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| They'll sell millions because people are morons |
WEEK TWO
Let’s shake off the rust and look forward to an uneventful weekend of predictable games… Perhaps when my Labor Day Sweats wear off, I can bring more of a intro to the table.
Tulsa -10 vs Colorado St- The Battle For Colorado turned out to be more of a pillow fight, the Rams have as much talent as an Adam Sandler film and seem to be more interested in a Hot Tub Time Machine-predictable sequel than competing in that 2nd rate conference. The Drillers play in a town that spurns more meth heads than high school graduates…
Cincinnati -8 @ Illinois- One time, in Lexington, Ky, I ordered a bottle of “your 2nd cheapest champagne” and they brought us a bottle of Night Train. Once you get on the Night Train, you never get off, in more ways than one… I also spent a night in a moldy Microtel in Urbana one gamey summer night & can say that the smell of dead cow and rotting corn can make any man submit to sodomy…
Syracuse +16 @ Northwestern- If either of the Mildcats QBs find their way to the stadium post concussed, they may have a fighting chance… And maybe they’ll be brain damaged enough to actually eat one of those new French fry burgers at that royal burger stand(that's always in the worst parts of town) that would sue me for mentioning their name bc no one with a sane brain and more than $3 in their pocket ever eats there… geez... I lost my train of thought…
Houston -3 @ Temple- Whatever the f*ck conference these two peckerheaded teams play in doesn’t matter. I blame the execs at That Four Letter Sports Channel for creating the pseudo-hype that freaked out all the cornbread-eating gray hairs who run this sport into gobbling up unwarranted teams like their mistresses gobble up their ear hair off the no-tell motel bed sheets…
Penn St -23 vs Eastern Michigan- I’m not easily impressed… Look!!! A blue car!!! As was I of the Nittany Lions and their spectacular names on the backs of their precious jerseys. Reminded me of the time in 9yr old All Stars when my teammates’ single mom showed up to our game in a bikini and all the coaches crammed in to our van for 30 minutes… Because that was the first time I had my name… nevermind. He was the shittiest player but always taken in the top 10 of the dad's coaches' draft.
Texas -7 @ BYU- Ka-rist! Every time I see one of those goddamn Wendy’s commercials with that pretentious rat-nippled redheaded whore, I think she must be really popular among the pasty crosseyed freaks that populate the Beehive state. Plus they’re the only crackers who eat that garbage and suck down multiple frosties before going home to fire up the crock pot
Michigan -3½ vs Notre Dame- There will be a lot of sausage eaten in the parking lot before this game kicks off. And that doesn’t include what’s on the grill… I loathe at the sight of 100k obese, nasally, pretentious(for no reason) doughy troglodytes who think their version of football is superior to schools who actually win national championships…
Your Total Play:
Oklahoma St @ UTSA Over 60- Okkie St’s defense wasn’t tested by the cowbell shriekers last week, while Larry Cokehead has assembled a factory of remedial goons who somehow learn how to line up in formations & run plays, despite their opposable thumbs and a vast lacking of grey matter. Points will be aplenty while most people in town will be getting a tour of the Alamo’s basement…
selah...
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