The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 14 Picks

WEEK 14

FLORIDA ST -7½ vs Florida- Winner gets full length jeans and can retire their jorts, the loser retires to their trailer for some typical panhandle/middle Flor-Duh hijinx…

BYU +4 @ California- Winner can enforce their own values on the other, making for a cultural disaster

NORTH TEXAS +5 @ UTSA- Winner won’t have to play in College Station ever again, not bc of the team but bc that place is eerie and full of strange cultish people

UAB -3 @ Southern Miss- Loser has to pick up trash along I-59, full of bottles of piss, diapers & drunken uncles…

LOUISVILLE -13 vs Kentucky- Loser has to drink Tennessee whiskey for the next year…

MIDDLE TENNESSEE +4 @ UTEP- Winner can play in a bowl game in Louisiana, so maybe neither team will try hard…

VANDERBILT +17 vs Tennessee- If the Vols win, they get a bowl game, if they lose, they can watch bleached blonde jerkoffs on The Food Network

NEVADA -9 @ UNLV- The winners gets silver jock straps, losers have to play Caribbean poker in smoky casinos with red necks from Oklahoma…

Selah...

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 13 Picks

WEEK 13

SOUTH ALABAMA +25½ @ South Carolina- I was a young lad growing up in Mobile when my parents tried to get me to be an alien in the film “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, but Steven Speilberg wanted to sleep with my mom…

FRESNO ST +8 @ Nevada- The last time I was skiing we were in Tahoe, and tried to recreate “Hot Dog: The Movie” by sleeping with some ski bunny… Instead I dislocated my elbow and ended up in a hot tub with some dude named Stan…

GEORGIA STATE +40 @ Clemson- GSU wants to buy Turner Field once the Braves and their racist fans flee to the white-as-rice suburbs of Cobb County. Good luck selling $8 bags of peanuts and finding people with the proper temperament to toss people out of the Chop House…

FLORIDA ATLANTIC +7 @ Middle Tennessee- I bought a $95 tie at a boutique in Boca Raton in a jam before a big meeting. The botox-faced harlot turned her nose up in the air as if I had just farted… Well, I had…

TULANE +19 @ East Carolina- My fondest memory of the Greenville metropolis was reading the newspaper and seeing that Five Guys was just voted “Best Burger in Town”…

SOUTH FLORIDA +18½ @ Memphis- Before Gonzo & I burned down Fayetteville & Ft Smith a few weeks ago, we stopped off in Mud City to watch trashy 18yr old kids vomit on Beale Street after drinking GBH Margaritas

MARYLAND +5 @ Michigan- I’ve always liked turtles, but my psychiatrist told me that some of my biggest issues have to deal with being terrorized by Testudo at the 1977 Hall of Fame Bowl…

PENN ST -6 @ Illinois- If I see one more f-ing commercial with talking babies I’m gonna climb to the top of the tallest building with a rifle and shoot myself… So shut up Tim Brewster, you’re a shitty fucking coach for a shitty fucking school with no hope of ever being halfway decent…

CALIFORNIA + 5½ vs Stanford- The Golden Bears have lost 4 straight in The Big Game, but the big news on campus is the new soda tax that should help combat the rise in diabetes among Asian & Indian exchange students, we’ve all but given up on all the stagnant doughboy Americans… I just invested in leg amputation devices… ‘Merica!!!

OREGON ST +7 @ Washington- With the house-cleaning that the Huskies’ new coach is doing, we can only expect the same kind of blood lines to pop up down the coast in Los Angeles… Anyone who can get to a UDub game regardless of the team’s standing, I suggest you hit it, the new stadium is awe-inspiring…

UTSA +9½ @ Western Kentucky- Roadrunner coach Larry Coker invited the fathers of all his players to make the trip up to Bowling Green so they’d be able to tour the Corvette factory,  gearing them up for their midlife crisis likely to hit them in the face in about 7 years…

SOUTHERN CAL +3½ @ UCLA- National hack sports writers have little use for Cody Kessler, he plays for a boring team who has a shitty defense and he has put up consistent  numbers, good enough to get consideration for awards. But he doesn’t steal, or drive drunk, or beat up his girlfriend, so no one wants to tell us more about a good kid with good skills… 

Selah...

