The Atlanta Fixer's Week Five Prognostications

 

 

WEEK 5

MARYLAND +4½ @ Indiana- A friend of my common-law wife tried to play a prank yesterday, and after it backfired, I spent 2 hours chasing a goddamn chicken in & out of bushes in my neighbors’ yards like Rocky, then I thought the Hoosiers may be in for that kind of day against the Terps…

VANDERBILT +17 @ Kentucky- I’m sitting here writing this week’s picks looking out over a creek that is full of kids splashing and releasing some of that afterschool energy. I have the urge to yell out to all of them that this creek was recently contaminated with coal ash, sewage, gasoline & chicken shit… But HEY, the bartender just brought me a cold beer…

DUKE +7 @ Miami of Flor-duh- Duke announced this week some pretty kool renovation plans to their historic ballyard. Meanwhile, the Hurricane players’ bus #4 broke down on I-95 while making that 45 minute trek to their sterile Dan Marino Herpes-infested rustbox… I miss the Orange Bowl…

CENTRAL MICHIGAN +14½ @ Toledo- I spent part of my week in North Carolina surrounded by mustached men carrying guns and wearing their tight uniforms. And before you get any ideas, the Blue Oyster Bar is in California, and I don’t go out there until November…

CINCINNATI +15½  vs  Ohio St- I applaud any state university who plays their in-state cousins, you’d think the southern states would be more open minded about that kinda stuff… FYI: Tommy the Tubesnake is 2-0 all time vs Oscar Meyer, this will be a saugage party

SOUTHERN CAL -9 vs Oregon St- It was a good thing USC had a bye last week bc it took the team a few days to walk home from Boston after being run the fuck over… If any of you nice Beaver phans hitchhike your way down to LA, be sure to check out Baby Blues near the Santa Monica pier.

BUFFALO -5 vs Miami University- One decent aspect of all this conference swapping is that you get matchups like this… Blue blood middle Ohio trash versus upstate NY gutterballs who’s food chain starts & ends with fried fowl parts.

MIDDLE TENNESSEE +3½ @ Old Dominion- A recent poll exposed some deplorable college football hypocrisy: No one knows what town in Virginia(nor what state) the Monarchs come from. The only reason I know is bc I spent a Summer down at the docks waiting for the fleet to come in…

  

 Push out the jive, bring in the love…