The Atlanta Fixer's Bowl Game Confidence Picks

The Fixer is currently out of the country celebrating his birthday as well as all the other holidays that come up this time of the year… We’ve received his Confidence Pool entries and posted them below… We expect an end of the year summation once he crosses back across the border in a few weeks… One note: He has always thought the corporate whore sponsors are cheapening the games, taking away their prestige. So he has either returned the bowl to its original name or come up with a new creative name for each of them…

 

35- Peach: Texas A&M over Duke

34- Sugar: Alabama over Oklahoma

33- Gotham: Notre Dame over Rutgers

32: Hall of Fame: LSU over Iowa

31- Pseudo-Rose: F$U over Auburn

30- Port City: Ball St over Arkansas St

29- Tortilla Chip: Baylor over Central Florida

28- Potato: San Diego St over Buffalo

27- All American: Vandy over Houston

26- Sun: UCLA over Virginia Tech

25- Alamo: Oregon over Texas

24- Salvador Dali: East Carolina over Ohio U

23- Rose: Stanford over Michigan St

22- Bluebonnet: Minnesota over Syracuse

21- Breaking Bad: Washington St over Colorado St

20- Citrus: South Carolina over Wisconsin

19- Liberty: Mississippi St over Rice

18- Independence: Arizona over Boston College

17- Bourbon: La-Lafayette over Tulane

16- Salad: Michigan over Kansas St

15- Aloha: Oregon St over Boise St

14- Holiday: Arizona St over Texas Tech

13- Cherry: Bowling Green over Pitt

12- Texas State Fair: UNLV over North Texas

11- Presidential Cup: Marshall over Maryland

10- Music City: Mississippi over Ga Tech

 9- Ft Worth Classic: MTSU over Navy

 8- Gator: Nebraska over Georgia

 7- Tangerine- Louisville over Miami, FL

 6- Orange: Ohio St over Clemson

 5- Queen City: North Carolina over Cincinnati

 4- Emerald: Washington over BYU

 3- Cotton: Oklahoma St over Mizzou

 2- Harbor: Northern Illinois over Utah St

 1- Las Vegas: Southern Cal over Fresno St

 

 

396 pts

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 15 Picks

 

WEEK FIFTEEN

 

I have decided to make a play on every game today, so enjoy your extra Xmas cash!!!

 

LA LAFAYETTE +3 @ South Alabama

DUKE +29 vs Florida St

RICE +6½ vs Marshall

RUTGERS -4 vs South Florida

OKLAHOMA ST -10 vs Oklahoma

UTAH ST +2½ @ Fresno St

TEXAS +16 @ Baylor

ARIZONA ST -3 vs Stanford

MISSOURI -1 vs Auburn

CENTRAL FLORIDA -11½ @ SMU

MEMPHIS -1 @ UConn

OHIO ST -5½ vs Michigan St



 

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK FOURTEEN Analysis

WEEK FOURTEEN



I encourage the ridicule of any person you know who participates in this fleecing of our sanity

Ah, the aroma of basted turkey skin & that uncertain feeling you have about what your methed-out cousin will yell from the sofa, MUST BE RIVALRY WEEK aka that time of the year that all those dumbasses you’re friends with on the Facepage post recycled stale jokes about the other school they didn’t get into either… My favorite tradition of heritage(spanning 5 years) is setting my alarm clock for 3am and heading out to the mall to yell at & throw strings of firecrackers into the tents of all the goddamn LOSERS who actually camp out in front of stores to save a little money on SHIT THEY DON’T NEED! I mean, how utterly pathetic and desperate the whores of Sprawl-Mart & Old Navy & whoever the fuck else have become to mindfuck all the mouth breathers into thinking they need to rampage into their store and gobble up junk that’s ONLY marked up 300% on this day. Some people think our country has problems with healthcare & welfare & global warning & whatever else… I say our major problem is that there are people who CAMP OUT TO SHOP! Economy Schomony!!! Plus, those same fools dole our hundreds of dollars to go to sporting events and 3 months later blame the government on being thrown out of their trailer… ‘MERICA!!!

Happy Thanksgiving Losers!!!

 

Damn, and I didn't even get to what I think about the Braves leaving the city, that's another rant for another day...

 

TOLEDO -7½ @ Akron- The Zips just awarded their rotund coach with a contract extension, mainly bc if they were to fire him, they’d have to hire a crane company and a welder to remove the fatass from his trailer ala What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. Plus, transporting his ass out of town on a flatbed would bankrupt the Akron athletic budget…

 

EAST CAROLINA +4 @ Marshall- Not much difference between Huntington & Greeneville with the exception of the coal dust clogging the lungs of the hillbillies. And I still don’t know why ECU brags about Sandra Bullock having attending a few classes there before moving to Hollywood, fucking a bunch of 50yr old producers, and becoming the worst actress of our generation…

 

HOUSTON -9½ vs Southern Meth- There was actually a time in my life when I was seriously considering attending the ‘Stangs school to continue my promising baseball career, but I was just in time for the death penalty and the fleecing of the SWC and the beginning of the tenure in the WAC, glorious daze…

 

 

BAYLOR -12 @ Tejas Christ Punchers- I guess this could be considered a rivalry, they’re both in Texas, they’re both run by religious lunatics, and they both consistently play in the worst excuses for uniforms this side of Stillwater. But I’m the asshole for pointing all that out???

 

TULANE +11 @ Shrimp Fried Rice- The 3^rd piece of my CUSA Parlay of The Year!! Feel the excitement??? If so, it’s probably just the crabs biting your nuts from sleeping in any of the disease-ridden microtels in the Houston area. On the flip side, Joe’s Crab Shack is flourishing…

 

CLEMSON +5 @ South Carolina- Boil 3 lbs of sliced squash along with a chopped onion for 20 minutes, drain and add a cup of mayo, a tablespoon of salt & pepper, and a cup and a half of sharp cheddar cheese. Mix thoroughly and dump into a casserole dish that’s been coated or sprayed with butter. Top with crushed saltines or “Ritz-like” crackers(not a sponsor) and bake for 30 minutes at 425.