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 13

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Lucky Week 13 aka “Weak of Parklife”

It’s actually nice to be back in ‘Merica after spending the last 5 days in London drinking flat beer, ogling fat-bottomed girls, trying to understand the infatuation with the word lovely, and getting adopted by some local Brits to join their Tuesday Evening Trivia team on “quiz night” and subsequently getting drunkenly lectured by them on what the U.S. should do about The Ferguson Situation. I asked them to mind their Falkland Island Situation and to mind their gap, of course. In any case, we did have a cool trivia team name: “Quiz in Your Face”. Hey – that’s not my bit; it’s that patented British Wit. I can’t keep up with that stuff. But to hell with this gibberish, let’s carry on with this week’s shitty slate of games.  

 

   College football is a dog-eat-dog world...

5 Star Platinum Pick

 

Tennessee -3.5 vs. Mizzou: Being a UT fan is like anal sex in the Volunteer State. Chances are if you were forced to succumb to it as a kid, you’ll hate it as an adult. At least they’ll get to witness a bowl for the first time since Barrack wasn’t gray-haired after whipping the Drunken Pinkels.     

5 Star Picks

Penn St -6.5 @ Illinois: I understand the Nittany Lions will be staying at the Hyatt Place – a brand spanking new hotel in Champaign, where the “turn down service", at least for this weekend with Penn St coaches in town, means the bell boys are not interested. The ever-sketchy James Franklin puts the final nail in Tim Beckman’s coffin in Champaign Supernova.  

UCLA -3.5 vs. USC: This week, USC announced cornerback Josh Shaw will return from suspension. I still can’t believe the media fell for his story about his jumping in a swimming pool and saving his nephew from drowning. Everyone knows that black people prefer to swim in ponds or lakes….  

4 Star Picks

La Lafayette -10 vs. Appalachian State: People have always wondered about my infatuation with the Rajun Cajuns. It’s kind of like the unconditional love I have for my UPS driver – he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it. And he’s always on time! Look for the Gonzo Cajuns to curb stomp the Hillbillies.                    

Mississippi -3.5 @ Arkansas: I don’t buy into any of the rumors of the buck-toothed Hugh Freeze (aka, the Human Rake) being a candidate for the Flore-duh job, as he’s too much of a Southern-twanged, Bible-thumping rube for the transplant Yankee fan base. On the other hand, he is accustomed to a fan base full of band wagon jumpers and unbearable pricks. Black Bears win by double digits.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Northwestern +1 @ Purdue: I had to spend 3 days of Community Service last month in Evanston due to an… "unfortunate incident" I had there 2 years ago. I did walk the campus though, and I’m not saying there are a lot of Asian students there, but when I inquired about a Dog Wok service, they referred me to the local Hibachi joint….

Notre Dame -3 vs. Louisville: I often wonder what it’s like being a giraffe with strep throat. Then it becomes clear when I picture what it must be like to be an Irish fan the past few weeks. At least the student-murdering Brian Kelly gets the Irish Virgins back on track this week.

OK For Now,
BC Gonzo

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 12

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 12 aka “Weak of The Dirty White Boy”

 

    Will the Bulldogs get tripped up in Brian Dennehy Stadium?

 

5 Star Platinum Pick

 

Ohio St -13 @ Minnesota: Urban Crier and Jerry Kill have a simmering hate-on for each other, stemming from a few years ago when, after Kill had yet another in-game epileptic seizure, Urban told him he was selfish and the only person possibly more self-destructive was an epileptic leper. I don’t see Kill and the Gophers “shaking” off last week’s hangover, and I look for the Buckeye passing game to give them “fits”.  

5 Star Picks

Georgia -2.5 vs. Awbern: I’m not sure what will be ugliest site in Athens this Saturday: all the trash left on campus by classy Dawg fans, Gus Malzone’s sweater vest, Uga IX’s Varsity chili dog-induced diarrhea, or Mark Richt’s desperate attempt to save his butt-cut. What I am sure of, though, is that Karma is back and will be kicking the Gus Bus in the nuts for the rest of the year.             

Florida $tate -2.5 @ Miami: Among the shocking allegations that were secretly released in NCAA documents last week: some Hurricane players allegedly received the benefit of getting to leave Miami forever; and all deals had to take place under the table, as most players from “The U” don’t understand how tables work. In any case, Jameis and Gang get a nice break from Rape Country and level the Canes in N. Havana.  

4 Star Picks

Miss. State +10 @ Bama: After spending most of the season on the road, Bama fans are ecstatic to be back in friendly confines of the dank bowels of Brian-Dennehy. They’ll get more than they bargained for on Saturday though, as Clown Coach Dan Mullens has apparently loaned his over-sized Clown Shoes to Bert Bielema this year. Dak and Dan keep it Klose in Kiffin’s Krimson Korner.                   

