SOUTH
CAROLINA -5 @ Kentucky- I haven’t been to Lexington since Gonzo & I had to
mace our way out of a seedy tavern in 2004 after Mildkat fans freaked out about
our basketball comments. And we were there in football season…
TOLEDO -5½ @
Western Michigan- I read recently that if you graduate from high school in
Kalamazoo you get your college tuition paid for… If you’re an athlete, they
pay for you to NOT go to WMU…
PITTSBURGH
+6½ @ Virginia- And in typical ACC fashion, the team that shit the bed last
week will upset a team that played out of its mind the week before… Eh, at
least Pitt’s losses are out of conference…
UCLA -13 vs
Utah- All the love that the Utes received after winning a game in Ann Arbor is
slowly pissing away as they both find themselves mired in mediocrity… The biggest
question this week: Who will be this week’s “Celebrity Token Bruin Phan”??? My
money is on Chuck Woolery, if he can get out of his Klan meeting early…
SOUTHERN CAL
-11 vs Arizona St- And the rest of the bandwagon LA football phans can jump on
a bus(most don’t have reliable transportation) and head over to the Mausoleum and
watch another Hong Kong Stomp… Great food in Chinatown along the way…
OKLAHOMA -5
@ TCU- It really gets old, the same hacks on all those mainstream sports
outlets(more like outhouses), making shitty picks then not being held
accountable… Go look at their records, those fools on That Four Letter Sports
Network barely crack 40%... This is another game everyone’s picking(ie hoping)
so they can be the one to tell you so…
SOUTH ALABAMA
-3½ @ Appalachian St- The last time I was in Boone I spent a week there one
night. I blame the sticky buds, the cold beer & the loose women. Or was it
cold buds, sticky women & loose beer???
MARSHALL -17
@ Old Dominion- A week later and no one STILL has no f-ing clue where this school
is… And the odds are strong that most mouth breathers have no idea where the Thundering
Herd hail from either…
So I’m back from my third city in 3 weeks doing horrific radio bits and they’re getting progressively worse. This week’s exotic locale was the filthy mean streets of D.C., where only 1 out of every 10 talk show caller wants to talk college ball. The other 9 are knuckle-dragging, shit-tard, alcoholic Redskin fans who claim they are 1/16 Comanche Indian and will therefore fight to the grave to keep their racist nickname. But that hardly matters now. This week, our winners include aroused Cocks, Metro Daze memories, and tangerine-colored pricks.
"I'm stuck in KNOXVILLE??!!"
5 Star Platinum Pick
Ball State +2.5 @ Army: Our esteemed Kilbot Factory hit a new low last week, becoming the first D1 school to lose to an Ivy League school since Skedoodles and post-partum abortions were all the rage. If Army’s football performance translates to modern-day military missions, I’ll take Ebola and the points once our troops hit Liberian soil. We’ll call for Dear Old Testicle U to get their passing game going again and pull off the win in West Point.
5 Star Picks
South Carolina -4 @ Kentucky: Speaking of Testicles, Steve Spurrier - aka the Ole Ball Sack - is getting his fair share of a Karma Shit Sandwiches shoved down his throat this year after yipping like a poodle all summer long. But a trip to Lexington is just what Steve-O needs to get the Cocks back up. On the other hand, 2 days in Bourbon Country is the last thing his pickled liver needs. Jared Lorenzen must be rollin’ over in his grave.…
Oklahoma -3.5 @ TCU: The only other coach that could give Spurrier a run for the title of Smarmiest Dickweed Insufferable Coach Alive is the detestable Bob Stoops (who may or may not have herpes). But he’s perfect for the dust bowl of Oklahoma – where the only way to separate the men from the boys is with a restraining order…. I say the Boomers put this out of reach by half-time at Billy Carter Stadium.
4 Star Picks
Tennessee -2.5 vs. Flore-duh: UT coach Butch Jones might embrace the fact that he’s a spitting image of Seargent Carter. I mean - he does have a haircut you can set your watch to. But the fact that he refers to Vols QB Justin Worley as “Miss Bunny” is downright creepy. This week his orange-clad misfits will continue to force Muschamp to eat shit on his Death March. Shazam!
