2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 10

BC “Ghostly” Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 10 aka “Weak of a Rotten All Hallow’s Eve” 

In honor of the Greatest Holiday of Them All, I give you a creepy Halloween version of the weekly picks – featuring bits from some of my favorite Stephen King selections. Ok, you rotten bastards - enjoy this week’s winners, which include homer-sexual rapists, double murderers, ghastly exotic birthday cakes, and incestuous fellatio.  

 

   The ground is indeed sour in Philly 

5 Star Platinum Pick

Southern Cal -9 @ Washington State: In The Green Mile, a sadistic psychopath gets away with a double-homicide and flaunts it in front of everyone. That eerily describes Southern Cal’s most famous, Heisman winner. Fortunately this week, they don’t need heroics from the Juice to pummel Mike Leach’s Krimson Klad Kougs.

5 Star Picks
Texas Tech +5.5 vs. Tejas: In Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, Andy Dufresne was butt-raped unmercifully by the “sisters”. Last week, it was it Koach Kliff Kingsbury getting corn-holded by 8-mile Patterson and the Horned Frogs. This week, however, the ram-rodded Red Raiders are a bit more submissive and keep it close against the Whorns.   

Oregon -8 vs. Stanford: In Mr. Mercedes, Brady Hartsfield, a deranged serial killer, routinely gets sloppy blow jobs from his alcoholic mother. In front of a rowdy Gonzo-Autzen Stadium, look for David Shaw’s Cardinal to down faster than Brady’s mom after a bottle of Vodka and 4 Vicodin…..

4 Star Picks

E Carolina -7.5 @ Temple: In Pet Sematary, Victor Pascow warns Louis that “the ground is sour” and to “not go beyond, no matter how much you feel you need to”. I’m pretty sure he was talking about Philly. But then, does anyone routinely feel the need to go that hell hole?  Ruffin and the Pirates run it up in the City of Brotherly Man-Love.

N Carolina +15.5 @ Miami: In Misery, Annie Wilkes performs a Thumbectomy on Paul Sheldon to punish him for bitching about a missing letter on his typewriter and later places his decayed digit on his birthday cake. I’d frankly rather have that procedure done on me at an Arizona VA Center than to have to sit through this abortion. The UNC Butt Holes keep it close in North Havana.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Oregon State -4 vs. Cal: In The Shining, Jack Torrance informs Lloyd that he is “the best goddamned bartender this side of Portland, Maine. Hell – Portland, Oregon for that matter!” The Beavers aren’t even the best goddamned team this side of Corvallis, Oregon for that matter, but they’ll heap up points-a-plenty against the Treacherous Liberals from Berkley. 

Nevada -3 vs. San Diego State: In Under the Dome, the Meth Heads and a slimy mayor rule a doomed town with an iron fist. You think the King of Horror perhaps got his idea after visiting Reno? I’ll call for the Pack to win in a rout. Dan McGwire must be rollin’ over in his grave.

OK For Now...
BC Gonzo

The Week Ten Atlanta Fixer Picks

WEEK TEN

Once again, I've scoured local, news to bring you happenings amongst the big college football games being played...

 

AIR FORCE -3½ @ Army- Apparently the only other thing that the flyboys are better at than football is rape…

OREGON ST -3 vs California- 2 years ago a fire alarm & sprinklers went off in the Bear’s locker room in Corvallis…

TEXAS ST -7½ @ New Mexico St- Apparently, students on campus in Las Cruces don’t like slowing down or even stopping at those big red octagonal signs, so the police want to double fines…

UNLV E  vs New Mexico- Lots happening in Vegas this week, they want a NHL or NBA team, illegal gambling is a hit, and some gutterball grocery chain is folding up shop…

TULSA +24 @ Memphis- So a garbage man was killed when he drove his truck thru a railroad crossing…

IOWA -4 vs Northwestern- Some elderly in Iowa City have been complaining about the influx of hipsters as well as a surplus of razors and deodorant…

HOUSTON -9 @ South Florida- 4 downtown restaurants were closed this week bc of a roach infestation.