La Monroe +7 vs. La Lafayette: It was announced this week that the First Family of White Trash in Amerika - yes, Louisiana’s own Duck Dynasty Klan - announced they are planning a musical in Las Vegas next year. I’d rather watch this horrific battle of hyphenated Pelican State schools followed by endless reruns of “Homeboys in Outer Space” episodes Clockwork Orange-style than to witness that abortion. ULM plays a close one against Gonzo’s Cajuns.        

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

LSWho??? +1 @ Arkansas: After losing 17 straight SEC games, the pleasantly plump people of Arkansas haven’t been this embarrassed since state treasure Johnny Cash allowed Everlast to remake “Folsom Prison Blues” in true Jump Around fashion. Their misery continues this week with another home loss to the Tigers. Glen Campbell must be forgetting to roll over in his grave… 

Iowa -3.5 @ Illinois: So which school do you hate more? Iowa, who gave the world Ashton Kutcher and Tom Arnold. Or Illinois, who presented the world with Jack Welch and Hugh Hefner? Exactly! Those lousy bastard Illini…. Hawkeyes roll in Champagne Supernova…. 

OK For Now,
BC Gonzo

The Atlanta Fixer's Week of The Dozen Plays

WEEK OF THE DOZEN

SUTHERN CALLEFORNEEIA -14 vs Calleforneeia- In true Ahnold speak, we have an additional 12 syllables added to this pillow fight. And like Ahnold, the Coliseum is old, smelly, and in need of lots of cosmetic repairs…

SOUTHERN PISS +8½ @ Texas San Antonio- It’s scary to think that none of the players in this game were even born back when they filmed Cloak & Dagger in & around the Riverwalk… Little Elliot must be rolling over in his grave…

BOYSSAY ST -14 vs San Diego St- Okay, we get it, the blue turf was cute and semi-interesting when you first came to the adults’ table. I’m tired of hearing about all the goddamn birds whop die thinking it’s a lake… Blah blah blah…

FLOR-DUH ST -2 @ Miami of Flor-duh- There are a million other things I would rather do than root for either team, and come to think of it, I’d rather watch the Paint Drying Channel than see one second of this game. F$U has shown their colors…

 ALL-Barn +2½ @ Jaw-Juh- I remember back to the days when both of these college towns were full of cool people, musicians & free love. Now, you’ll get arrested for public intox walking down the street(instead of drunk driving) while the campus Christ-Punchers block you from enjoying a beer in the local dive… ‘Merica!

JAW-JUH Suthurn +3 @ Navy- There’s a reason the Allman Brothers finally called it quits: Having to play Statesboro Blues 37,000 times kills your soul, and so does living in that town.

EUTAW ST -17 vs New Mexico- I think Will Ferrel’s SNL cheerleader character is now the QB of the Ags, which won’t matter since Los Lobos play defense like old people fuck…

MARYLAND +12½ vs Meechigan St- I had a crazy aunt who got confused one Xmas and sent everyone crab cakes instead of fruit cakes… You can imagine where I’m going with this… My Uncle still thinks those cherries were a little too ripe…

MIDDLE TENNESSEE -5 @ Flor-duh Internationale- My only time in Murphreesboro( I don’t even care if I misspelled it) was spent sitting in a Logan’s Roadhouse watching my ex-girlfriend wait tables and sell LSD to her teachers… Ft Lauderdale may be chilly this weekend…  

MIDDLE MEECHIGAN -15 vs Miami Oh Yeah- I’m very afraid of the ugly uniform factor in this game. I’m also afraid of seahorses, the color brown & the movie “Burlesque”…

NOTRA DOM -17 vs Northwestern- The vile Northern Indiana folk are still seething after losing the College Football Hall of Fame to Atlanta this Summer. Any place that purposely makes it hard for you to buy booze deserves that and more…

TENNESSEE -7 vs Kentucky- The Battle of the Bourbons will go to Jack Daniels & George Dickel. You can keep pouring Kentucky Gentleman & Old Crow & Early Times, hillbillies…

TEJAS ST +5 @ Lower Alabama- City & county leaders in Mobile are arguing about what to name a new bridge that they don’t have the money to pay for… Meanwhile, Dennis Franchitti returns to the state that was even too backwards for him & his weird family to breathe air in..

Selah...

The Atlanta Fixer's Week Eleven Prognostications

WEEK ELEVEN

This week I review some of the local cuisine many football phans may experience this weekend… Reminds me of the time a friend of mine claimed he was a professionally trained chef when all he did was lock himself in his room with a pound of pot and watched the Food Network for 4 straight days…

 

TEMPLE +7½ vs Memphis- Rendezvous BBQ ribs gets the nod over any of the greasy horse meat cheesesteaks from Philly. But I’ll take the Owls in the game… Give a hoot, read a book!