Ohio State -7 @ Maryland: The Tippi Turtles are having a rough go of it in their year of Big 10 (11?) (12?) pillow fights. At some point this season, Urban Meyer will once again have his annual “heart attack”/Saban PTSD/indigestion/herpes flare up, but it won’t be this game. Afterwards, Randy Edsall accuses Butch Jones of stealing his hair cut.
3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)
Cincinnati -3.5 vs. Memphis: This game would’ve been a great hoops matchup back into the Metro Conference days when a young, svelte Bob Huggins was only on his 2nd DUI conviction and Tiger coach Dana Kirk was doing lines off of Beale Street hookers’ asses. But we’ll make do with this snoozer by loading up on Tommy Tubesteak and the BearKats.
Texas A&M +2.5 @ Miss. State: This game hearkens back memories of the infamous Independence Bowl “snow” game on a cold New Year’s Eve night, when Jackie Sherrill castrated the A&M mascot to fire up the Bulldogs. Then he found out the collie was a female. What the hell did he castrate?? This year Kevin Sumlin and Reveille get sweet revenge.
MARYLAND +4½
@ Indiana- A friend of my common-law wife tried to play a prank yesterday, and
after it backfired, I spent 2 hours chasing a goddamn chicken in & out of
bushes in my neighbors’ yards like Rocky, then I thought the Hoosiers may be in
for that kind of day against the Terps…
VANDERBILT
+17 @ Kentucky- I’m sitting here writing this week’s picks looking out over a
creek that is full of kids splashing and releasing some of that afterschool
energy. I have the urge to yell out to all of them that this creek was recently
contaminated with coal ash, sewage, gasoline & chicken shit… But HEY, the
bartender just brought me a cold beer…
DUKE +7 @
Miami of Flor-duh- Duke announced this week some pretty kool renovation plans
to their historic ballyard. Meanwhile, the Hurricane players’ bus #4 broke down
on I-95 while making that 45 minute trek to their sterile Dan Marino
Herpes-infested rustbox… I miss the Orange Bowl…
CENTRAL
MICHIGAN +14½ @ Toledo- I spent part of my week in North Carolina surrounded by
mustached men carrying guns and wearing their tight uniforms. And before you
get any ideas, the Blue Oyster Bar is in California, and I don’t go out there
until November…
CINCINNATI
+15½ vsOhio St- I applaud any state university who plays their in-state
cousins, you’d think the southern states would be more open minded about that
kinda stuff… FYI: Tommy the Tubesnake is 2-0 all time vs Oscar Meyer, this will
be a saugage party
SOUTHERN CAL
-9 vs Oregon St- It was a good thing USC had a bye last week bc it took the
team a few days to walk home from Boston after being run the fuck over… If any
of you nice Beaver phans hitchhike your way down to LA, be sure to check out Baby
Blues near the Santa Monica pier.
BUFFALO -5
vs Miami University- One decent aspect of all this conference swapping is that
you get matchups like this… Blue blood middle Ohio trash versus upstate NY
gutterballs who’s food chain starts & ends with fried fowl parts.
MIDDLE
TENNESSEE +3½ @ Old Dominion- A recent poll exposed some deplorable college
football hypocrisy: No one knows what town in Virginia(nor what state) the
Monarchs come from. The only reason I know is bc I spent a Summer down at the
docks waiting for the fleet to come in…
BC Gonzo Pix of the Week Week 5 aka “Weak of Shitty Ybor City”
Well, I’m back at it after spending a miserable, tequila-soaked week in Tampa doing 2-bit radio shows with half-brained, sports talk shock-jocks whose collective knowledge of college football rivals that of a stillborn kitten. And as far as the Infamous Ybor City district goes, it sucks as bad as Bourbon Street – the only difference is that it reeks of shitty cigar smoke and feral chicken shit as opposed to vomit; oh.. and hand jobs given by Cuban midgets are only $10. So I hear… Anyhaught, another Treacherous line-up of games this week gives us some locks - including durable Trojans, wom-riddlled collies, and Baptist Thugs…..
