The Atlanta Fixer's Week Five Prognostications

 

 

WEEK 5

MARYLAND +4½ @ Indiana- A friend of my common-law wife tried to play a prank yesterday, and after it backfired, I spent 2 hours chasing a goddamn chicken in & out of bushes in my neighbors’ yards like Rocky, then I thought the Hoosiers may be in for that kind of day against the Terps…

VANDERBILT +17 @ Kentucky- I’m sitting here writing this week’s picks looking out over a creek that is full of kids splashing and releasing some of that afterschool energy. I have the urge to yell out to all of them that this creek was recently contaminated with coal ash, sewage, gasoline & chicken shit… But HEY, the bartender just brought me a cold beer…

DUKE +7 @ Miami of Flor-duh- Duke announced this week some pretty kool renovation plans to their historic ballyard. Meanwhile, the Hurricane players’ bus #4 broke down on I-95 while making that 45 minute trek to their sterile Dan Marino Herpes-infested rustbox… I miss the Orange Bowl…

CENTRAL MICHIGAN +14½ @ Toledo- I spent part of my week in North Carolina surrounded by mustached men carrying guns and wearing their tight uniforms. And before you get any ideas, the Blue Oyster Bar is in California, and I don’t go out there until November…

CINCINNATI +15½  vs  Ohio St- I applaud any state university who plays their in-state cousins, you’d think the southern states would be more open minded about that kinda stuff… FYI: Tommy the Tubesnake is 2-0 all time vs Oscar Meyer, this will be a saugage party

SOUTHERN CAL -9 vs Oregon St- It was a good thing USC had a bye last week bc it took the team a few days to walk home from Boston after being run the fuck over… If any of you nice Beaver phans hitchhike your way down to LA, be sure to check out Baby Blues near the Santa Monica pier.

BUFFALO -5 vs Miami University- One decent aspect of all this conference swapping is that you get matchups like this… Blue blood middle Ohio trash versus upstate NY gutterballs who’s food chain starts & ends with fried fowl parts.

MIDDLE TENNESSEE +3½ @ Old Dominion- A recent poll exposed some deplorable college football hypocrisy: No one knows what town in Virginia(nor what state) the Monarchs come from. The only reason I know is bc I spent a Summer down at the docks waiting for the fleet to come in…

  

 Push out the jive, bring in the love…

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 5

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 5 aka “Weak of Shitty Ybor City”

Well, I’m back at it after spending a miserable, tequila-soaked week in Tampa doing 2-bit radio shows with half-brained, sports talk shock-jocks whose collective knowledge of college football rivals that of a stillborn kitten. And as far as the Infamous Ybor City district goes, it sucks as bad as Bourbon Street – the only difference is that it reeks of shitty cigar smoke and feral chicken shit as opposed to vomit; oh.. and hand jobs given by Cuban midgets are only $10. So I hear… Anyhaught, another Treacherous line-up of games this week gives us some locks - including durable Trojans, wom-riddlled collies, and Baptist Thugs…..

 

   Burnt to a crisp.. but never forgotten...

 

5 Star Platinum Pick

Southern Cal -9 vs. Oregon State: If you’re expecting some tired, sophomoric, frat-boy humor about Trojans and Beavers, then you’ve come to the right place. Yes, Daniel Tosh might be correct: having sex with a condom is akin to picking up dog shit with a bag - you know the poo is in your hand, but you don’t freak out. Nonetheless, I expect USC to go in raw against the undermanned Beavs and coast to a double digit win in the decrepit Coliseum.      

5 Star Picks
 

Baylor -21.5 @ Iowa St: You know when a trip to Ames is considered a “bucket list” cultural event, you must come from a real shit-hole. But should you be surprised when the biggest attraction in Waco is a monument depicting RG3 setting fire to the Branch Davidian compound?? Anyway, we’ll call for the Cultist Baptists to Christ Punch the Cyclones into oblivion….