COLORADO +16½ @ Arizona- Sure, we’ve all had our share of Rocky Mountain Oysters, and of course there are 100 Mexican restaurants in Tucson all offering their street tacos and table-side guac. But neither compare to the classic Lambfries in Redbud…

DUKE -3½ @ Syracuse- I’m not a fan of the vinegary BBQ of North Carolina, and if you are ever in Syracuse, you MUST hit Dinosaur BBQ, it will make you forget about the awful weather & mediocre indoor football…

RICE -10 vs Texas San Antonio- While in Houston this week, I made the mistake of hitting the airport Pappadeaux’s, which led me to find out that the restroom has toilet paper as narrow as adding machine tape… As for the Riverwalk, that tourist food would make my dog sick…

GEORGIA SOUTHERN -12½ @ Texas St- This is a hard one: Do you gorge yourself at the Golden Corral in Statesboro, or do you grab a Chihuahua chalupa at Herbert’s Taco Hut in San Marcos???

GEORGIA TECH -3½ @ North Carolina St- Atlanta has everything, the tofu at the Sunflower Café makes you forget there’s no meat in it… And when I frequent Raleigh, The Point on Glenwood Ave has cold beer and very few Duke douchebag lawyers…

AIR FORCE -6 @ Nevada Las Vegas- I usually load up on 99 cent hot dogs while in Vegas, skipping the salmonella traps of casino buffets & overpriced celebrity chef haunts.

LOUISIANA TECH -3½ @ Alabama-Birmingham- I’ve actually been impressed with some of the new Birmingham restaurants, although Five Guys was just voted “Best Burger” and  Taco Bell was deemed “Best Mexican”…

Selah….

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 11

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 11 aka “Weak of the Unnatural State… Still…” 

 

    Where's your messiah now, Arkansas?

 

5 Star Platinum Pick

 

LSU +6.5 vs. Alabama: A few years back, Louisiana rapper L'il Wayne actually received a citation for failing to mow the grass in his overgrown lawn, to which he replied, “Finally! Some street cred, yo!”. Most cognitively-challenged corn dog LSWho??? phans won’t get that humor, but they’ll enjoy the win over the hated Nick $aban and stumble their way back to the swamps in a combination of bourbon and urine-soaked ecstasy.      

5 Star Picks

La Monroe +4.5 @ Appalachian State: Speaking of the Pelican State, an obscure Louisiana law makes it illegal to “run an abortion ad in the public domain”, which is punishable for up to a year in prison. So will the promoters of this game be serving time soon?? We'll see.  Nonethless , look for the Warhawks to score early and often in Hillbilly Haven.

Arkansas State -3.5 vs. S. Alabama: Ah, Arkansas: Come for the meth. Stay because you traded your car for the Meth! Residents of the Natural State have yet to recover from the swath of destruction left by the GonzoFixer caravan last month, but their beloved Red Wolves will provide  temporary relief in the form a Jaguar beat down.

4 Star Picks

Flore-duh -14 @ Vandy: Since we’re still on the subject of abortion, let’s talk Vandy football. On second thought...  I’d rather give Jocelyn Wildenstein a tongue bath.  In any case, Coach Muscato (aka, Anton Chigurh) and his pedestrian Gaytors keep rolling in the shitty Muzak City.

Ohio St +3.5 @ Michigan St: In picking this game, I wondered what school has had the sleaziest former star now serving time in a Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass penitentiary: Art Schlichter or Mark Ingram, Sr.  I’ll go with the Artful dodger, who’s been imprisoned over the years for the following heinous crimes: gambling, mopery, cocaine, forgery, ticket schemes, and molesting a dead horse.  Impressive!! Bucks win outright.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Wisconsin -17 @ Purdue: While on a radio tour in horrid Wisconsin this summer, I read a rather disturbing article in the Eau Claire Leader-Telegram about kids getting into the practice of “cupcaking” as a version of foreplay. Unfortunately, that’s the best thing I can say about that sickle-cell free state.  Badgers jump around in West Lafayette....

Georgia -10 @ Kentucky: This week in Lexington, a filly (by leading sire Tapit) set a record in North America, by getting sold for $3 million at a Keeneland auction. That’s not nearly as much as the going price these days for a Todd Gurley autographed bust of his molded penis; but HAY, those are the breaks, and the Dogs will regroup this week. Jacob Tamme must be rollin’ over in his grave…

OK For Now…
BC Gonzo