Burnt to a crisp.. but never forgotten...
5 Star Platinum Pick
Southern Cal -9 vs. Oregon State: If you’re expecting some tired, sophomoric, frat-boy humor about Trojans and Beavers, then you’ve come to the right place. Yes, Daniel Tosh might be correct: having sex with a condom is akin to picking up dog shit with a bag - you know the poo is in your hand, but you don’t freak out. Nonetheless, I expect USC to go in raw against the undermanned Beavs and coast to a double digit win in the decrepit Coliseum.
5 Star Picks
Baylor -21.5 @ Iowa St: You know when a trip to Ames is considered a “bucket list” cultural event, you must come from a real shit-hole. But should you be surprised when the biggest attraction in Waco is a monument depicting RG3 setting fire to the Branch Davidian compound?? Anyway, we’ll call for the Cultist Baptists to Christ Punch the Cyclones into oblivion….
Texas A&M -9.5 vs. Arkansas: At one point, I thought Alanis Morissette was one of the hotter chicks in the world. So yes – I’m warped in more ways than one and likely beyond repair. Anyway, she went on Oprah a few weeks ago and claimed her “fame” caused her PTSD. If that is what causes that shit these days, imagine what Bert Bielema and the Hogs will go through after the shellacking in Jerry World. Clint Stoerner must be rollin’ over in his grave…
4 Star Picks
N. Carolina +14.5 @ Clempson: After handing over the gift-wrapped win to the Rapist Noles last week, I can’t see a Water-Head like Dabo Swinney getting his devastated Tiggers up for this game. Even after getting jail-sexed against the Butt Pirates last week, the Heels keep it close.
Bowling Green -5 @ UMass: After the Falcon’s starting QB was ruled out for this game, this line went down quicker than a bottle of Vicodin at Brett Favre’s house. It doesn’t matter, because some random midget giving hand jobs in Ybor City could suit up and whip the hapless Minutemaids.
3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)
Washington +7.5 vs. Stanford: The bad blood between these coaches traces back to an in-home recruiting visit this January, when Cardinal coach David Shaw told a recruit’s mother that noted Scientologist and U-Dub coach Chris Petersen would “rather be jerking off John Travolta in an ARC triangle than developing players”. Not sure what that means, but I know Chris will have his Dachshunds ready to piss on Condi’s trees in the Land of Coffee and Cocaine.
Iowa -9 @ Purdue: Christ… I actually long for the daze when Hayden Fry and Wilford Brimley were leading these respective teams to half-azzed Bowl games. Now I’d rather watch a diabetic’s foot being amputated than witness this pillow fight. Nonetheless, the Hawks will roll.
As Gonzo
& I get our road trips set up for the rest of the season, I looked at
things a little bit different this week. I’ve given you, the football fans, what pop culture trending to expect when
traveling to any of these games I’ve picked for you this week…
ARIZONA -8
vs California- Looks like Tuscon missed the brunt of the hurricane rain, but a
woman at a Taco Bell was chased and beaten up bc she took too long in the
drive-thru line and they quit selling breakfast, so the trash couple behind her
went all “Falling Down” on her…
BOWLING
GREEN +27 @ Wisconsin- In Madison, animal rescuers saved 15 dogs & one
parakeet from a family of inbreds, while a “panel” of “experts” held a press
conference to give the rest of you morons an overview of the new iPhone… So how
many of those dorks stood in line at the mall for 8hrs in the pouring rain???
