The Atlanta Fixer's Week One Picks

WEEK ONE

What can I say about the new season that hasn’t already been run into the f-ing ground by every sports numb nut on Twitter and four letter sports channels??? Should I start complaining about the yet-to-begin playoff??? Should I get up on my pedestal about how college athletes should be paid??? Should I weep about a little twerp from a cow college in Texas who’s moved on to hold a clip board in the big leagues???  Nah, I ranted on in my previous post(shameful plug)… Onto the picks:

 

VANDY -10 vs Temple- I always tell people who travel to Nashvegas to stay the hell away from the tourist traps & sewers that comprise the downtown area, keep SW of I-40… Go hit up Marathon, The End  & the other watering holes of West End & midtown. Do you really need to eat at a Hard Rock Café & Joe’s Crab Shack  and pay $22 for an airbrush t-shirt of you & Kenny Chesney riding a horse into a sunset???

BOISE ST +10 vs Mississippi- I think it is terrific that all those Ole Piss football fans will FINALLY get to see the inside of the Georgia Dome!!! Let’s see how many frat boys pee their seersucker suits the moment they’re asked for money or asked if they have any extra tickets from some of Atlanta’s finest downtown street ramblers…

TEXAS NORMAL COLLEGE & TEACHER TRAINING INSTITUTE +25 @ Tejas- Keep Austin Weird!! My better half gets lost amid a sea of music, bubbles, handlebar mustaches & brisket every time we venture out to lovely Austin. Perhaps little man Strong needs to recruit more hipsters and less mouth breathers to get them going again…

FRESNO ST +22 @ Southern Cal- Would someone please find me ONE interweb writer who hasn’t tweeted or posted a blog journal talking about that thief who posed as a hero, there may be one or two decent football guys out there that didn’t think it was necessary to jump on the flavor of the week story.

WASHINGTON -16½ @ Hawaii- Not a bad way to start off your career at a school without blue turf, eh? Travel to the islands and face a team battered and beaten down from poor coaching, lack of talent & an obvious allergic reaction to Plumeria.

WEST VIRGINIA +27 vs Alabama- Here we have the Tide’s annual recruiting trip to the Peach State to pillage the best talent away from that mediocre state university. I’m finding myself getting fairly annoyed at all the overconfident Bama fans(some of whom I studied with in Ttown many moons ago) filling message boards with tripe & uttering “West Virginia(or whoever we play) Hate Week”. Back in my daze, we appreciated our return on investment & were respectful of other programs. We also had a coach nicknamed Clappy VonCombover who screwed secretaries & blamed god when we lost…

BOSTON COLLEGE -14½ @ UMass- There will be more students in the library as well as in Club Passim than journeying up to Tom Brady Jerkoff Fest Stadium this weekend. Their f-ing stadium is closer to Quahog, RI than their campus…

CLEMSON +7½ @ Jaw-Juh- I can imagine that breaking in two new QBs will make the first quarter of this game look like a bunch of donkeys trying to screw a volleyball… And I figure that will draw out all the Boooos from your typical Dawg phan: overalls, shaved head, goatee, knuckles the size of shot glasses, the look on their eyes that you have when you almost crap your pants, & a complete inability to communicate with the outside world, which for them, is being in Athens…

 

Selah…

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week1

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week

Week 1 aka “Weak of Tradition of Heritage”

Well…yes…So here I go – still scratchin’ around in the same ole hole for Year 11 of the BC Gonzo Pix of the Week.  GonzoFixer: Spanning 2 decades!  Fuck knows college football couldn’t get here fast enough, as this has been the longest, rotten off-season ever – filled with 24 hour coverage of Malaysian Ghost Planes, 89 replays per day of the goddamn Iron Bowl “kick six”, ice bucket challenge douche bags (do they actually give money??), Nazi references about our efficient Word Cup Champions, and empty-headed tributes to Robin Williams (by the way, was his zipper up or down when they found him??) Oh well, at least he hangs around in our memories….

Before we get into our Week 1 treachery, the Atlanta Fixer and I would like to thank our fine sponsors from Ah-Soul Vienna Sausages: “If you can a better mystery meat – then you should buy it!”   

