Week 1 aka “Weak of Tradition of Heritage”
Well…yes…So here I go - Year 12 of the BC Gonzo Pix of the Week. For those of you that think I’ve gotten lazier over the past few years, you are probably right….I completely whiffed on my deadlines 2 times last year and went AWOL for the bowl season. Such is the product of a being a surly, lazy drunk with a heart filled with hate and too much time on his hands. However, I can’t hold a candle to today’s unfortunate culture of shitty, Treacherous college football writers (see the Dodds, Wolkens, Hayes, Fordes of the world..), who are more consumed with spewing their high-horsed opinions than providing substance or dealing in facts. If you see any of these journalists at any of your team’s games (and let's face it, they're pretty easy to spot; they don't stray far from free food, reek of last night’s cheap gin, wear god-awful clothes - particularly the shoes - have horrific hair and that kind of “mug me” look about them), box their ears for me and tell 'em to behave.
Before
we get into our Week 1 treachery, the Atlanta Fixer and I would like to thank
our fine sponsors from HandzOff Fast Acting Anti-Masturbatory
Gum: “Instant Relief Lasting Up to 6 Hours!”
Let’s
Get Down to Business…
5 Star Platinum Pick
Marshall – 7.5 vs. Purdue: Doc Holliday might not have
the charisma of Val Kilmer’s herpes-infested Doc Holliday character in
Tombstone, but he has enough Savoir-Faire to convince inner-city kids from S.
Florida to come to the Cultural Wonderland that is West Virginia. That and bags
of cash... These gang-bangin’ boyz from Huntington will obliterate the Hapless
Boilers on Sunday.
5 Star Picks
UL Lafayette +17 @ Kentucky Cal: Mark Stoops is the stunted, window-licking
brother of the tarded-up Stoops Sibling Trio. Fortunately for him, UK football
is a blip on the radar of Wildcat Fandom hobbies – ranking behind the likes of
imaginary conversations with a 1995 era Rick Pitino and trying to get a whiff
of horribly-aged Ashley Judd’s underarm sweat at Rupp Arena. Gonzo’s Cajuns
will keep this one close in the Blue Grass.
BYU +7 @ Nebraska: In Children of the Corn, Isaac
informs his flock that He Who Walks Behind The Rows did say, "I will send
outlanders amongst you.” I assume he was talking about the Mormons invading
Lincoln this weekend. Methinks that Mormons are the only church creepier than
Stephen King’s Demon Child Congregation. Don’t be surprised if Bronco’s Boys
pull off the upset. Dave Rimington must
be rollin’ over in his steroid-filled grave…
4 Star Picks
Arizona State +3.5 vs. Texas A&M: In Ted 2, the lovable
Teddy Bear asks an ASU grad if it’s called “Arizona State or just HPVU”? That
was about the only humorous bit in a movie that was overall about as funny as
beer diarrhea in a space suit. Speaking of bad smells, the sewer city of
Houston will be chocked full of disappointed Aggies after this
pseudo-upset.
Louisville +10.5 vs. Awbern: Labor Day weekend in Atlanta
is always a Treacherous Fuck All, what with the annual Dragon Con festival and the Black
Homer-Sexual Pride Parade. This year’s influx of AllBarn fans making the short
trek from West Georgia will surely make it a Shit Show for the ages. Look for
Ricky Bobby and the Cards to keep it close in the Dome.
3 Star Picks (shits and
giggles picks)
Virginia +19.5 @ UCLA: Once again, Mike London is a
dead man walking at UVA, and his Hoos will be making a miserable cross country
trip from Rape Country. However, the Cavs will keep it respectable, as the
Bruins will suffer growing pains with their true freshman QB, Josh Rosenpenis. Or
is it Josh Rosenrosen, or just Josh Rosen?
Northwestern +12 vs. Stanford: There’s no truth to the
rumor that Pat Fitzgerald enlisted the help of Republican hopeful/Water-Head
Scott Walker to bust the players’ unionizing attempts. But at least the Evanston brainiacs can focus
on football and keeping it respectable against the Leftists from Palo Alto.
Ok
For Now…..
BC
Gonzo
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