 

COLORADO ST -15 vs Centrifugal Air Farce- I’m getting dizzy just thinking about this pillow fight… Did you all know that Peyton Manning bought into 15 Papa John’s franchises just weeks before Colorado legalized marijuana??? He’s either the businessman of the decade, or just happened to start banging that douche owner after a night of clubbing the gay bars of Denver…

 

MINNESOTA +15 @ Michigan St- The BIG 10+2 conference prides itself in fucking up cups of coffee on a daily basis. So it wouldn’t surprise me if the Golden Gophers pulled the outright upset win since the Spartans are solely focused on Oscar Meyer’s team for next week…

 

 I’ll show myself out…

 

 

 

  

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 14

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 14 aka “Weak of Happy Endings”

It’s that most Treacherous time of the year – where the collective Morbidly Obese American populace gouges its fucking face only to rationalize, “after I eat all this shit through Christmas, I’ll really go on that Parade Magazine fad diet in January”. I guess that’s akin to the battered wife who actually believes her Florida State alum husband will actually stop beating the shit out of her when he finally kicks that meth habit. It’s also that time of year when one has to spend an entire day with extended family members who base their entire self-esteem on the success of their favorite college team and one constantly fights the urge to kick said family member in the nuts without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself….

Anyhaught – last fucking week of the season, eh? After a 4 year hiatus, it was a fun ride giving this GonzoFixer thing a whirl again. I suppose I’ll hang it up after this though. Assuming I don’t have a terminal diagnosis, I’ll probably go back for my Ph.D. – although I have to whip this drinking problem first…..

Gonzo’s Sage Advice for Week 14: Don’t drop your watch in the toilet; otherwise, you’ll have a shitty time.      

 

   Coach Pelini shit-hammered after a win

5 Star Platinum Pick

Rutgers -3 @ UConn: Thank Christ this one-and-done BCS-eligible new conference will be put out of its miserable existence in the next few weeks. First though – there's the matter of the Scarlet Knights whipping the shit out of the Huskies at dreary Renschler Field. Afterwards, local Storrs Wise Guys set the over/under on the number of UConn “women” basketball players that have dick-holes in their underwear….

5 Star Picks

Kansas St -16.5 @ Kansas: Corpulence versus Dementia. Lard versus Senility. Something’s gotta give in this battle of the fattest versus the oldest coach in D1. Charlie Weiss’ new discipline approach apparently hasn’t panned out. That is – every time the Jaybirds turn the ball over the entire team is forced to do pushups whilst watching their head coach gorge on a jelly doughnut. Look for the Purple Kats to put up 50 plus in Lawrence.

Nebraska -2.5 vs. Iowa: This new made for TV Big 10 (11, 12?) “rivalry” has all the tradition and mystique of a Police Academy pre-quel. The winner apparently has bragging rights to…well.. corn. Anyway, Bo Pelini will manage to fend off the demons for another day and send the Hawkeyes back to…well.. lots of corn. Tim Dwight must be rollin’ over in his grave…

4 Star Picks

N. Texas -5 @ Tulsa: Apparently this week, a man was arrested at the local Tulsa Wal-Mart after being caught naked and jerking off in the ladies room. http://gawker.com/woman-publicly-shames-man-caught-masturbating-in-walmar-1472521869 The Atlanta Fixer has denied these charges and will relax at Skelley Stadium watching the Mean Green stomp the Golden Shower.

Tennessee -4 @ Kentucky: This game is now called “The Battle for the Bottom of the Barrel”. The only thing more pathetic than the pedigree of these 2 bottom-feeders is the prevalence rate of cirrhosis of the collective fans bases. However, I’ll forgive anyone with bourbon-pickled brains sitting through this goddamn mess.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Boston College -2 @ Syracuse: With Hypesman contenders falling out of the race left and right, the 4 letter network has injected the BC Gonzo’s tailback into mix. Of course he’s been shredding the same ACC defenses that infamous Jameis has. Which means absolutely nothing. Look for him to do the same to the ‘Cuse. Too bad Boeheim isn’t teaching the zone defense to the football squad.        

Georgia -3 @ Ga Tech: Extremely obese Tony Barnhart and other water heads in the Peach State refer to this game as “Clean, Old Fashioned Hate”. I’m actually OK with that. I hate both teams and their insufferable, whiny ass fan bases. Oh well, at least I won’t have Andy Murray to kick around anymore.

OK For Now…
BC Gonzo

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 13 CFP Analysis

WEEK THIRTEEN

Your Week 13 collage, enjoy...

OKKIE STATE +8½ vs Baylor- This should be a great game, except for the usual uniform abortions both schools subject us to each week. Who the fuck is designing this crap? They’ll both probably look like Robin Williams from “The Birdcage” threw up all over Patrick Swayze from “To Wong Foo…” while that portly fella from “Beetlejuice” was jacking off in the corner…

 

MISSISSIPPI ST -1½ @ Arkansas- My guess is that by the 2^nd quarter, Dave Neal & Andre Ware will have already talked about BBQ, Dak Prescott’s mother(RIP), Bobby Petrino, Brett Bulemic’s bulimic  wife, the Muzak City Bowl, and how many yards Ware threw for against the Hogs despite having never beat them…

 

MICHIGAN +6 @ Iowa- So the Hawkeyes have lost to 4 teams who have a combined 3 losses, and I’m supposed to give a shit??? Their best win is against the Gophers, so methinks they matchup poorly against the Wolverines. Another 6-6 season and a bowl game somewhere in late December where Iowa fans can go to avoid those bleak times around Xmas when they sit by the fire and remember all their relatives who died while producing high fructose corn syrup so the rest of us can be as fat as those assclowns…

 

MINNESOTA +16 ½ vs Wisconsin- And speaking of fat and assclown, oh nevermind, I won’t be as hard on these portly fans bc they play for a cool prize each year… But until WWII, they played for a “Slab of Bacon” trophy, no shit… Apparently, Wisky kept it after the ’43 game and said it mysteriously disappeared. It was found in 1994, it was found in a janitor’s closet at Camp Randall and was put into a cabinet, thank you Wikipedia…

 

DUKE -6 @ Wake Forest- Cheers to David Cutcliffe and his insane season. And just think, if the white trash impatient bitchin red necks at Ole Piss had any fuckin sense to keep him around, we wouldn’t currently be subjected to their bible-beating bucktoothed rube of a coach these daze… Praise Jeebus!!!