I look to continue my impressive ATS streak from last year into 2014.  It’s been a shit year, as all I’ve done in 2014 is sit around the house reading pre-season rags, watching Tosh.O, and become a fucking hypochondriac.  But we’ll get into all that later.  It’s time to Get Down to Business for now. 

    Was the Tosh..er...Kiffin era the peak of the SC dynasty?

5 Star Platinum Pick

Washington -17 @ Hawaii:  New UW coach and noted Scientologist Chris  Peterson takes his wacky beliefs from the land of genetically modified potatoes to Java World to resurrect the moribund Dachshund program.  Even though he’ll be without his inexperienced, starting QB for this game, the Dawgs will have no problem routing the Flamin’ Rainbows and Norm Chow, who is still looking to become the first Asian-American coach to win more than 3 games in 1 year and successfully navigate the freeway using turn signals. Hey – it’s not a stereotype if it’s true 100% of the time!             

5 Star Picks

Northwestern -11 vs. Cal:  Ah, Teamsters – so lazy and surly… That’s what Pat Fitzgerald could have faced this year had he not strong-armed his team into a “no” vote for unionization. But what a better place for shiftless labor corruption than shit-hole Chicago Land.  Meanwhile, in Hippie Land, Sonny “Bull” Dykes' high-flying offense never took off last year and his defense was well… very liberal.  Look for the Mildkats to come out firing and the Golden Bear defense to go down faster than George Takei at the Dragon Con Festival.

Boston College -17 @ UMass: The “Battle for New England” takes place in the generic suburban erector set known as Gillette Stadium.  By the way, is there a more awful, vile fan base than people  in New England?  And racist.  I will punch the next person that utters “Boston Strong”.  They are just the fucking worst, but fortunately they don’t give 2 shits about college ball.  Anyhaught, the 12,000 fans that go will witness the Minutemen get trashed in only a few minutes.  Afterwards, the crowd flocks to their pubs where they implore some bartender named Steaky to play Everlast non-stop while they watch the Sox and Yankees play for the 94^th time this season.

4 Star Picks

Fresno +21.5 @ Southern Cal: Ah, USC – what a sleazy decade we’ve had fun with, beginning with shit-bag Pete Carroll slithering his way out after being outed for buying half the coast line for his mercenaries to the stand-up hour of Lane Kiffin and his zany jersey-switching, ball-deflating antics.  So what will the Steve Sarkisian regime bring us? Probably a redux of the Ted Tollner reign of mediocrity if I had to wager…  Look for the Sark era to begin with a limp-dick effort against the always tough Grape Chuggers from Fresno. 

W. Kentucky +7.5 vs. Bowling Green: This “Battle of the Bowling Greens” features Bowling Green traveling to, um, Bowling Green.. for an away game?? Wait, I’m confused now. Do you think the residents in these horrible states ever talk shit over who has the biggest Bowling Green? What is a Bowling Green anyway? Why does it hurt when I pee? Why doesn’t either school have green in their colors? Or even a bowling team? So many questions…  Anyhow! Look for the Toppers to prevail in Gonzo’ Friday Night Upset Special. 

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

NC State -20.5 vs. Ga Southern: Pack coach Dave Derpiful really shit the bed in Year 1 but looks to rebound this year after multiple, off-season counseling sessions from hoops coach Mark “Bubbles” Gottfried. At least that’s what I assume they were doing.. And not chasing skirts all over campus.  Beginning with this game, it’ll be a rough transition year for the Eagles who will now no longer run the chop-block, ACL tear-inducing, antique option offense  Paul Johnson must be rollin’ over in his grave… . 

Purdue -10 vs. W. Michigan: Despite how the official Purdue athletics site defines a “Boilermaker”, there’s mounting evidence the original definition is: “a sexual position in which two men sit on each other’s face and proceed to crap”. If you doubt me, I refer you to ubrbandictionary.com. If it’s on there – it’s got to be true!  Regardless of the origin, I’m really glad I changed my mind about joining that lousy International Brotherhood of Boilermakers…. Where was I?  Oh yeah – Purdue trashes the Broncos at Ross-Ade. 

Ok For Now…..