EAST CAROLINA -7 @ Temple- A woman says her breasts were burned by hot coals as people danced around a stripper pole at a Philly hookah lounge. Lawsuit on the way…

OREGON -7 vs Stanford- Frat boyz in Eugene are under fire bc a recent report states that 75% of all sexual assaults on campus occur in their houses… Just think what it would be like if they let girls inside…

ARKANSAS ST -14½ @ Idaho-  Among the “20 Things To Do in Moscow” includes staying at the Best Western Plus…

LA TECH -6½ vs Western Kentucky- It’s Homecoming in Ruston, so expect a big crowd at Yoga Fest across town…

NEBRASKA -23½ vs Purdue- Lincoln families are refusing vaccinations, and coincidentally the first case of Whooping Cough has been reported there in 30+ years…

COLORADO ST -7 @ San Jose St- A rowdy crowd of revelers threw bottles and ripped street signs from the ground after police broke up a house party Saturday night, so we know they weren’t high…

OKLAHOMA ST +14½ @ Kansas St- Harry’s Restaurant in Manhattan was named one of the city’s best, with reviews calling it “consistent” and “a great place for food”…

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK NINE Picks

WEEK 9

I’m gonna get philosophical about the games this week…

The only Favorite is

OREGON -17 @ California- “Thomas Pynchon looks exactly like Thomas Pynchon should look. He’s tall, he wears lumberjack shirts and blue jeans. He has Albert Einstein white hair and Bugs Bunny front teeth...” -Salman Rushdie

 All the Dogs:

MARYLAND +11 @ Wisconsin- “It was irritating to have one's physical shortcomings pointed out quite so plainly twice in one evening, once by a beautiful girl and once by a dying badger.” -Tom Holt

BYU +7 @ Boise St- “Lincolnshire is the Idaho of England. You were either going to drive a tractor for the rest of your life or head for the city to work in a factory...”- Bernie Taupin

NORTH CAROLINA +7 @ Virginia- “On the last morning of Virginia's bloodiest year since the Civil War, I built a fire and sat facing a window of darkness where at sunrise I knew I would find the sea...”-Patricia Cornwell

VANDERBILT +21 @ Mizzou- “I’ll be cold in my grave before I recognize the state of Mizzourah…”- Grandpa Abraham Simpson

EASTERN MICHIGAN +20 vs Northern Illinois- “In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semi-human… The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog…”- Edward Hoagland

OHIO U +10½ @ Western Michigan- “I had a bet with Gordon Kane of Western Michigan University that the Higgs particle wouldn't be found...”- Stephen Hawking

OREGON ST +13½ @ Stanford- “We have all, at one time or another, been performers,& many of us still are - politicians, playboys, cardinals and kings...”- Laurence Olivier

PENN ST +14 vs Ohio St- “Paul Newman's an old friend of ours out of Ohio. He used to sit around our house. He is the only man I've ever known to drink a case of beer all by himself. That's talent in a way...”- Lew Wasserman

UCONN +28  East Carolina- “Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone...”- Karl Pilkington

FLORIDA ATLANTIC +28 @ Marshall- “You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition's given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Agent Starling? And that accent you've tried so desperately to shed: pure West Virginia. What is your father, dear? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? You know how quickly the boys found you... all those tedious sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars... while you could only dream of getting out... getting anywhere... getting all the way to the FBI…”- Hannibal Lecter

SOUTH CAROLINA +17½ @ Auburn- “Life is short, so don’t waste any of it carrying around a load of bitterness. It only sours your life, and the world won’t pay any attention anyway.”- Pat Dye

 

Selah...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 8 Plays

 

 

WEEK EIGHT

FRESNO ST +17 @ Boise St- The players of the San Fernando Valley will be more than impressed with the number of Taco Bells in the metro Boise area. And they’ll actually have water to drink too!