Texas A&M -9.5 vs. Arkansas: At one point, I thought Alanis Morissette was one of the hotter chicks in the world. So yes – I’m warped in more ways than one and likely beyond repair. Anyway, she went on Oprah a few weeks ago and claimed her “fame” caused her PTSD. If that is what causes that shit these days, imagine what Bert Bielema and the Hogs will go through after the shellacking in Jerry World. Clint Stoerner must be rollin’ over in his grave…

4 Star Picks

N. Carolina +14.5 @ Clempson: After handing over the gift-wrapped win to the Rapist Noles last week, I can’t see a Water-Head like Dabo Swinney getting his devastated Tiggers up for this game. Even after getting jail-sexed against the Butt Pirates last week, the Heels keep it close.   

Bowling Green -5 @ UMass: After the Falcon’s starting QB was ruled out for this game, this line went down quicker than a bottle of Vicodin at Brett Favre’s house. It doesn’t matter, because some random midget giving hand jobs in Ybor City could suit up and whip the hapless Minutemaids.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Washington +7.5 vs. Stanford: The bad blood between these coaches traces back to an in-home recruiting visit this January, when Cardinal coach David Shaw told a recruit’s mother that noted Scientologist and U-Dub coach Chris Petersen would “rather be jerking off John Travolta in an ARC triangle than developing players”. Not sure what that means, but I know Chris will have his Dachshunds ready to piss on Condi’s trees in the Land of Coffee and Cocaine.   

Iowa -9 @ Purdue: Christ… I actually long for the daze when Hayden Fry and Wilford Brimley were leading these respective teams to half-azzed Bowl games. Now I’d rather watch a diabetic’s foot being amputated than witness this pillow fight. Nonetheless, the Hawks will roll.   

OK For Now…
BC Gonzo

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK FOUR Picks

WEEK 4

As Gonzo & I get our road trips set up for the rest of the season, I looked at things a little bit different this week. I’ve given you, the football fans, what pop culture trending to expect when traveling to any of these games I’ve picked for you this week…

ARIZONA -8 vs California- Looks like Tuscon missed the brunt of the hurricane rain, but a woman at a Taco Bell was chased and beaten up bc she took too long in the drive-thru line and they quit selling breakfast, so the trash couple behind her went all “Falling Down” on her…

BOWLING GREEN +27 @ Wisconsin- In Madison, animal rescuers saved 15 dogs & one parakeet from a family of inbreds, while a “panel” of “experts” held a press conference to give the rest of you morons an overview of the new iPhone… So how many of those dorks stood in line at the mall for 8hrs in the pouring rain???

OKLAHOMA -7½  @ West Virginia- So a WV player defended his girlfriend in a bar, then choked her later, so obviously he’s in jail. Just up the road in the community of Mon Valley a bunch of pillheads were arrested for… wait for it… selling pills. 800 Oxycodone pills & $18k in cash were seized… Didn’t hear of any couch burnings, but the weekend isn’t here…

BALL ST +14 @ Toledo- Along Lake Erie, a teenager was busted for faking his own kidnapping, and a vodka thief was nabbed a few after stuffing an expensive bottle down his pants and running away… in a park… drinking the vodka…

UNLV +21½ @ Houston- Well, I was actually in Houston this week, and it was the usual, a couple of shootings, kids whipped with switches, lots of traffic accidents, and a couple of stand your ground red neck gun nuts killing people for no reason… And some assholes want to tear down the Astrodome… and build a hot dog stand…

TEXAS ST +13½ @ Illinois- And in the middle of fucking nowhere, also known as the Champaign/Urbana metropolis, or “CU” as the local yokels call it, the corn kept growing…

MARSHALL -9½ @ Akron- So people in Ohio must be really desperate for news not involving a killing, bc the Akron news is reporting that a bearded dragon was found in an abandoned house. Other than that, bang bang bang!!!