 

NORTH TEXAS -8 vs Texas San Antonio- When I was a kid, I used to think that if Wile E Coyote ever caught the Roadrunner, cartoons would end. So I sat on my shag carpet in the den and cheered every time an anvil crushed that devious scalawag. My favorite was Speedy Gonzalez, and when I was 5yrs old I never realized he was such a coke fiend. But because of the PC Police, we won’t ever see him & Slowpoke Rodriguez & the two crows & any other of my favorite toons again.

 

LOUISVILLE -23 vs Memphis- The Cards have been members of the Ohio Valley, the Mizzourah Valley, CUSA, the Big East and now the American blah blah blah Conference… And next up is the ACC, good for them to fool the fools… Meanwhile in Memphis, life sux…

 

TEXAS STATE +5 vs Western Kentucky- Oh the stories I could tell you about the coaches in this game. But you are more than capable of doing searches on  the Internets and reading all the jibberish that the front line water heads have spit up each time one of these dipshits gets the itchy trigger finger…

I’ll show myself out…

 

 

 

 

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 13

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Lucky Week 13 aka “Weak of Death and All Her Friends”

Well, it’s that Treacherous time of year – where the true colors of various fan bases come out in horrific displays. Here are but a few examples of these toilets of fan-dumb.

- Ohio $tate: Is there a more whining, sniveling, “victimized” fan base on the planet? These people have made me stop listening to Sirius sports radio. Talk about a fucking paranoid fan base – what with conspiracy theories of “SEC bias”, ESPN agendas, and “flawed BCS” systems. Christ. I could understand somewhat if you actually beat an SEC team every 20 years. Oh yeah – you’re coach is a slimy asshat. Crawl back to your shitty economy, ugly women, and nasty weather and just enjoy the ride, Suckeyes!

- Florida $tate: Move over Georgia, Ole Piss, and LSU fans. For I have met the rudest, trashiest, classless, inebriated fan base on the planet. F$U fans represent a toxic mix of Florida panhandle white trash, obnoxious Yankee transplants, and stereo-typical gold-chain wearing, Oakley sporting, Croc-donning Florida garbage. If you can stomach it, go to any Nole message board and witness the collective brutal bashing of the poor girl that got raped by their inexperienced quarterback. Fuck you, Tallahassee.

- Tejas: There isn’t a more arrogant, entitled, delusional group of assholes anywhere. These redneck, good ole boys actually still believe they can bring a dump truck of oil, brisket, and cash to Saban, Belicheck, Harbaugh, or the corpse of George Bush and get any of them to come coach in this anal fissure of Northern Mejico. Sorry boys – get ready for Malzahn Ball! The days of Darrel Royal and electrocuting any non-Republican are over. Get used to mediocrity and the realities of being bi-lingual. 

Gonzo’s Sage Advice for Week 13: If you ever see blood on your toilet paper, you should shit in the dark for the next 30 days and hope for the best.

    I give you: Typical Buckeyes....

5 Star Platinum Pick

Okie State +9.5 vs. Baylor: The apparent rift between 45 year old Mike Gundy and 103 year old Boone Pickens only intensified earlier this week when a still spry Pickens referred to Gundy as “wannabe grown-ass man with a blowout Guido fucking haircut”. Nonetheless, I look for the Pokes to win outright against the Branch Davidians. At least, with this OSU victory, it’ll give the Buckeye fans one less fucking thing to bitch about…

 

5 Star Picks

Wyoming -6 vs. Hawaii: The Powers That Be at Hawaii should have realized a long time ago that Norm Chow jumped the shark around 2002… And that he was dead… The Warriors travel to the highest altitude in D1 only to get their Rainbow Pride trampled in the shit-brown sands of Laramie and remain winless. Afterwards, mainland Hawaii second stringers re-enact Brokeback Mountain scenes in the decrepit Wyoming locker room.

 

Utah State –10 vs. Colorado State: Ram Coach Jim McElwain learned everything he knows from Nick Saban – including the New York Taco, Donkey Punch, AND the Angry Dolphin. Unfortunately, he’ll need more against the Ags, who are virtually unbeatable at Romney Stadium. Look for Utah (pinching my nose like Fletch) State to win by 2 TDs. By the way, Mitch Romney wouldn’t know college football from his smug ass.

 

4 Star Picks

 

Oklahoma +5 @ Kansas St: Speaking of smug assholes, Bob Stoops continues to steal money from OU, along with the rest of his underperforming, nepotistic staff. However, he’ll pull the Jedi Mind Trick on Billy Snyder, who’s so senile he still thinks the FAX machine is phone with a waffle iron attached. (I need to come up with new dementia material… Christ.)

Tennessee -2.5 vs. Vandy: Just a decade ago, the Big Orange Nation was fantasizing over the prospect of a national title, and nowadaze they are fantasizing over the prospects of a trip to Birmingham in the post-season??? Oh well, at least the fantasizing over their sisters continues unabated. Look for Butch Jones to get closer to Bombingham Bowl eligibility with a Signature Win over James Franklin, who actually harbors more rapists on his team than Jimbo Fisher.

 

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

LA Monroe +3.5 @ S. Alabama: The fact that Mardi Gras originated in the Port City is a source of pride for Mobilians. As is the unofficial city slogan: “At Least We’re Not Montgomery”. I know these things - I grew up there.  To quote Forrest Gump: "And that’s all I got to say about that”. ULM rolls in Ladd Stadium….

 

Maryland +1 vs. Boston College: The BC (Gonzo) Eagles have experienced somewhat of a resurgence under lunk head Steve Addazio. However, the lunk head-edness of Randy Watson-Edsall won’t’ prevent the talented Terps from sending BC back to Chestnut Hill with a whimper. Tim Hasselbeck must be rollin’ over in his grave…

 

OK For Now…

BC Gonzo

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 12

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 12 aka “Weak of The Dirty White Boy”

To hell with a funny opening paragraph for Week 12. This is the 8th lead I’ve written for this goddamn mess, and they are getting progressively worse…which hardly matters now, because we are down to the deadline again and it won’t be long before the Fixer starts Tweeting, the phones start ringing and those Thugs over in Birmingham will be screaming for Copy. Picks. Humor. Gibberish. Anything. The Weak 12 selections are due by noon – 4 hours from now, and the picks are ready to go except for this blank screen. The opening paragraph was supposed to have been a Definitive Profile on Jameis Winston’s Underage Sex Parties in Hueytown, AL – written by me. Looking at it fills me with guilt. This room reeks of failure once again…

 

 Breakfast of the Ole Ball Sack...