BC Gonzo

The Atlanta Fixer's 2014 CFB Preview

 

It’s been a LONG Summer… In fact, some mouth breathers out there have yet to let go of the 2013 season and move on to enjoying their summer. Why not fly a kite, read a book, meet a girl… or a guy… And along with the advantages of having our world headquarters located down here in the Dirty South, we must endure a year-round obsession that a lot of the local yokels have for one single piece of the sports’ world… Tune into a local sports channel in March and you’ll hear “College Football countdown: 153 days until we kickoff the season”… Forget baseball, forget the Olympics, forget your mother’s birthday, and forget anything else more meaningful except for a sport. It’s harder to forget about it here especially bc you go to the grocery store or a movie and the vast majority of people round these here parts buy clothing that MUST have their football allegiance displayed all over it.

 So what have we learned since we last left you in January???

-Anyone using the term “Power 5” needs to go back to journalism school or picking up garbage or whatever the fuck they did before thinking they had any ability to intelligently discuss college football. Backwards hat guy at Buffalo Wing Wingz wearing a RGIII jersey swilling Blue Moon & ranting about why he hates schools like La Monroe & Eastern Michigan because they’re “holding back the big boys in the Power 5”, needs to have that orange slice replaced with a buttplug just pulled from the ass of the Wednesday afternoon featured dancer at the Play Late Club on Cheshire Bridge Road…

-Most schools will sell out their traditions, players, and souls to the gear manufacturers who have a team of meth heads designing jerseys, hats, socks, jockstraps, helmet decals, everything. 10yrs from now, the AD at Western Kentucky will look back at their chrome helmets he approved and spit at himself in the mirror. Was it worth the embarrassment and MONEY to get a few players who were too stupid to get into Louisville or Marshall??? Do all those bible-thumping whitebreds in Waco look more “gangster” & “hip” wearing black jerseys and shirts when the first black STUDENTS didn’t walk on that campus until Gilligan’s Island was already in reruns???

-What about certain web sites that are so low rent that every “article” has to be a “Power Ranking” or a goddamn slide show??? “Winners & Losers Of The College Bowl Season” features outdated pics of teams who (imagine this!) WON & LOST their bowl games!!! Apparently, their mongoloid staff are too distracted by computers to understand the basic concepts of writing, even our dipshit interns are educated above a 3^rd grade level and know how to properly design a template so our site looks the slightest bit professional… Every time I email these troglodytes to ask for their definition of a “power ranking”, I get back incoherent mumblings only heard before in the production room for Party Down South…

-40yr old “men” who take off work on a day in early February, take their iPad or laptop to a bar, set up shop, drink sweet tea, and track 18yr old high school boys as they officially pledge their loyalty to a school(for now) have to be the most PATHETIC demographic in the country. Then in April, they use an open scrimmage as an excuse to pretend it’s an October gameday and set up shop in a parking lot arguing with their other douchbag buddies about who was the best recruit from the class 12yrs ago. In June, they start looking at the fresh crop of young boys in the internet, following them on the Twitter, ranting on message boards about why one kid choose another school, and judging a coach’s character bc one player on another team got in trouble with the law… And they wonder why their little bratty kids hate them and their wife is fucking his daughter’s 4^th grade teacher Miss Anderson.

-You’re gonna need A LOT of money to go enjoy a Saturday at a game… Bill Snyder was right- college football has SOLD OUT big time! 10yrs ago a single ticket in the nosebleeds at my school’s stadium was $20, now it’s $65. These soulless ticket brokers(calling them scalpers is an insult to scalpers & Washington Redskin name supporters, but I digress) snatch up all the tickets and mark them up 500%. A CHURCH that we used to all park in(up until 3yrs ago) decided that $600/year for a parking spot in their grass 6 times a year wasn’t making Jesus happy enough, so they upped the fees to $3,000. A Vienna Sausage disguised as a hotdog is being sold for $5, a bottled water is $4 and you have to buy those bc the water fountains look like they were bought at the Trainspotting garage sale…

 

I’m not all bitter, in fact, I’ve mellowed out quite a bit without having to come out of the closet… Lets all enjoy the games without having to go overboard with every meaningless side story involving crab legs & BB guns. We haven’t played a single game yet but radio blowhards with names sounding like Beirut are already throwing out Doomsday scenarios involving those poor souls picking the teams for the “playoff”, who’ll surely receive death threats and be the subject poorly written articles on four letter sport channels’ web sites… I liked the game more when it was all about the game…