ARMY -2½ @ Wake Forest- In Winston-Salem, a chocolate store opens downtown to the thrills of the morbidly obese, while another lawsuit against a tobacco company gets all the NASCAR Rickys riled up. Those people are the only ones who still know car racing exists…

 

Push out the jive, bring in the love…

 

 

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 4

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 4 aka “Weak of Weak Kneed over Demon Deacons”

This week’s Turd Circus gives us winners in the form of a doomed Kilbot Factory, undocumented coaches, a Milquetoast Flora-Bama mullet toss, and a Tar Heel State pillow fight. Let's Get Down To Business....  


Can pupil pull off the upset over Lord Saban?

 5 Star Platinum Pick

Arizona -8 vs. California: They say the infamous Rich Rodriguez Sorta Rican offense usually hits full stride in its 3rd year, which is also when Rich gives in to his proclivity for big-bottomed secretaries who prefer cactus-shaped butt plugs over dark chocolate covered strawberries for National Administrative Professional Day gifts. Anyway, he’s gotten rid of those problems in the form of human-shaped carpet bombs at the Arizona/Mejico border. Look for Desert Smarmy to stomp the Liberal Bears.       

5 Star Picks

Wake Forest +2.5 vs. Army: The only thing more depressing than a home game in dreary Winston-Salem is the fact that the prevalence of meth use in the Armed Forces has now officially surpassed the percentage of those with PTSD. No wonder we’ve been whipped in every skirmish since 1950… This week, our esteemed ground forces would rather be facing the ISIS coed flag-fencing team than the Demon Deacons, who will win by double digits in the Skoal Bowl.

Missouri -13.5 vs. Indiana: This matchup hearkens my childhood memory of, after a long-ago Hoosier romp, Bobby Knight referring to former Mizzou Coach Norm Sloan as a, “rudderless thug who couldn’t lead a whore to bed…” Too bad that IU basketball and Coach Knight are both dead… and there’s nothing to look forward to in the future. Twinkle Toed Tiggers in a rout… 

4 Star Picks

Florida +14.5 @ Alabama: The Will Muscato experiment will likely self-destruct by mid-October in a fiery crash reminiscent of the ValuJet (aka, Lawn Dart Airlines) disaster in the Everglades (is an 18 year old reference still funny?). However, he did learn a few things from Saban – including the infamous Angry Dragon. Gaturds keep it close in overweight Brian Dennehy Stadium and possibly pull off the upset.

N. Carolina +3 @ E. Carolina: I will go back to my “system” – back when I was a young undergrad - honing my prognosticating skill set and doing bad things to pictures of my roommate’s sister… Anyway – that system banks on the Let Down factor. The cheating Tar Holes steal a SU win against the Butt Pirates. Chris Johnson must be rollin’ over in his grave…

OK For Now….
BC Gonzo

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 3 Plays

WEEK 3

UTEP -11 vs New Mexico St-  Back in the Spring I made the trek from Las Cruces to El Paso one afternoon, it was a journey filled with the aroma & excruciating loud shrieks of the many  cattle factory farms stretching along the border. The Sun Bowl is one of the few older stadiums that have flushing toilets and decent stadium dogs…

CENTRAL MICHIGAN +6 ½ vs Syracuse- The Chippewas tout their stadium being “service pet friendly”, which mean the vast majority of the frat boys are able to bring their dates to the games…

NORTHERN ILLINOIS -10 @ Las Vegas School For The Blind- The first time I was in Vegas I ended up at a party outside of town watching Andre Agassi doing lines of coke off of Martina Hingis’ ass. I had never had an In & Out burger either…

LOUISVILLE -6½ @ Virginia- The Wahoo alumni have been tormented with thoughts of having to be associated with a remedial school in Kentucky that names its facilities after fast food instead of presidents. Perhaps all these inbred blue bloods should swap their cheese & whine for some bourbon & hot browns…

ARIZONA ST -16 @ Colorado- Gambling Rule #62: If you cannot pronounce a QB’s name, then don’t bet on them… I just hope that the Sun Devils are waaaaay far ahead when they put in their backup QB...