BOWLING GREEN -2 vs Western Michigan- There’s no chance that the Broncos will have the opportunity to trash their locker room in Ohio this week. And why would the idiots in Moscow, Idaho keep a microwave in the visitor’s space? Popcorn? Hot Pockets? Geno’s Pizza Rolls?

NORTHERN ILLINOIS -11½ vs Miami, Oh- The quality of football being played by the Redskins rivals watching old people fucking. So you can go watch a Nicholas Cage movie or this drivel…

MIDDLE TENNESSEE +1 vs UAB?- These pretzels are making me thirsty… John has a brown mustache. The chair is against the wall. Louisiana is the Pelican State…

OKLAHOMA ST +9 @ TCU- Those poor horny toads, they just couldn’t keep it together… Like a guy on a first date who leaves his wallet at home and gets his buddy to bring it to him only to have his buddy bang his date then get her pregnant then they fight in the locker room and then make up… Totally Awesome!

UTAH ST +5½ @ Colorado St- I know a guy in Ft Collins who grows marijuana for the state and he has never heard of football nor has he ever seen an episode of Seinfeld. He wears cargo pants and keeps parakeets in the pockets when he walks 3 miles to get a mocha frappachino latte at the pretentious coffee shop…

NORTHWESTERN +6½ vs Nebraska- What day is it? Isn’t it that time of the year when the Cornphuckers seem to blow a sure win and their ruddy fanbase signs a petition to ask Obama to stop sending all their corn to the Coca Cola Company???

ARMY -3½ @ Kent St- The Dark Knights are apparently wearing some recycled Iraq War cammo uniforms this week, I don’t think the Golden Showers would be able to see them anyways…

 

Selah...

 

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 8

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 8 aka “Weak of the Unnatural State”

Skipping a week writing for this godamn blog was just what the Good Doctor ordered, as the Gonzo Prognostication Machine got back to winning form in a huge way. Maybe I should spend more weekends on the GonzoFixer Caravan traversing through the Diamond State. My apologies for missing Week 7, but after waking up in a bathtub being drenched with buckets of ice by the Fixer and a hotel maid named Maryluz, my only memories of that godforsaken state are of endless tornado swaths, getting beaten by undocumented security guards in War Memorial Stadium, and a life-size statue of a coked-up Glen Campbell pummeling Tanya Tucker in Fort Smith. Actually, Glen would even have a better memory of last weekend than me. Southern Nights, indeed….
 

    Bee Gees are a lock – even if Andy is a pervert....

5 Star Platinum Pick

Georgia -3.5 @ Arkansas: Speaking of War Memorial Stadium, I will never forgive those Thugs that threw me on my ass outside the stadium. I’ve also never forgiven Walter Cronkite, but we’ll get into that later. As a result I put a nasty curse on the soil in Little Rock, ensuring perpetual losing for the Hogs every time they step foot inside that Clap Trap. It starts this week against the Dawgs, even without their Gurley Man, and Bert Bielema suffers through another post-game crying session.

5 Star Picks

Colorado St -5.5 vs. Utah State: In order to help tailback Dee Hart and his “problems” with Pot Parties, Nick $aban kicked him off the team and sent him to COLORADO? to help him with his spleef issues. Dee is having the last uncontrollable laugh though, as he’s plowing through MWC foes like he plows through a dime bag on a clear Fort Collins night. Good for Jim McElwain and the Rams.

Texas A&M +13.5 @ Alabama: Although this line has “sucker bet” written all over it, I’m pretty sure no odds-maker sat through 4 hours of cold rain in the Arkansas Southern Skies watching the abortionistic Bama offense. I haven’t seen a Tide offense this inept since the daze of a young comb-overed Mike DuBose bending over secretaries in T Town. What I’m trying to say is that I’d rather watch old people fuck than watch this Daniel Tosh-led west coast attack. Aggies easily cover and possibly win.     

 

4 Star Picks

Texas Tech -13 vs. Kansas: Koach Kliff Kingsbury is learning what a young Gonzo learned many years ago: looks will only take you so far. At some point, even the Rub ‘N Tug parlors turn you away…. Anyhaught, he’ll get back on the winning track this week against the reeling Jaybirds, who apparently no longer have access to their Food Truck, which they had to forfeit as part of Charlie Weis’ buyout clause.    
    