5 Star Platinum Pick

Georgia +3.5 @ Awbern: The delusional BCS dreams of Tigger fans will die in an ugly fashion in the East Alabama manure pit, as Wimbledon Champ Andy Murray and the Dogs roll AllBarn for the 3rd straight year.  Randy Campbell must be rollin' over in his grave...      

5 Star Picks

Rutgers -1 vs. Cincy: Tommy Tubesteak is simply going through the motions these daze – coaching to fund his 3 alimonies and Ibogaine addiction.  Knights nip the BearCocks in the Jersey wastelands.

Miami -3 @ Duke: They say David Cutcliffe learned everything he knows from Morbidly Obese Phil Fulmer – including the Blumpkin and Thumbs Down Reacharound. Canes wrap this puppy up by the 3rd quarter, and Dook fans can go back to worshipping their rat face hoops coach.

4 Star Picks

Flore-duh +13.5 @ S. Carolina: Will Muscato is making Gaytor fans long for the Zookster daze, while Steve Spurrier is currently enjoying his 4th breakfast Coors. Lizards keep it close in a fugly game in the depressing shit hole of Columbia.              

W. Virginia -6.5 @ Kansas: Charlie Weiss’ dingle berries weigh more than his defensive lineman, who will exploited by the Mounties. Afterward, Coach Holgerson celebrates by injected a bottle of gin directly into his stomach.    

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Okie State -3 @ Tejas: Here I sit, buns a-flexin’, giving birth to another Texan. Recite that beautiful bathroom poetry to the next arrogant Texas asshole you run across.  The reaction is priceless. 

Houston +17 @ Louisville: The Cougs will show the nation how overrated the Cards are in Papa Johnson Stadium. And if you’re ever in a Louisville massage parlor, do not ask for the Bukakke therapy.  Not that I've ever been in one off of Shelbyville Road....

OK For Now...
BC Gonzo

The Fixer's WEEK 12 Analysis



I took this pic as we maced our way out of a Lexington night club

WEEK OF THE DOZEN

 

Did we ever tell you the Lexington Story??? Gonzo & I went to the ’04 Alabama/Kentucky game, and some amazing things happened…

After an evening of sampling some of the local culture, and whiskey, we were arriving back at the cozy Super 8 Motel we secured through our internet celebrity status, when a curb jumped out in front of us, flattening both right side tires. So a tow truck arrived the next morning, and the driver was sporting overalls with no shirt underneath(or underwear we assumed) & he was paralyzed on the right side of his body, looked like a character from Walking Dead without the blood & puss but sis speak about the same. He towed us to Buffalo Bill’s Firestone station(shameless plug) and he was amazed that two people of our stature has graced his presence at such a bizarre time in the weekend. We have since been invited to his Kentucky Derby Gala and make the trek every year. So after the blowout win for the Tide, we somehow end up in one of the more “fine dining” establishments in Lexington, white tablecloths and everything… We had just dined on some shrimp cocktails and a bottle of their 2^nd cheapest champagne, living the life… The night was moving along smoothly until the topic of basketball came up. Now, these rubes up there were keen on who we were, but not so aware of our comic wit and tendency to be a bit on the sarcastic side. I said something in reference to “Just wait til we play you bastards in basketball”, as I swilled my 7^th Maker’s shot of the evening. It was like the full moon came out, they went into a frenzy the likes of which I have ever seen since. Luckily for us, we were being peppered with death threats every week, so we had resorted to carrying protection, and that weekend Gonzo was sporting some industrial grade mace. We began to make our way out of the establishment, and it was a recreation of that scene in “From Dusk Til Dawn”. I was behind Gonzo, he with the can of mace high above his head ready to spew it upon the faces of those ravenous mouth breather hicks. Gonzo let a stream of mace fly across the heads of our would-be assassins, and we darted out the front door. We lived to play another day…

 

HOUSTON +16 @ Louisville- I’m not a uniform snob, but it is getting disgusting how low some schools will go to schlep a few extra jerseys. The ‘Ville is by far not the worst, they haven’t added a completely off base color into the mix, but at some point you cross over into pissing on your tradition of heritage. UCLA< I’m looking in your general direction…

UTEP -6 vs Florida International- Isn’t it wonderful that these two schools that are 1,980 miles apart are now in the same conference!!! And how great it is that they bring such strong teams to play each week…

VANDERBILT -13 vs Kentucky- Fun fact: The only SEC school that Vandy has a winning record against is….. is…. is… Auburn… But the Mildcats are a close second…

SAN DIEGO ST -4½ @ Hawaii- El Azteca was one of my favorite “Dirty Mexican” restaurants to grab a salty margarita and a plate of tamales until I was reminded that they’ve killed more people with food poisoning than Hawaii has put in the NFL. But I give the Rainbow Warriors some love for going old school unis this week…

ARKANSAS ST -7 vs Texas St- Today’s history lesson tells you that Jonesboro, Arkansas sits in the NE corner of the state and has 70k people, and it the site of where Rooster Cogburn dies in “True Grit”. San Marcos, Tx is between Austin & San Antoni, has 50k people and was the birthplace of LBJ. We all feel smarter now…

CENTRAL MICHIGAN -2½ @ Western Michigan- Waldo Stadium in Kalamazoo seats 30k fans and will usually have about 25k when the Broncos are competing for a bid to the Motor City or Pizza Bowl #3. So how many fans will show up to see a 1-9 team play their Directional School rival, on a bleak afternoon in mid-November??? Seven…

SMU -14 vs UConn- Here’s another one! These schools are in the same conference now, and they’ll go bankrupt having to ship their volleyball & swimming teams halfway across the goddamn country bc some asshole in an office decided he wanted to fleece his own school’s fans into traveling to BFA all in the hopes of making a few extra bucks… ‘MERICA!!!