SOUTH FLORIDA +2 vs NC State- One thing is certain; schools who travel to play the Bulls find it difficult to keep their players out of the seedy Ibor City cigar clubs and keep the Columbian prostitutes out of the hotel rooms…

RUTGERS +3 vs Penn St- OK New Jersey, the Big 10+4 has invested a lot to get NYC/NJ to give a shit about Midwestern football. So prove to the whitebreads of Iowa & Indiana that your area isn’t some toxic wasteland and mafia playground…

NEVADA +16 @ Arizona- I’ll be tuning to the halftime show when they dedicate a plaque in the end zone commemorating the 30^th anniversary of the Mildcats’ stadium being used as the home of the Adams Atoms… NERDS!!!

Selah...

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 3

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 3 aka “Weak of Open Palm Slams”

Sigh... Week 3 brings us another lot full of dreadful, cupcake, one-sided blowout games, where the outcomes will resemble the right side of Janay Rice’s face after getting lippy with Ray-Ray. I’d frankly rather watch Chris Brown pontificating on the ills of using your girlfriend as a sparring partner or Jay Paterno’s keynote speech on institutional integrity than tune in to the majority of this week’s Ass-Games. In any case, Let’s Get Down To Business… 


Yeah... I'm that guy, bitches...

 5 Star Platinum Pick

Louisville -6.5 @ Virginia: Speaking of bastions of integrity, Bobby Petrino brings his raunchy brand of ball to Charlottesville (aka, “Rape Country”) to face Dead Man Walking, Mike “Last Train To” London, who is about as comfortable in the head coaching role as Roger Goodell at a National Coalition Against Domestic Violence group therapy session. I’ll call for the Cards to roll by at least 2 TDs…  

5 Star Picks

Texas Tech -1 vs. Arkansas: Koach Kliff Kingsbury defines what it means to be an enema nozzle – meaning a mouthy 30-something Gen X-er who wears his hat backwards, shades on indoors, still sports Affliction shirts in public and refers to everyone as “Bro” (or “Bra” when he’s wasted). The only difference in him and a random, insolent Water-Head in a trendy Buckhead flip-flop bar is that he’s coaching and not lying about some fake job in an upscale Atlanta law firm. This week, he’ll surely run it up against the Hapless Hawgs and their Model-T offense.

Arizona St -15 @ Colorado: Like Kliff and Bobby P, Todd Graham is yet another example (Exhibit 189-A to be exact) of why no one should ever look up to a football coach as a moral compass. Coaches aren’t very good people. The majority are Treacherous. To his credit though, he’s kept many an elegy-to-be burned manufacturer in business in every one of his many previous stops. But no amount of Colorado Purple Kush will soothe the Buffaloes’ pain after Graham’s Desert Devils run rough shod.   

4 Star Picks

Penn State -3 @ Rutgers: It would be way too easy to continue my evil coach theme here, wouldn’t it? But what is the lesser of two evils in this case – the place that protected a Pedor-Ass for 20 years or the place that spawned a would-be Wife and Christ Puncher? Oh well, at least PSU hired Moral Avenging James Franklin, who will certainly tell you that he didn’t, in fact, cover up a rape case at Vandy: http://deadspin.com/report-james-franklin-contacted-rape-victim-in-vanderb-1569639738 Greg Schiano must be rollin’ over in his grave… 

Southern Piss +48 @ Alabama: I’d make fun of the Southern Piss coach, but I honestly lose track of them these daze. I mean, the Eagles cycle through more head coaches than Mike Vick goes through refills of Valtrex prescriptions. Unfortunately for USM, they’ll be the sacrifice at the altar of Brian Dennehy Stadium this week, but I’ll take the points, as $aban doesn’t run up the score.   

