BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 2 aka “Weak of Ass
Games”
Once
again, I’ve missed my deadline for this goddamn mess, but before we move to Week
2, I’ll gladly address a seemingly simple yet very complicated question posed
by a reader this week: “Who has the shittiest fan base?” This initially stumped me, given that my
heart is filled with hate for most teams and their window-licking, tardbilly
supporters. However, after much
consideration, I’ve narrowed it down to 2 groups in particular. You be the judge:
or
After
more deliberation, I must go with Seminole fans, who gladly represent the worst
part of America’s Wanker: a ghastly mix of millennials who were spawned in the
midst of Boxed Wine and Meth Lust, good ole boys who fondly yearn for Bobb-ah
Bowden and his fake, folksy ways, and well…the rest of your typical combination
of nasally obnoxious yankees, trailer trash, and old farts who constantly reek
of a lethal Epsom salt/menthol cocktail.
Back for an encore, ladies and germs!
5 Star Platinum Pick
Missouri -3.5 @ Toledo: Holy DUI, Batman! Seasoned
Drinker and Driver Gary Pinkel takes his band of kittens to his old stomping
grounds, where a young up and coming coach cut his teeth playing beer pong with
corpulent Ohio coeds, eating horse meat tacos at 2 am, and crashing his
mini-van into the Glass Bowl. Coach Pinkel
might be a slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker; but he will
show no mercy on the Pocket Rockets!
Afterwards, delirious Mizzou fans form a new support group: G.A.M.M.
(Gary Against Mad Mothers).
5 Star Picks
Tulane +10 vs. Ga Tech: Call this game the undercard for the
Saints/Falcons game the following day, where tens of thousands of Saints fans
begin their annual trek up I-85 to Atlanta.
For those of you who are unfortunate enough to live in the direct path
of this treacherous caravan, the overpowering stench will hit you an hour
before they hit your town. It uncannily reeks of gangrene and beer
diarrhea. Believe me, it’s more accurate
than hurricane tracking. Anyway – back
to the college boys. Assuming Paul
Johnson’s dirty thugs don’t chop block half the Tulane team into the ACL ward,
the Wave keeps it close in its shiny new digs.
Oregon State -10 @ Hawaii: The Crusty Dean of Pac 12 coaches, Mike
Riley, has learned a lot since his 1st stint at OSU, including the
location of every Jack Shack, Steam and Cream, and Rub and Tug in the greater
Corvallis area. And that’s why Take Two
in C-Town will result in happy ending for Mike.
He also knows he’ll be able to slice and dice the Flamin Rainbow defense
with the arm of Sean Mannion. Timm-ah
Chang must be rollin’ over in his grave.
4 Star Picks
Notre Dame -3.5 vs. Michigan: If there’s one thing
Brian Kelly does well, it’s sentencing student videographers to death. Or covering
up academic fraud. Or ignoring sexual assaults that lead to suicide. Or playing
Michael Floyd after his 3rd DUI.
Brian Kelly – you are a very bad man.
At least their overbearing fans will witness the Cheatin’ Irish pummel
their fat, pasty brethren for the last time in a while.
Colorado St +10 @ Boise State: The combination of Jim
McElwain, running back (and Bama castoff) Dee Hart, and Legalized Pot Parties
could propel the Rams to unexplainable highs this year. Um. On the other hand, these ain’t the Buckin’
Broncos of Chris Peterson yore. Or,
Christ, even the daze of Houston Nutt.
We’ll call for a nail biter on the Blue Ball Turf.
3 Star Picks (shits
and giggles picks)
Purdue -3.5 vs. C. Michigan: Of all the horrific things I wrote in my Week
1 picks, my interpretation of a “Boilermaker” generated the most hate
mail. So sensitive, those Purdue fans! Anyway, they’d better turn their attention to
their second straight opponent from a directional school in Michigan. In front of a sparse crowd, the Boilers move
to 2-0. Now – back to sitting on your
buddy’s face, Purdue Man!
Fresno St +13 @ Utah: I was told I missed badly on
my Fresno pick from last week, so I’ll give the Valley Dawgs one more chance
for redemption. After getting dry humped
in the Coliseum last week, something tells me they won’t be intimated by the
Utes. I’m not sure what’s happened to
Utah – perhaps it’s the new pre-game meal of green jello and carrots; or
perhaps it’s the inspirational pre-game film: Greatest Moments of the Utah Jazz
in the New Millenium (narrated by Norm MacDonald of course)...
Ok
For Now…..
BC
Gonzo
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