LOUSIANA LAFAYETTE -21 @ Georgia St- When they blow up the Ga Dome and screw over all the city residents into paying for Arthur Blank’s increase of revenue, not only do I hope HE is standing on the 50yd line, but also that… Oh, you thought I was going to say the Panther team would be in there too?? Shame on you, I wouldn’t wish harm on kids just trying to play some ball. But I do hope that Blank burns in hell… And fuck the Braves’ MGMT too!!!

 

I'll show myself out...

 

 

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 11

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 11 aka “Weak of Worker and Parasite”

Listed below are some actual tweets sent to me last Saturday night from followers of the low rent blog site: warblogle.com (Warblogle?? How imaginative – I have more taste in my penis) after I simply tweeted the straightforward question: “So you idiots roll metal poles now? Christ…”

- they're actually steel and cables. So no, we don't roll "metal poles". Nice try!
- ur the idiot! Did ur uncle Updyke tell u to tweet that or are u his bastard child?
- If not for your uncle Harvey, wouldn't be necessary.
- hey idiot, what college did you attend??
- Yes we do. Three bammers have been arrested trying to kill them
- Please, tell me what you idiots do. Other than cheat on your wife
- Yes we do. Not quite as much fun as the trees, but hey, beats wearing it with a box of tide!!
- They are wires, in addition to the trees, but thanks for playing

So there you go. They certainly showed me. Unbeknownst to me, I have an uncle named Harvey and I am apparently a Bama fan. There were more doozies like that but that sample gives you an idea of the average intellectual capacity of most Awbern fans – which is about the same as that of the urine monkey….

   Yes. Auburn fans roll poles these days.....

5 Star Platinum Pick

Tennessee +7.5 vs. Awbern: When I was in college, to make a little extra bread for uh…book money, I developed and sold a T-shirt that simply read: In the fall, all pricks turn Orange. It sold quite well until the campus Thought Police gave me a cease and desist. Although my memories are a bit non-existent from those daze, I’m pretty certain I was referring to the empty-headed hicks from these 2 institutions. Anyway – look for the Vols to possibly pull off the upset in Kneelin’ Stadium.  

5 Star Picks

MTSU -18 vs. FIU: My friend Meena, a proud Middle Tennessee student, tells me that the disturbing trend of butt-chugging actually started at this dirty, little commuter campus in Murfreesboro. Well.. I suppose they have that to be hang their hat on as well being the only college in Tennessee with a Bowling Industry Management and Technology major. I always tell her she should transfer. We’ll call for the Blew Raiders to win by 3 TDs against the reeling Panzers.  

L$Who??? +12.5 vs. Alabama: Little known fact about Zach Mettenberger – long before he was molesting girls at UGA, as a juvenile he was actually charged with the misdemeanor crime of Mopery – defined as "exposing one’s self to a blind person". But he’s cleaned up his act, as well as his meth acne scars, and I look for the Bengals to give Bama a hell of a tussle at Brian Dennehy Stadium.  

4 Star Picks

San Jose St -6.5 vs. San Diego St: If any of you drunken louts can manage to figure out that fancy remote control for the last game of the night, tune in for this locksy. For whatever reason, the 2 most famous athletes in SDSU history – Tony Gwynn and Marshall Faulk, are referred to in inner circles as the Ambiguously Gay Duo, but too bad they can’t suit up Saturday. I see David Fales and Co. breaking bad in the second half against the Ass-Tecs.

Notre Dame -4.5 @ Pitt: This game Pitts (Christ…) insufferable fans unjustifiably proud of their college team (“We’re proud to not recruit like Bama because we are too goddamn ELITE”) and blue-collar city (“Duh – we are fuckin’ hard workin’ folk, yitz"). Fortunately, this is the same time as Bama/LSU game, so no one will witness this abortion. Still – armPitt continues their ineptness against the Irish virgins.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Fresno -9 @ Wyoming: The Grape Chugging Bulldogs are looking to slime their way into a BCS bowl (how could one not be excited about a fucking Fresno vs. Boone Pickens State Fiesta Bowl??), and they will run up the points-a-plenty against UW. The state of Wyoming is famous for 2 things: 1. the Cowboys’ shit brown uniforms; and 2. It’s where they filmed that movie about the Homer-Sexual cowboys….

WKU -5.5 @ Army: The government might refer to them as “the Army”, but a more alarmist name might be “The Kilbot Factory”. Much like the actual U.S. Armed Forces, who have gotten whipped in the last 4 wars, their football brethren are even more clown-tastic. Petrino and Co. score early and often on the banks of the Hudson. Stanley McChrystal must be rollin’ over in his grave…

OK For Now…
BC Gonzo

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 11 Plays

WEEK ELEVEN

 

Buzzwords you’ll hear a million times til January if you haven’t heard them a million already… Heisman, playoff, BCS Buster, Gameday, Poinsettia, corn dogs, Bridgewater, physicality, Beth Mowins, Pollack has AIDS, blackout, point spread, “We Want Bama”, bloody mary, Brando, dot the I, red neck guest picker, tiebreakers, shootout(er, rivalry), Kiffin, 12^th man, RV, Big House, agent, read option, probation, ACL, MCL, student-athlete, real deal, draft stock, overrated, Harris, cupcakes, not so fast, statue, out with a knee, upset-minded, Matich, cornbread, duct tape, Free Bird, ahhhhhh…

 

Mizzou -14½ @ Kentucky- I doubt anyone in the athletic department in Columbia(Mo) is complaining about them being geographically screwed into the SEC East. They’re a 5 loss team otherwise…

Notre Dame -5 @ Pitt- That Four Letter Sports Channel has put this pillow fight on in prime time bc we don’t get enough catholic bullshit shoved up our ass by NBC, or our neighborhood priest at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle....

Texas Tech -3 vs Kansas St- Winner of this game gets to spend the daze after Xmas contracting tuberculosis in the Houston smog or getting your rental car smashed by some 124yr old retiree in Phoenix. Bowl Fever, catch it!!!

Southern Cal -16½ @ California- The boosters are really getting their money’s worth for all the renovations to Memorial Stadium, thus far each home victory has cost them $200million. At least they have a coach whose name matches up with the majority of the girls who go to school there…

Colorado +28 @ Washington- The 2^nd half of my PAC12 Parlay of the Year features the 2^nd worst team traveling up to the Emerald City to face the Don James-less Huskies.  