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Maryland -3 vs. W. Virginia: This rivalry has been simmering nasty since the 80’s, when former Terp coach Bobby Ross referred to WVU fans as, “six-fingered cannibals who don’t deserve to share our border”. Mountaineer fans responded by burning garbage. Anyhaught, this week’s Terrapin Station features their most abortionistic uniform yet: http://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/09/under-armours-new-maryland-uniforms-are-incredibly-patriotic At least use the “Naked Gun” version of our crappy anthem….

NC State -1.5 @ S. Florida: My friend Wayne Langley recently told me the latest teen drug scourge to hit the armpit of the Tampa/St. Pete area was called “Melon Dusting”, which is the practice of huffing keyboard cleaner whilst masturbating to old photos of Gallagher - Tampa’s own fruit-smashing buffoon. I’d do the same if I had watch the Bulls every week. Wolf Pack rubs one out in the bowels of Raymond James Stadium. 

OK For Now….
BC Gonzo

The Atlanta Fixer's Week Two Selections

 

 

 

WEEK TWO

WYOMING +2½ vs Air Force- If the coaches at the academy can pull the Zoomies off the female cadets for 5 minutes, they may have a fighting chance at a few victories… That’s not likely to happen, so I see this being the first of many schlackings they’ll get this year…

OREGON ST -10½ @ Hawaii- The last time we were here in Honolulu the Rainbow Warriors managed to keep it close to shame me in Week One. That’s a sure fire sign that they’ll mail it in this week. Or they’ll be blinded by the neon orange prison  jumpsuits the Beavers rally around…

PENN ST -14½ vs Akron- So are we finally past the point of constantly making jokes about Paterno, showers, white outs, Shane Conlan, & the Amish??? I hope so, because we need to put the best minds on attacking that filthy tub of Rosacea also known as Terry Bowden…

MIZZOURAH -3½ @ Toledo- The Tigers venture to one of only a handful of cities that Gary Pinkel hasn’t gotten a DUI or a divorce in.

 Rocky Mountain Parlay of the Week:

COLORADO -17 @ umASS- I nominated Peyton Manning as businessman of the year when he opened a shit ton of Kentucky-based dough factory pizza chains just before the state legalized the kind bud. Those who schmoke the weeds to escape life tend to gorge themselves on that kind of pig slop. Pure genius…

COLORADO ST +10½ @ Boise St- I remember the daze of people being amazed that a tiny second rate school in potatoland had the nerve to be different and color their turf a bright blue… Nowadays, schools with fine traditions, Notre Dame, I’m looking in your general direction, hire some meth head ad agency to puke out some alternate uniforms that are designed to pick the pockets of their glorious Dirt Road Alumni…

 The Pelican State Parlay:

LA-LAFAYETTE -14 vs La Tech- Seems like there’s been a lot of attention being given to certain inbred red necks with staunch political views down in the swamps of Bayou Plat. But I think Britney Spears has earned her right to expose her C-section scars & stretch marks to the world… I’m sure her children are destined to be future drop outs of the Technical College of Ruston…

LA-MONROE -14 vs Idaho- Last weekend, the Vandal football team became yet another group of hopeful tourists to venture down into Florida, simply looking for a little adventure, beautiful weather & some good clean fun. And like the rest of us, they left disgusted, insulted & declaring they’d never go back… As for this week’s trip, I weep for their future…

 

Selah...

 

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 2

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week

Week 2 aka “Weak of Ass Games”

 

Once again, I’ve missed my deadline for this goddamn mess, but before we move to Week 2, I’ll gladly address a seemingly simple yet very complicated question posed by a reader this week: “Who has the shittiest fan base?”  This initially stumped me, given that my heart is filled with hate for most teams and their window-licking, tardbilly supporters.  However, after much consideration, I’ve narrowed it down to 2 groups in particular.  You be the judge:

 

 

or

 

After more deliberation, I must go with Seminole fans, who gladly represent the worst part of America’s Wanker: a ghastly mix of millennials who were spawned in the midst of Boxed Wine and Meth Lust, good ole boys who fondly yearn for Bobb-ah Bowden and his fake, folksy ways, and well…the rest of your typical combination of nasally obnoxious yankees, trailer trash, and old farts who constantly reek of a lethal Epsom salt/menthol cocktail.    
 

