 9 are knuckle-dragging, shit-tard, alcoholic Redskin fans who claim they are 1/16 Comanche Indian and will therefore fight to the grave to keep their racist nickname. But that hardly matters now. This week, our winners include aroused Cocks, Metro Daze memories, and tangerine-colored pricks.  

 

    "I'm stuck in KNOXVILLE??!!"

5 Star Platinum Pick

Ball State +2.5 @ Army: Our esteemed Kilbot Factory hit a new low last week, becoming the first D1 school to lose to an Ivy League school since Skedoodles and post-partum abortions were all the rage. If Army’s football performance translates to modern-day military missions, I’ll take Ebola and the points once our troops hit Liberian soil. We’ll call for Dear Old Testicle U to get their passing game going again and pull off the win in West Point.          

5 Star Picks

South Carolina -4 @ Kentucky: Speaking of Testicles, Steve Spurrier - aka the Ole Ball Sack - is getting his fair share of a Karma Shit Sandwiches shoved down his throat this year after yipping like a poodle all summer long. But a trip to Lexington is just what Steve-O needs to get the Cocks back up. On the other hand, 2 days in Bourbon Country is the last thing his pickled liver needs. Jared Lorenzen must be rollin’ over in his grave.…  

Oklahoma -3.5 @ TCU: The only other coach that could give Spurrier a run for the title of Smarmiest Dickweed Insufferable Coach Alive is the detestable Bob Stoops (who may or may not have herpes). But he’s perfect for the dust bowl of Oklahoma – where the only way to separate the men from the boys is with a restraining order…. I say the Boomers put this out of reach by half-time at Billy Carter Stadium.

4 Star Picks

Tennessee -2.5 vs. Flore-duh: UT coach Butch Jones might embrace the fact that he’s a spitting image of Seargent Carter. I mean - he does have a haircut you can set your watch to. But the fact that he refers to Vols QB Justin Worley as “Miss Bunny” is downright creepy. This week his orange-clad misfits will continue to force Muschamp to eat shit on his Death March. Shazam!     

Ohio State -7 @ Maryland: The Tippi Turtles are having a rough go of it in their year of Big 10 (11?) (12?) pillow fights. At some point this season, Urban Meyer will once again have his annual “heart attack”/Saban PTSD/indigestion/herpes flare up, but it won’t be this game. Afterwards, Randy Edsall accuses Butch Jones of stealing his hair cut.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Cincinnati -3.5 vs. Memphis: This game would’ve been a great hoops matchup back into the Metro Conference days when a young, svelte Bob Huggins was only on his 2nd DUI conviction and Tiger coach Dana Kirk was doing lines off of Beale Street hookers’ asses. But we’ll make do with this snoozer by loading up on Tommy Tubesteak and the BearKats.

Texas A&M +2.5 @ Miss. State: This game hearkens back memories of the infamous Independence Bowl “snow” game on a cold New Year’s Eve night, when Jackie Sherrill castrated the A&M mascot to fire up the Bulldogs. Then he found out the collie was a female. What the hell did he castrate?? This year Kevin Sumlin and Reveille get sweet revenge. 

OK For Now...
BC Gonzo

The Atlanta Fixer's Week Five Prognostications

 

 

WEEK 5

MARYLAND +4½ @ Indiana- A friend of my common-law wife tried to play a prank yesterday, and after it backfired, I spent 2 hours chasing a goddamn chicken in & out of bushes in my neighbors’ yards like Rocky, then I thought the Hoosiers may be in for that kind of day against the Terps…

VANDERBILT +17 @ Kentucky- I’m sitting here writing this week’s picks looking out over a creek that is full of kids splashing and releasing some of that afterschool energy. I have the urge to yell out to all of them that this creek was recently contaminated with coal ash, sewage, gasoline & chicken shit… But HEY, the bartender just brought me a cold beer…

DUKE +7 @ Miami of Flor-duh- Duke announced this week some pretty kool renovation plans to their historic ballyard. Meanwhile, the Hurricane players’ bus #4 broke down on I-95 while making that 45 minute trek to their sterile Dan Marino Herpes-infested rustbox… I miss the Orange Bowl…

CENTRAL MICHIGAN +14½ @ Toledo- I spent part of my week in North Carolina surrounded by mustached men carrying guns and wearing their tight uniforms. And before you get any ideas, the Blue Oyster Bar is in California, and I don’t go out there until November…

CINCINNATI +15½  vs  Ohio St- I applaud any state university who plays their in-state cousins, you’d think the southern states would be more open minded about that kinda stuff… FYI: Tommy the Tubesnake is 2-0 all time vs Oscar Meyer, this will be a saugage party

SOUTHERN CAL -9 vs Oregon St- It was a good thing USC had a bye last week bc it took the team a few days to walk home from Boston after being run the fuck over… If any of you nice Beaver phans hitchhike your way down to LA, be sure to check out Baby Blues near the Santa Monica pier.

BUFFALO -5 vs Miami University- One decent aspect of all this conference swapping is that you get matchups like this… Blue blood middle Ohio trash versus upstate NY gutterballs who’s food chain starts & ends with fried fowl parts.

MIDDLE TENNESSEE +3½ @ Old Dominion- A recent poll exposed some deplorable college football hypocrisy: No one knows what town in Virginia(nor what state) the Monarchs come from. The only reason I know is bc I spent a Summer down at the docks waiting for the fleet to come in…

  

 Push out the jive, bring in the love…