Fresno St -10 @ Wyoming- Methinks the pressure of the GonzoFixer Cage Match a few weeks ago got the best of Wyoming, they haven’t recovered. And according to every sports outlet, the Bulldog’s QB had some partying issues and tried to sleep with his older brother’s wife…

Syracuse +6 @ Maryland- I’ll pick the team with the least hideous attempt at fashion in College Park on this day.

Tulane +9 @ UTSA- I’m not too keen on making irrelevant statements about how both teams play in domes(fuck, I guess I just did) and my initial instinct is to take the Over in this matchup. I hope the bowl idiots don’t put the Green Wave at home in December, throw em out to Hawaii or Memphis…

Southern Piss +16 @ La Tech- I’m not calling for the Tweety Birds to end their losing streak, but they’re playing a team coached by a Holtz, so if they aren’t cheating they aren’t winning. And they aren’t cheating, yet… For the 200 fans who’ll hit Ruston, be sure to check out the Dawg House for cheap beer and loose women…

Iowa St +7½ vs TCU- Ft Worth is known for streets full of cow shit and Ames is known for people so ugly it’s Halloween 365 days a year! Put them together and you’ve got a game barely worth choking yourself to while trying to forget about walking in on your parents having sex when you were 16…

 

Selah...

 

 

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK TEN Picks

WEEK TEN

The nip is in the air, and I think you all know what that means… IT’S HUNTIN’ SEASON!!! That’s right! Time for all the numb nuts to abandon their wives & kids to sit in a cold cabin in the middle of fucking nowhere and drink homemade liquor and pretend they know how to outwit an animal… Yes, there are some genuine hunters out there; those who do it for food and for modest prize money sponsored by the local Rotary Club. But the vast majority of poser hunters out there think they are some macho badass banker fuckstick during the week, then try to carry that false sense of success out in the woods. And nothing better portrays a loser as a person & as a hunter by having to use some machine gun or automatic military rifle to kill a goddamn squirrel or Bambi or Tom the Turkey. Face it, if you can’t use a shotgun to hunt, you’re a lousy fucking hunter and thusly, a lousy human being… You can have all the NRA stickers on your truck(you live in a city and work in a skyscraper but you drive a pick'em up truck???) and even dabble in Skoal Bandits now & again, but those of us who are comfortable with ourselves and not insecure pricks, know all you former frat boys are a bunch of worms…
Learn how to fish, assholes!!!

Georgia Tech -10½  vs Pitt- The Yellow Jacket program is like that asshole from the company that your local newspaper contracts out who calls you 100 times and never leaves a message, then when your subscription actually runs out, you can’t get anyone on the goddamn phone. I guess the real question here is why I still subscribe to the newspaper. Truth is, I like doing the Sudoku… Is it worth $5/ week, you betcha!

 

UTAH St -23 vs Hawaii- It must get old fast spending hours upon hours on a plane almost every week leaving Honolulu and ending up in the bowels of Laramie, Fresno, Logan & Boise.  And on top of that, your team is horrid and undisciplined. Save some cash, forfeit the away games and just sit back and hope the other teams get distracted by  the pineapples and Jim Nabors when they arrive on the island…

 

Mizzou -11½ vs Tennessee- Can a VERY inexperienced QB win in Columbia??? Methinks this could be a long day for the dirty construction barrels disguised as UT phans.

 

San Diego St -14 vs New Mexico- I know my college football, but even I had a brain fart when it came to remembering who the hell is the head coach of Los Lobos. Some washed up douchebag who was shitcanned from Notre Dame??? Weis is fucking up in Lawrence, Super Tyrone is teaching Driver’s Ed at Rydell High, and Gerry Faust is dead, or at least his career is… And since they aren’t on probation, we know it’s not Holtz…

 

Okkie St +2 @ Tejas Tech- This is the best the Big 12-2 Conference has to offer??? They should go play this game in Tokyo like they did in 1988. Too many reasons to name as to why… They could generate a much bigger crowd, but mainly bc each school’s fans are still obsessed with the Styx album “Kilroy Was Here”… The problem’s plain to see, too much technology… Machines to save our lives, machines dehumanize…

 

Illinois Directional School #163 -24 vs umASS- Did you see the god-awful helmets the Minutemen are wearing this weekend??? Just when you think all the pseudo-patriotism bullshit couldn’t possibly get any more gawdy & meaningless, UNC, I’m speaking in your general direction, this shit happens. Maybe they should have a Hitler look-a-like contest and burn some flags while they’re at it…

 

Kentucky Directional School #216 -19 @ Georgia St- This will be the first time Bobby Petrino has been back in the Ga Dome in a few years, I hope the nice hospitable folks in & around the Dome make him feel comfortable and don’t hold any grudges. But since they’re playing Ga State, he’ll have free range since no one goes to then games and no high-respectin’ local yokel will be charging $80 to park in their yard…

 

Central Tennessee Tech -3  @ Birmingham City- There’s that scene in Swamp Thing where the guy is slowly navigating his boat through the bogs & marshlands and avoiding the stumps and the alligators slither off the banks and dive deep into the murky waters. You can hear the crickets, the loons, and the rustling of the bushes along the shoreline. You know something’s about to happen but you don’t know what or when… Then… SHIT!!! Another fucking commercial, so you change the channel to something else, then 30 minutes later, you forget you were watching Swamp Thing, so you change it back and it’s over… When the hell is that gonna come on again!!??!!

 

Selah...

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 10

BC “Ghostly” Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 10 aka “Weak of a Rotten All Hallow’s Eve”

I love this time of the year.  Halloween is the one night of the year where I can be myself and not completely creep out the neighbors. Yes – Gonzo can uninhibitedly be Gonzo, or as my neighbor Heather likes to call me “Hey! You in the Bushes…” Anyhaught – it’s also the time of year you should pay heed to the expertise of GonzoFixer and not the “unbiased” opinions from the likes of Danny Kannell, David Pollack, Brock Huard, etc. Christ!  I think to qualify as an Analyst on ESPN, you have to show proof of suffering from Shaken Baby Syndrome (or is Water Head Baby Syndrome?) as an infant. And apologies to the Re-tards out there for dumbing you down to their level...