Bowling Green -2 @ W. Michigan: Barry, Andy, and the rest of the dead Bee Gees return to Kalamazoo, one of their famous venues, where - at a 1979 concert- a strung out Andy and Maurice Gibb first pioneered the FROT maneuver onstage at a sold out WMU arena. This year, the Falcons and their Socrates offense outduel the undermanned Buckin’ Broncos.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Syracuse -5 @ Wake Forest: Fun Fact - millennial chicks who graduated from Wake Forest in the past 10 years represent the highest percentage of the demographic that cuts themselves. Whoa. Ok. Hey Hey. That is to say, the Demon Deacs better pray to Satan for some offense or this game is out of hand by the 2nd quarter.    

Oklahoma St +10 @ TCU: On a clear Southern Night in Fort Smith, AR you can still follow the tornado swath where a young Bryant “Big Country” Reeves ate his way to Gans, OK and set perceptions of the Sooner State back 50 years. Mike Gundy is doing nothing to help that perception but his Pokes, even without QB M. Emmet Walsh, will keep it close in the Metroplex. Doug Gottlieb must be rollin’ over in his grave. Or stealing credit cards.          

OK For Now…
BC Gonzo

WEEK 7 Atlanta Fixer Underdog Extravaganza!!!

UNDERDOG EXTRAVAGAZA!!!

Gonzo & I are traveling through the mountains of Arkansas this week in search of microbrews, meth, some decent college football, and of course, winning picks!!! So we've crunched the numbers and are releasing this batch of Underdog Winners!!!

 

FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL +13 @ UTSA

SYRACUSE +24½ vs Florida St

NORTH CAROLINA +17 @ Notre Dame

WESTERN MICHIGAN +1 @ Ball St

SOUTH FLORIDA +15 vs East Carolina

NEW MEXICO ST +6½ @ Troy

HOUSTON +9 @ Memphis

TOLEDO +2½ @ Iowa St

ILLINOIS +24½ @ Wisconsin

PENN ST +1 @ Michigan

BOSTON COLLEGE +4 @ NC State

OLD DOMINION +3 @ UTEP

EASTERN MICHIGAN +13 vs Buffalo

INDIANA +3½ @ Iowa

FLORIDA +2 vs LSU

AIR FORCE +7 @ Utah St

TEXAS +14½ vs Oklahoma

DUKE +4 @ Georgia Tech

The WEEK 6 Atlanta Fixer Picks

WEEK 6

SOUTH CAROLINA -5 @ Kentucky- I haven’t been to Lexington since Gonzo & I had to mace our way out of a seedy tavern in 2004 after Mildkat fans freaked out about our basketball comments. And we were there in football season…

TOLEDO -5½ @ Western Michigan- I read recently that if you graduate from high school in Kalamazoo you get your college tuition paid for… If you’re an athlete, they pay for you to NOT go to WMU…

PITTSBURGH +6½ @ Virginia- And in typical ACC fashion, the team that shit the bed last week will upset a team that played out of its mind the week before… Eh, at least Pitt’s losses are out of conference…

UCLA -13 vs Utah- All the love that the Utes received after winning a game in Ann Arbor is slowly pissing away as they both find themselves mired in mediocrity… The biggest question this week: Who will be this week’s “Celebrity Token Bruin Phan”??? My money is on Chuck Woolery, if he can get out of his Klan meeting early…

SOUTHERN CAL -11 vs Arizona St- And the rest of the bandwagon LA football phans can jump on a bus(most don’t have reliable transportation) and head over to the Mausoleum and watch another Hong Kong Stomp… Great food in Chinatown along the way…

OKLAHOMA -5 @ TCU- It really gets old, the same hacks on all those mainstream sports outlets(more like outhouses), making shitty picks then not being held accountable… Go look at their records, those fools on That Four Letter Sports Network barely crack 40%... This is another game everyone’s picking(ie hoping) so they can be the one to tell you so…

SOUTH ALABAMA -3½ @ Appalachian St- The last time I was in Boone I spent a week there one night. I blame the sticky buds, the cold beer & the loose women. Or was it cold buds, sticky women & loose beer???