OKLAHOMA -7½
@ West Virginia- So a WV player defended
his girlfriend in a bar, then choked her later, so obviously he’s in jail. Just
up the road in the community of Mon Valley a bunch of pillheads were arrested
for… wait for it… selling pills. 800 Oxycodone pills & $18k in cash were seized…
Didn’t hear of any couch burnings, but the weekend isn’t here…
BALL ST +14
@ Toledo- Along Lake Erie, a teenager was busted for faking his own kidnapping,
and a vodka thief was nabbed a few after stuffing an expensive bottle down his
pants and running away… in a park… drinking the vodka…
UNLV +21½ @
Houston- Well, I was actually in Houston this week, and it was the usual, a
couple of shootings, kids whipped with switches, lots of traffic accidents, and
a couple of stand your ground red neck gun nuts killing people for no reason…
And some assholes want to tear down the Astrodome… and build a hot dog stand…
TEXAS ST +13½
@ Illinois- And in the middle of fucking nowhere, also known as the Champaign/Urbana
metropolis, or “CU” as the local yokels call it, the corn kept growing…
MARSHALL -9½
@ Akron- So people in Ohio must be really desperate for news not involving a
killing, bc the Akron news is reporting that a bearded dragon was found in an
abandoned house. Other than that, bang bang bang!!!
ARMY -2½ @
Wake Forest- In Winston-Salem, a chocolate store opens downtown to the thrills
of the morbidly obese, while another lawsuit against a tobacco company gets all
the NASCAR Rickys riled up. Those people are the only ones who still know car
racing exists…
BC Gonzo Pix of the Week Week 4 aka “Weak of Weak Kneed over Demon Deacons”
This week’s Turd Circus gives us winners in the form of a doomed Kilbot Factory, undocumented coaches, a Milquetoast Flora-Bama mullet toss, and a Tar Heel State pillow fight. Let's Get Down To Business....
Can pupil pull off the upset over Lord Saban?
5 Star Platinum Pick Arizona -8 vs. California: They say the infamous Rich Rodriguez Sorta Rican offense usually hits full stride in its 3rd year, which is also when Rich gives in to his proclivity for big-bottomed secretaries who prefer cactus-shaped butt plugs over dark chocolate covered strawberries for National Administrative Professional Day gifts. Anyway, he’s gotten rid of those problems in the form of human-shaped carpet bombs at the Arizona/Mejico border. Look for Desert Smarmy to stomp the Liberal Bears.
5 Star Picks
Wake Forest +2.5 vs. Army: The only thing more depressing than a home game in dreary Winston-Salem is the fact that the prevalence of meth use in the Armed Forces has now officially surpassed the percentage of those with PTSD. No wonder we’ve been whipped in every skirmish since 1950… This week, our esteemed ground forces would rather be facing the ISIS coed flag-fencing team than the Demon Deacons, who will win by double digits in the Skoal Bowl.
Missouri -13.5 vs. Indiana: This matchup hearkens my childhood memory of, after a long-ago Hoosier romp, Bobby Knight referring to former Mizzou Coach Norm Sloan as a, “rudderless thug who couldn’t lead a whore to bed…” Too bad that IU basketball and Coach Knight are both dead… and there’s nothing to look forward to in the future. Twinkle Toed Tiggers in a rout…
4 Star Picks
Florida +14.5 @ Alabama: The Will Muscato experiment will likely self-destruct by mid-October in a fiery crash reminiscent of the ValuJet (aka, Lawn Dart Airlines) disaster in the Everglades (is an 18 year old reference still funny?). However, he did learn a few things from Saban – including the infamous Angry Dragon. Gaturds keep it close in overweight Brian Dennehy Stadium and possibly pull off the upset.
N. Carolina +3 @ E. Carolina: I will go back to my “system” – back when I was a young undergrad - honing my prognosticating skill set and doing bad things to pictures of my roommate’s sister… Anyway – that system banks on the Let Down factor. The cheating Tar Holes steal a SU win against the Butt Pirates. Chris Johnson must be rollin’ over in his grave…
UTEP -11 vs
New Mexico St- Back in the Spring I made
the trek from Las Cruces to El Paso one afternoon, it was a journey filled with
the aroma & excruciating loud shrieks of the many cattle factory farms stretching along the
border. The Sun Bowl is one of the few older stadiums that have flushing
toilets and decent stadium dogs…
CENTRAL
MICHIGAN +6 ½ vs Syracuse- The Chippewas tout their stadium being “service pet
friendly”, which mean the vast majority of the frat boys are able to bring
their dates to the games…
NORTHERN
ILLINOIS -10 @ Las Vegas School For The Blind- The first time I was in Vegas I
ended up at a party outside of town watching Andre Agassi doing lines of coke
off of Martina Hingis’ ass. I had never had an In & Out burger either…
LOUISVILLE
-6½ @ Virginia- The Wahoo alumni have been tormented with thoughts of having to
be associated with a remedial school in Kentucky that names its facilities
after fast food instead of presidents. Perhaps all these inbred blue bloods
should swap their cheese & whine for some bourbon & hot browns…
ARIZONA ST
-16 @ Colorado- Gambling Rule #62: If you cannot pronounce a QB’s name, then
don’t bet on them… I just hope that the Sun Devils are waaaaay far ahead when
they put in their backup QB...