 

   Can Muschamp pull off the upset? Methinks not...

5 Star Platinum Pick

Boise St -7 @ Colorado St: Chris Petersen is the most famous Scientologist this side of fellow weirdo cult members, Tom Cruise and John Travolta - who we implore to please come out of the closet! Ah.. Scientology: Taking the Heat Off of Mormons since 1952!  Look for the Buckin Broncos to beat the Xenu out of the Rams. L. Ron Hubbard must be rollin’ over in his grave. And by grave, I mean a billion dollar mansion purchased by duped celebrities.

5 Star Picks
 

W. Kentucky -18.5 @ Georgia St: But there’s no need for cults, religion, celibacy, or anything of a pesky ethical nature with Bobby Petrino. No – just give him a couple of busty coeds, a salt shaker half-full of rotten cocaine, and he’s a fulfilled man. He also enjoys beating the shit out of cupcakes, which he’ll do in front of 27 fans in attendance at the Dome. Perhaps greed-head Arthur Blank can tear down a few more black churches to build a miniature stadium for the Panzers. 

Ga Tech -10 vs. Pitt: Let’s stay in Atlanta and visit Historic Grant Field at decrepit Bobbie Dudd Stadium in Crime-Riddled, STD-addled midtown Atlanta. All the Tech fans I know get
downright orgasmic when the hated Dawgs lose. In fact, I think they’d rather see UGA lose than their own team win – I suppose that what qualifies you for Little Brother Status. Anyway, I see big, fat, ornery Paul Johnson and Co. running it up against armPitt. I said Johnson…

4 Star Picks

Georgia -3 vs. Flore-Duh: Speaking of Tech's inbred, dim-witted, window-licking Big Brothers (that’s what we call a segue in this business!), the Dogs will salvage this garbage fire of a season and romp UF, putting more heat on Chief Dummy Assistant, Will Muschamp. Yes - Will might look like Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men, but he coaches like Susan Anton…

Tulsa -3.5 vs. UT San Antonio: The Golden Shower also looks to turn around this travesty of a campaign at home against the Roadrunners. And they will, as this is the week the UTSA players finally realize that Larry Coker is 89 years old, senile, and dead… By the way, was there ever an episode where the Coyote actually killed the Roadrunner? Beep Beep!

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

UNC -5 @ NC State: The 103rd edition of The Skoal Bowl features bottom-feeding, toothless, scandal-ridden programs fighting for the honor of being the 6th best football team in the state behind the likes of Duke, WF, ECU, the Dale Earnhardt Jr. School of Grammar, and some hippy commune in the Appalachian Mountains. The Heels will send the Pack fans back to their Raleigh trailers, counting down the days to… ugh… the debut of Mark “Bubbles” Gottfried’s 3rd season….

San Jose St -3.5 @ UNLV: Say – are you a douchebag?? Do you love clubbing with your wrist bands and hat on backwards, sleeping with 8 guys to a room, flavored house vodka, and spray-on tans?? Do I have a the destination for you! And it’s no surprise the Runnin’ Rebs are the Douchebags of Western Football. We’ll call for a Spartan rout in Boyd Aviation Stadium.    

OK For Now…
BC Gonzo

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week : Week 9

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 9 aka "Weak of the Bends"

Editor's note: Gonzo is incapacitated in a hyperbaric chamber this week. But he was able to sign his picks through the window. Ok for now.

La Monroe -14 vs Ga State
Rice -18 vs UTEP
Okie St -13.5 @ Iowa St
Ohio -25 vs Miami
Nevada -6.5 vs Unlv
Tennessee +28 @ Bama
Texas St +2.5 vs USA

SAVE GONZO!

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK NINE Picks- Homecoming 2013

WEEK NINE

A  lot of schools have their Homecoming festivities this weekend, so I thought I’d celebrate it with everyone as I delve into the rich history of these storied institutions… This week’s picks are based purely on who would win in a Death Match between the most famous & interesting alumni of each school… So here we go…

 

OKKIE STATE -13 @ Iowa St- First up for the Pokes, we have the team of Hoyt Axton(father in Gremlins), Walter Clore(wine pioneer in Washington) & Gary Busey(wild card). They are battling the great team of Nancy Cox(virologist at the CDC), Thomas McDonald(developed the Interstate Highway System) & Russell Stover(candy king). Any team with Busey is dangerous on so many levels, mainly bc he knows a guy in Ames who makes meth…

MIDDLE FLORIDA -22 vs UCan’t- Matchup looks close at first glance, but the Knights will prevail with the CEO of that disgusting Melting Pot fondue chain Mark Johnson, the CEO of Denny’s Nelson Marchioii, and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” wife Cheryl Hines. I have a stomach ache already. For the Huskies we have Moby, Horshack from “Welcome Back Cotter(Ron Palillo) & Meg Ryan… Drunk food beats Nick At Night & washed up actresses who pretend to smoke in movies!!

OREGON ST +5 vs Stanford- Interesting scenario here: Thomas Autzen was a plywood magnate who attended OSU but made a huge donation to his rival Ducks’ stadium fund, thus it being named for him in Eugene. Along side him you have the founded of UHaul Leonard Shoen as well as the inventor of the computer mouse, Douglas Engelbart. The Trees have a LONG list of distinguished alimni, so finding 3 was quite a chore. I’m going with Ted Danson, Fred Savage & Amy Kellogg, who will be ejected from the game for targeting bc why would any sane Stanford-educated person choose to work at FOX News???

CLEMSON -13 @ Maryland- Probably the most diverse team of any school this week is Clemson. Let’s take James Dickey, the author of “Deliverance”, along with the guy who played Gunter the coffee shop guy in “Friends”, and Scott Lazar, the first person to ever free-climb Angel Falls in Venezuela. THAT’S diversity! For the Terps, we have Larry David(there’s an underlying theme here), Connie Chung, & transsexual announcer Pam Ward. I don’t see Chung’s husband Maury Povich bringing any of his guests of his show to the game, so I call for an easy Tiger win…

OREGON -22 vs UCLA-The Quack Attack will play mind games with their novels, along side Ken Kesey we have the author of “Fight Club”(yes, it was a book first) Chuck Palahniuk plus Columbia Sportswear founder Tim Boyle, who we think has a better selection of attire sans Phil Knight. And for Battle LA, let’s go with the voice of Bart Simpson Nancy Cartwright, the late great Doors ivory tickler Ray Manzarek, & Food Network melonhead Giada de Laurentis, who can’t ever seem to have a blouse that fits properly.