MARSHALL -17 @ Old Dominion- A week later and no one STILL has no f-ing clue where this school is… And the odds are strong that most mouth breathers have no idea where the Thundering Herd hail from either…

 

Push out the jive, bring in the love…

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 6

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week

Week 6 aka “Weak of Weak Sex”

So I’m back from my third city in 3 weeks doing horrific radio bits and they’re getting progressively worse. This week’s exotic locale was the filthy mean streets of D.C., where only 1 out of every 10 talk show caller wants to talk college ball. The other 9 are knuckle-dragging, shit-tard, alcoholic Redskin fans who claim they are 1/16 Comanche Indian and will therefore fight to the grave to keep their racist nickname. But that hardly matters now. This week, our winners include aroused Cocks, Metro Daze memories, and tangerine-colored pricks.  

 

    "I'm stuck in KNOXVILLE??!!"

5 Star Platinum Pick

Ball State +2.5 @ Army: Our esteemed Kilbot Factory hit a new low last week, becoming the first D1 school to lose to an Ivy League school since Skedoodles and post-partum abortions were all the rage. If Army’s football performance translates to modern-day military missions, I’ll take Ebola and the points once our troops hit Liberian soil. We’ll call for Dear Old Testicle U to get their passing game going again and pull off the win in West Point.          

5 Star Picks

South Carolina -4 @ Kentucky: Speaking of Testicles, Steve Spurrier - aka the Ole Ball Sack - is getting his fair share of a Karma Shit Sandwiches shoved down his throat this year after yipping like a poodle all summer long. But a trip to Lexington is just what Steve-O needs to get the Cocks back up. On the other hand, 2 days in Bourbon Country is the last thing his pickled liver needs. Jared Lorenzen must be rollin’ over in his grave.…  

Oklahoma -3.5 @ TCU: The only other coach that could give Spurrier a run for the title of Smarmiest Dickweed Insufferable Coach Alive is the detestable Bob Stoops (who may or may not have herpes). But he’s perfect for the dust bowl of Oklahoma – where the only way to separate the men from the boys is with a restraining order…. I say the Boomers put this out of reach by half-time at Billy Carter Stadium.

4 Star Picks

Tennessee -2.5 vs. Flore-duh: UT coach Butch Jones might embrace the fact that he’s a spitting image of Seargent Carter. I mean - he does have a haircut you can set your watch to. But the fact that he refers to Vols QB Justin Worley as “Miss Bunny” is downright creepy. This week his orange-clad misfits will continue to force Muschamp to eat shit on his Death March. Shazam!     

Ohio State -7 @ Maryland: The Tippi Turtles are having a rough go of it in their year of Big 10 (11?) (12?) pillow fights. At some point this season, Urban Meyer will once again have his annual “heart attack”/Saban PTSD/indigestion/herpes flare up, but it won’t be this game. Afterwards, Randy Edsall accuses Butch Jones of stealing his hair cut.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Cincinnati -3.5 vs. Memphis: This game would’ve been a great hoops matchup back into the Metro Conference days when a young, svelte Bob Huggins was only on his 2nd DUI conviction and Tiger coach Dana Kirk was doing lines off of Beale Street hookers’ asses. But we’ll make do with this snoozer by loading up on Tommy Tubesteak and the BearKats.

Texas A&M +2.5 @ Miss. State: This game hearkens back memories of the infamous Independence Bowl “snow” game on a cold New Year’s Eve night, when Jackie Sherrill castrated the A&M mascot to fire up the Bulldogs. Then he found out the collie was a female. What the hell did he castrate?? This year Kevin Sumlin and Reveille get sweet revenge. 

OK For Now...
BC Gonzo