SOUTH
FLORIDA +2 vs NC State- One thing is certain; schools who travel to play the
Bulls find it difficult to keep their players out of the seedy Ibor City cigar
clubs and keep the Columbian prostitutes out of the hotel rooms…
RUTGERS +3
vs Penn St- OK New Jersey, the Big 10+4 has invested a lot to get NYC/NJ to
give a shit about Midwestern football. So prove to the whitebreads of Iowa
& Indiana that your area isn’t some toxic wasteland and mafia playground…
NEVADA +16 @ Arizona- I’ll be tuning to the
halftime show when they dedicate a plaque in the end zone commemorating the 30th
anniversary of the Mildcats’ stadium being used as the home of the Adams Atoms…
NERDS!!!
BC Gonzo Pix of the Week Week 3 aka “Weak of Open Palm Slams”
Sigh... Week 3 brings us another lot full of dreadful, cupcake, one-sided blowout games, where the outcomes will resemble the right side of Janay Rice’s face after getting lippy with Ray-Ray. I’d frankly rather watch Chris Brown pontificating on the ills of using your girlfriend as a sparring partner or Jay Paterno’s keynote speech on institutional integrity than tune in to the majority of this week’s Ass-Games. In any case, Let’s Get Down To Business…
Yeah... I'm that guy, bitches...
5 Star Platinum Pick
Louisville -6.5 @ Virginia: Speaking of bastions of integrity, Bobby Petrino brings his raunchy brand of ball to Charlottesville (aka, “Rape Country”) to face Dead Man Walking, Mike “Last Train To” London, who is about as comfortable in the head coaching role as Roger Goodell at a National Coalition Against Domestic Violence group therapy session. I’ll call for the Cards to roll by at least 2 TDs…
5 Star Picks
Texas Tech -1 vs. Arkansas: Koach Kliff Kingsbury defines what it means to be an enema nozzle – meaning a mouthy 30-something Gen X-er who wears his hat backwards, shades on indoors, still sports Affliction shirts in public and refers to everyone as “Bro” (or “Bra” when he’s wasted). The only difference in him and a random, insolent Water-Head in a trendy Buckhead flip-flop bar is that he’s coaching and not lying about some fake job in an upscale Atlanta law firm. This week, he’ll surely run it up against the Hapless Hawgs and their Model-T offense.
Arizona St -15 @ Colorado: Like Kliff and Bobby P, Todd Graham is yet another example (Exhibit 189-A to be exact) of why no one should ever look up to a football coach as a moral compass. Coaches aren’t very good people. The majority are Treacherous. To his credit though, he’s kept many an elegy-to-be burned manufacturer in business in every one of his many previous stops. But no amount of Colorado Purple Kush will soothe the Buffaloes’ pain after Graham’s Desert Devils run rough shod.
4 Star Picks
Penn State -3 @ Rutgers: It would be way too easy to continue my evil coach theme here, wouldn’t it? But what is the lesser of two evils in this case – the place that protected a Pedor-Ass for 20 years or the place that spawned a would-be Wife and Christ Puncher? Oh well, at least PSU hired Moral Avenging James Franklin, who will certainly tell you that he didn’t, in fact, cover up a rape case at Vandy: http://deadspin.com/report-james-franklin-contacted-rape-victim-in-vanderb-1569639738 Greg Schiano must be rollin’ over in his grave…
Southern Piss +48 @ Alabama: I’d make fun of the Southern Piss coach, but I honestly lose track of them these daze. I mean, the Eagles cycle through more head coaches than Mike Vick goes through refills of Valtrex prescriptions. Unfortunately for USM, they’ll be the sacrifice at the altar of Brian Dennehy Stadium this week, but I’ll take the points, as $aban doesn’t run up the score.
