WEEK THREE
I received a Groupon offer yesterday, and it got me riled up… In a couple of weeks, the city of Birmingham will host the Southern Women’s Show in one of their run-down, asbestos-filled convention halls, where mold & cockroaches hold daily festivals of comfortable living... The show will feature the dirt spitting matriarch of that bayou inbred family that sucks the collective intelligence out of their viewers each week those garbage peddlers are allowed to be broadcast. You have your flaming male chef, your pseudo-elitist fashion snob & a troop of white prudes hell-bent on keeping Confederate Couth alive and well… I’ve said it for decades, but Gone With The Wind ruined this part of the country; it has turned every deep south female into some deranged debutante who thinks they deserve to be treated like a queen. I shouldn’t shit all over them however, by getting these ladies out of the house, the show will probably save many of them from drunken beatings by their common-law husbands once their favorite team goes down in flames…
Louisville -13 @ Kentucky- The Battle of The Bluegrass(GF trademark pending) should turn into a pillow fight by the time Rick Pitino finishes his brunch of Eggs Benedict, home fries, mimosas & the ass of a 40yr old bleach blonde daughter of a former horse owner of a 7th place Derby finisher… Any other reason to care about this game other than the line???
Georgia Tech -8 @ Duke- Fade the Devils until they start playing in Cameron Crowe Indoor Stadium. Even the most diehard Techie has come to the realization that a Gator Bowl appearance sets the bar. And is there anything worse on this planet than a Duke basketball phan trying to pretend he/she knows a goddamn thing about football???
Central Florida +6 @ Penn St- George O’Henry played up in Akron last season and now he takes his team to Surprise Valley, must be that yearning to be in Northern Indiana, where loads of mushroom personalities attend school and try to shed the personae of Beer Pong wastoids and being in the weekly DAR of The Chive.
UTSA +26½ @ Arizona- Obviously, I have a place in my heart for the stadium that was used to be the home of the Adams Atoms. If only we could harness the energy of that time and bring it to the the level of tricycle beer slamming and limp-wristed javelin tossing. I hear Rich Rod was the honorary belching contest champion…
Virginia Tech -7 @ East Carolina- Looks like inexperienced QB Logan Thomas found the broad side of a barn last week, he may be working himself into a 3rd string role with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, exciting! As far as what your entertainment dollar gets you in Green(e)ville, you’re better off picking out the skuzziest guy in the bar and asking him to kick you in the nuts and take your wallet, well hell, he may even give you a reach-around…
Rice -6 vs Kansas- What else is there to talk about in this game than the Jayhawks portly front-butted coach with a haircut you can set your watch to. The fact that those turds in Northern Indiana have paid that Hutt millions reinforces their expertise at bad hiring… But he DOES have a haircut you can set your watch to...
Southern Cal -14 vs BC- I don’t know man, its just one of those games that you see and say, "Shit, dude, that Kiffin fuckstick couldn’t possibly screw up this game, could he??? And man, right, just when you think they are done for, they come back and surprise ya, just like Bobby Labonte did for me in the1998 Cheez-It 500 at the Carson Fairgrounds…"
Texas A&M +8 vs Alabama- Strictly a reverse jinx play here, but if I told you this was a reverse jinx play, would it reverse the reverse jinx??? I may just tune in to Eli Gold on the new home for the Crimson Tide in Atlanta, 92.9 The Fan, in order to avoid the sex cam focused on that little bitch QB.
"Totally Awesome!!!!"
Rutgers/ EMU Over 51- The perfect setting for a backdoor TD with 3 min left and the Scarlet Knights already up 42-7… If the Eagles walk out of the tunnel in those crappy gray unis, you have my permission to throw your nachos at them…
WVa/Ga St Over 56- If only the NCAA would mandate rules like European soccer that relegates the shittiest teams down a level each year… We’d NEVER see the Panthers again, unless they upset Kennesaw St in the Jaw-Juh Low Rent New Program Bowl
New Mex/Pitt Under 52- Will anyone score in this game??? Methinks points will be as hard to come by as a clean glass of drinking water or a packet of Hunts at this game…
Wash/Ill Under 63- I really miss saying "Gad Zooks!", there, that’s the last time it’ll appear, unless he ends up at Central Michigan next season.
USF/FAU Over 43- Directional schools don’t play defense nor do they offer accredited degrees, other than the ones that will allow you comp a potato bar charge at the Lakeland Golden Corral…
selah...
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