HOUSTON +8 vs Rutgers- The former USFL team in Houston was the Gamblers, so I choose WSOP veteran Johnny Chan to anchor this team, alongside the late great comedian/social commentator Bill Hicks, and, uh, ummmm, let’s just throw in both Quaids to boot. “Shitter’s Full!!!” For the Scarlet Knights, check this out: another chef, Mario Batali & his cruddy Crocs, plus the founder of TiVo Marty Yudkovitz, and the person pretending to be Harrison Ford’s bedsheet, Calista Flockhart. Not much of a contest especially if the light breeze takes Ally McBeal away…

PITT -6 @ Navy- I used be obsessed with gameshows, so as soon as I had a chance to put a gameshow host on a team, I jumped all over Bill Cullen(Joker’s Wild, Hot Potato). Team him with Zelda Rubenstein(the little lady in Poltergeist) and Mr Fuckin Rogers, and Pitt will be dominant, despite the fact that all three are dead… The Midshipmen counter with Ross Perot, Montell Williams and Richard Byrd, famous explorer of the Arctic region. Navy has a US president(Jimmy Carter), but he wasn’t available due to contractual obligations with HGTV.

NEBRASKA -10 @ Minnesota-On paper, this looks really tight(if its possible to distinguish that at all), talkshow host Johnny Carson is(was) a Husker supporter to the death(or his 7^th divorce), while Warren Buffet is more concerned with getting the city of Lincoln more helium to release a bunch of littering balloons. The brain of the group is former scientist Gladys Dick, who came up with a vaccine for Scarlet Fever. Over to the Golden Gophers, who sport Gomez Addams, John Astin and two musicians of varied success: Bob Dylan & Yanni. The mouth breathers of Nebraska would pummel both musicians bc they don’t “git” their music… or much else…

 

 

Selah...

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 8

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 8 aka “Weak of the Union Crack”

After stumbling around the streets of London for the past week, a drunken Gonzo will bestow to you some random Across the Pond observations whilst the rotten Boddington’s slowly seeps from his pores: 1) Brits hate baseball (aka “Rounders”) – Why the bloody hell does one club randomly run off the pitch and the other takes their place? 2) Brits loathe basketball (aka “Netball”) – It used to be played by little girls in the school yard but now it’s played by black fellows who follow that abominable Amerikan Rap Musick! 3) their favourite U.S. imports are Family Guy and Delta planes who take loud, ugly Americans back home; 4) English footballer Wayne Rooney looks ridiculous with his new hair transplant: He looks like a fucking balloon with a fucking Weetabix crushed on top; 5) Most Brits still think Oasis are the greatest band in the world; and 6) Alabama is the only college team Englishmen are even vaguely familiar with: Oh yes. Don’t they have the Croatian chap as their manager?

Anyhaught – let’s Carry On with a cup of tea and Week 8 pix...
Wayne Rooney or a healthy English Breakfast?

5 Star Platinum Pick

Texas A&M -13.5 vs. Auburn: Apparently, delusional Awbern fans are already mapping out their plans to get to the BCS title game after a decent start. To quote famous American philosopher Winston Wolfe: “Well.. let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks quite yet.” Johnny Fookin’ Football will shatter their inbred dreams and put up 40 points by halftime. Afterwards, the wired up QB snorts a few celebratory lines off the arse of their collie mascot - Reveille….  

5 Star Picks

Oklahoma -23 @ Kansas: Charlie Weiss has been trying to shed a few hundred pounds recently by going on the new Domino’s Pizza Carb Diet: cheesy pasta in a bread bowl followed by breadsticks followed by 2 extra bread large pizzas followed by cinnamon bread sticks for desert – 4 times daily. This week, however, Bob Stoops promises an inhumane beat down in 30 minutes or less, and Weiss becomes the latest coach to get shit-canned in midseason.

Oklahoma St -7 vs. TCU: Let’s stay in the twister-ravaged Dust Bowl State shall we? (And then get the hell out of this shit heap as soon as possible)  Mike Gundy continues his weekly tradition of digging up the corpse of T .Boone Pickens to give a pep talk and oil-stained $3K handshakes to fire up his Pokes. The Christ Punchers keep it close for a while but succumb to the aerial attack of the Boyz in the 2nd half.    

4 Star Picks

Wyoming -6.5 vs. Colorado St: Ah – the first Gonzo vs. Fixer death cage match in 5 years. You’d think after all the whippings I administered to him the last decade, he wouldn’t come back for more misery. Maybe it’s akin to a battered wife syndrome: No it’s really my fault that Gonzo is a vicious drunken, chemically-addled asshole. I’ll do better. I'll do better.  Anyway, look for the shit-brown pokes to roll the Rams at 5,000 feet.

Florida State -3 @ Clemson: Which inexperienced QB will prevail in Death Valley – freshman Famous Jameis “No really, my recruiting was above board and Coach Fisher is a fine Christian man” Winston or senior Tahj “thank god I switched my original commitment from that trash fire in Knoxville” Boyd. I’ll go with the former Hueytown Golden Gopher. Bobby Allison must be rollin’ over in his grave…

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Georgia -7 @ Vandy: Folks wonder why I’m picking on UGA so much this year and their excuse-spewing fan base: If only we had more time than other teams. If only we had a shorter field. If only our players didn’t get hurt. If only we could go back to the daze of Jimmy Carter and the Ass-a-holah Ayatollah. Sorry Pup fans – Herschel ain’t shitting out any clones, but Andy Murray and Co. still break through The Doors this week.

LSWho??? -9.5 @ Ole Piss: LSU and their cognitively-challenged fans will drag their beer coolers and rusty lawn chairs across state lines into the Land of Bible Thumping and will enjoy the thrashing they’ll administer to the Grand Thumper himself– Hugh Mr. Freeze. Afterward, both fan bases come together to debate who has the best tailgating experience and racist viewpoints.       

OK For Now...
BC Gonzo