3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)
Maryland -3 vs. W. Virginia: This rivalry has been simmering nasty since the 80’s, when former Terp coach Bobby Ross referred to WVU fans as, “six-fingered cannibals who don’t deserve to share our border”. Mountaineer fans responded by burning garbage. Anyhaught, this week’s Terrapin Station features their most abortionistic uniform yet: http://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/09/under-armours-new-maryland-uniforms-are-incredibly-patriotic At least use the “Naked Gun” version of our crappy anthem….
NC State -1.5 @ S. Florida: My friend Wayne Langley recently told me the latest teen drug scourge to hit the armpit of the Tampa/St. Pete area was called “Melon Dusting”, which is the practice of huffing keyboard cleaner whilst masturbating to old photos of Gallagher - Tampa’s own fruit-smashing buffoon. I’d do the same if I had watch the Bulls every week. Wolf Pack rubs one out in the bowels of Raymond James Stadium.
WYOMING +2½
vs Air Force- If the coaches at the academy can pull the Zoomies off the female
cadets for 5 minutes, they may have a fighting chance at a few victories… That’s
not likely to happen, so I see this being the first of many schlackings they’ll
get this year…
OREGON ST
-10½ @ Hawaii- The last time we were here in Honolulu the Rainbow Warriors
managed to keep it close to shame me in Week One. That’s a sure fire sign that
they’ll mail it in this week. Or they’ll be blinded by the neon orange prison
jumpsuits the Beavers rally around… PENN ST -14½
vs Akron- So are we finally past the point of constantly making jokes about
Paterno, showers, white outs, Shane Conlan, & the Amish??? I hope so,
because we need to put the best minds on attacking that filthy tub of Rosacea also known
as Terry Bowden…
MIZZOURAH -3½
@ Toledo- The Tigers venture to one of only a handful of cities that Gary
Pinkel hasn’t gotten a DUI or a divorce in.
Rocky Mountain
Parlay of the Week:
COLORADO -17
@ umASS- I nominated Peyton Manning as businessman of the year when he opened a
shit ton of Kentucky-based dough factory pizza chains just before the state
legalized the kind bud. Those who schmoke the weeds to escape life tend to
gorge themselves on that kind of pig slop. Pure genius…
COLORADO ST
+10½ @ Boise St- I remember the daze of people being amazed that a tiny second
rate school in potatoland had the nerve to be different and color their turf a
bright blue… Nowadays, schools with fine traditions, Notre Dame, I’m looking in
your general direction, hire some meth head ad agency to puke out some
alternate uniforms that are designed to pick the pockets of their glorious Dirt
Road Alumni…
The Pelican
State Parlay:
LA-LAFAYETTE
-14 vs La Tech- Seems like there’s been a lot of attention being given to
certain inbred red necks with staunch political views down in the swamps of
Bayou Plat. But I think Britney Spears has earned her right to expose her
C-section scars & stretch marks to the world… I’m sure her children are
destined to be future drop outs of the Technical College of Ruston…
LA-MONROE
-14 vs Idaho- Last weekend, the Vandal football team became yet another group
of hopeful tourists to venture down into Florida, simply looking for a little
adventure, beautiful weather & some good clean fun. And like the rest of
us, they left disgusted, insulted & declaring they’d never go back… As for
this week’s trip, I weep for their future…
Once
again, I’ve missed my deadline for this goddamn mess, but before we move to Week
2, I’ll gladly address a seemingly simple yet very complicated question posed
by a reader this week: “Who has the shittiest fan base?”This initially stumped me, given that my
heart is filled with hate for most teams and their window-licking, tardbilly
supporters.However, after much
consideration, I’ve narrowed it down to 2 groups in particular.You be the judge:
or
After
more deliberation, I must go with Seminole fans, who gladly represent the worst
part of America’s Wanker: a ghastly mix of millennials who were spawned in the
midst of Boxed Wine and Meth Lust, good ole boys who fondly yearn for Bobb-ah
Bowden and his fake, folksy ways, and well…the rest of your typical combination
of nasally obnoxious yankees, trailer trash, and old farts who constantly reek
of a lethal Epsom salt/menthol cocktail.