    Back for an encore, ladies and germs!

 

5 Star Platinum Pick

Missouri -3.5 @ Toledo: Holy DUI, Batman! Seasoned Drinker and Driver Gary Pinkel takes his band of kittens to his old stomping grounds, where a young up and coming coach cut his teeth playing beer pong with corpulent Ohio coeds, eating horse meat tacos at 2 am, and crashing his mini-van into the Glass Bowl.  Coach Pinkel might be a slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker; but he will show no mercy on the Pocket Rockets!  Afterwards, delirious Mizzou fans form a new support group: G.A.M.M. (Gary Against Mad Mothers). 

5 Star Picks

Tulane +10 vs. Ga Tech:  Call this game the undercard for the Saints/Falcons game the following day, where tens of thousands of Saints fans begin their annual trek up I-85 to Atlanta.  For those of you who are unfortunate enough to live in the direct path of this treacherous caravan, the overpowering stench will hit you an hour before they hit your town. It uncannily reeks of gangrene and beer diarrhea.  Believe me, it’s more accurate than hurricane tracking.  Anyway – back to the college boys.  Assuming Paul Johnson’s dirty thugs don’t chop block half the Tulane team into the ACL ward, the Wave keeps it close in its shiny new digs. 

Oregon State -10 @ Hawaii:  The Crusty Dean of Pac 12 coaches, Mike Riley, has learned a lot since his 1^st stint at OSU, including the location of every Jack Shack, Steam and Cream, and Rub and Tug in the greater Corvallis area.  And that’s why Take Two in C-Town will result in happy ending for Mike.  He also knows he’ll be able to slice and dice the Flamin Rainbow defense with the arm of Sean Mannion.  Timm-ah Chang must be rollin’ over in his grave.   

4 Star Picks

Notre Dame -3.5 vs. Michigan: If there’s one thing Brian Kelly does well, it’s sentencing student videographers to death. Or covering up academic fraud. Or ignoring sexual assaults that lead to suicide. Or playing Michael Floyd after his 3^rd DUI.  Brian Kelly – you are a very bad man.  At least their overbearing fans will witness the Cheatin’ Irish pummel their fat, pasty brethren for the last time in a while.   

Colorado St +10 @ Boise State: The combination of Jim McElwain, running back (and Bama castoff) Dee Hart, and Legalized Pot Parties could propel the Rams to unexplainable highs this year. Um.  On the other hand, these ain’t the Buckin’ Broncos of Chris Peterson yore.  Or, Christ, even the daze of Houston Nutt.  We’ll call for a nail biter on the Blue Ball Turf.   

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Purdue -3.5 vs. C. Michigan:  Of all the horrific things I wrote in my Week 1 picks, my interpretation of a “Boilermaker” generated the most hate mail.  So sensitive, those Purdue fans!  Anyway, they’d better turn their attention to their second straight opponent from a directional school in Michigan.  In front of a sparse crowd, the Boilers move to 2-0.  Now – back to sitting on your buddy’s face, Purdue Man!   

Fresno St +13 @ Utah: I was told I missed badly on my Fresno pick from last week, so I’ll give the Valley Dawgs one more chance for redemption.  After getting dry humped in the Coliseum last week, something tells me they won’t be intimated by the Utes.  I’m not sure what’s happened to Utah – perhaps it’s the new pre-game meal of green jello and carrots; or perhaps it’s the inspirational pre-game film: Greatest Moments of the Utah Jazz in the New Millenium (narrated by Norm MacDonald of course)... 

Ok For Now…..

BC Gonzo