Back for an encore, ladies and germs!
5 Star Platinum Pick
Missouri -3.5 @ Toledo: Holy DUI, Batman! Seasoned
Drinker and Driver Gary Pinkel takes his band of kittens to his old stomping
grounds, where a young up and coming coach cut his teeth playing beer pong with
corpulent Ohio coeds, eating horse meat tacos at 2 am, and crashing his
mini-van into the Glass Bowl.Coach Pinkel
might be a slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker; but he will
show no mercy on the Pocket Rockets!Afterwards, delirious Mizzou fans form a new support group: G.A.M.M.
(Gary Against Mad Mothers).
5 Star Picks
Tulane +10 vs. Ga Tech:Call this game the undercard for the
Saints/Falcons game the following day, where tens of thousands of Saints fans
begin their annual trek up I-85 to Atlanta.For those of you who are unfortunate enough to live in the direct path
of this treacherous caravan, the overpowering stench will hit you an hour
before they hit your town. It uncannily reeks of gangrene and beer
diarrhea.Believe me, it’s more accurate
than hurricane tracking.Anyway – back
to the college boys.Assuming Paul
Johnson’s dirty thugs don’t chop block half the Tulane team into the ACL ward,
the Wave keeps it close in its shiny new digs.
Oregon State -10 @ Hawaii:The Crusty Dean of Pac 12 coaches, Mike
Riley, has learned a lot since his 1st stint at OSU, including the
location of every Jack Shack, Steam and Cream, and Rub and Tug in the greater
Corvallis area.And that’s why Take Two
in C-Town will result in happy ending for Mike.He also knows he’ll be able to slice and dice the Flamin Rainbow defense
with the arm of Sean Mannion.Timm-ah
Chang must be rollin’ over in his grave.
4 Star Picks
Notre Dame -3.5 vs. Michigan: If there’s one thing
Brian Kelly does well, it’s sentencing student videographers to death. Or covering
up academic fraud. Or ignoring sexual assaults that lead to suicide. Or playing
Michael Floyd after his 3rd DUI.Brian Kelly – you are a very bad man.At least their overbearing fans will witness the Cheatin’ Irish pummel
their fat, pasty brethren for the last time in a while.
Colorado St +10 @ Boise State: The combination of Jim
McElwain, running back (and Bama castoff) Dee Hart, and Legalized Pot Parties
could propel the Rams to unexplainable highs this year. Um.On the other hand, these ain’t the Buckin’
Broncos of Chris Peterson yore.Or,
Christ, even the daze of Houston Nutt.We’ll call for a nail biter on the Blue Ball Turf.
3 Star Picks (shits
and giggles picks)
Purdue -3.5 vs. C. Michigan:Of all the horrific things I wrote in my Week
1 picks, my interpretation of a “Boilermaker” generated the most hate
mail.So sensitive, those Purdue fans! Anyway, they’d better turn their attention to
their second straight opponent from a directional school in Michigan.In front of a sparse crowd, the Boilers move
to 2-0.Now – back to sitting on your
buddy’s face, Purdue Man!
Fresno St +13 @ Utah: I was told I missed badly on
my Fresno pick from last week, so I’ll give the Valley Dawgs one more chance
for redemption.After getting dry humped
in the Coliseum last week, something tells me they won’t be intimated by the
Utes.I’m not sure what’s happened to
Utah – perhaps it’s the new pre-game meal of green jello and carrots; or
perhaps it’s the inspirational pre-game film: Greatest Moments of the Utah Jazz
in the New Millenium (narrated by Norm MacDonald of course)...
