Week 3 aka “Weak of Open Palm Slams”
Sigh... Week 3 brings us another lot full of dreadful, cupcake, one-sided blowout games, where the outcomes will resemble the right side of Janay Rice’s face after getting lippy with Ray-Ray. I’d frankly rather watch Chris Brown pontificating on the ills of using your girlfriend as a sparring partner or Jay Paterno’s keynote speech on institutional integrity than tune in to the majority of this week’s Ass-Games. In any case, Let’s Get Down To Business…
Yeah... I'm that guy, bitches...
5 Star Platinum Pick
Louisville -6.5 @ Virginia: Speaking of bastions of integrity, Bobby Petrino brings his raunchy brand of ball to Charlottesville (aka, “Rape Country”) to face Dead Man Walking, Mike “Last Train To” London, who is about as comfortable in the head coaching role as Roger Goodell at a National Coalition Against Domestic Violence group therapy session. I’ll call for the Cards to roll by at least 2 TDs…
5 Star Picks
Texas Tech -1 vs. Arkansas: Koach Kliff Kingsbury defines what it means to be an enema nozzle – meaning a mouthy 30-something Gen X-er who wears his hat backwards, shades on indoors, still sports Affliction shirts in public and refers to everyone as “Bro” (or “Bra” when he’s wasted). The only difference in him and a random, insolent Water-Head in a trendy Buckhead flip-flop bar is that he’s coaching and not lying about some fake job in an upscale Atlanta law firm. This week, he’ll surely run it up against the Hapless Hawgs and their Model-T offense.
Arizona St -15 @ Colorado: Like Kliff and Bobby P, Todd Graham is yet another example (Exhibit 189-A to be exact) of why no one should ever look up to a football coach as a moral compass. Coaches aren’t very good people. The majority are Treacherous. To his credit though, he’s kept many an elegy-to-be burned manufacturer in business in every one of his many previous stops. But no amount of Colorado Purple Kush will soothe the Buffaloes’ pain after Graham’s Desert Devils run rough shod.
4 Star Picks
Penn State -3 @ Rutgers: It would be way too easy to continue my evil coach theme here, wouldn’t it? But what is the lesser of two evils in this case – the place that protected a Pedor-Ass for 20 years or the place that spawned a would-be Wife and Christ Puncher? Oh well, at least PSU hired Moral Avenging James Franklin, who will certainly tell you that he didn’t, in fact, cover up a rape case at Vandy: http://deadspin.com/report-james-franklin-contacted-rape-victim-in-vanderb-1569639738 Greg Schiano must be rollin’ over in his grave…
Southern Piss +48 @ Alabama: I’d make fun of the Southern Piss coach, but I honestly lose track of them these daze. I mean, the Eagles cycle through more head coaches than Mike Vick goes through refills of Valtrex prescriptions. Unfortunately for USM, they’ll be the sacrifice at the altar of Brian Dennehy Stadium this week, but I’ll take the points, as $aban doesn’t run up the score.
3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)
Maryland -3 vs. W. Virginia: This rivalry has been simmering nasty since the 80’s, when former Terp coach Bobby Ross referred to WVU fans as, “six-fingered cannibals who don’t deserve to share our border”. Mountaineer fans responded by burning garbage. Anyhaught, this week’s Terrapin Station features their most abortionistic uniform yet: http://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/09/under-armours-new-maryland-uniforms-are-incredibly-patriotic At least use the “Naked Gun” version of our crappy anthem….
NC State -1.5 @ S. Florida: My friend Wayne Langley recently told me the latest teen drug scourge to hit the armpit of the Tampa/St. Pete area was called “Melon Dusting”, which is the practice of huffing keyboard cleaner whilst masturbating to old photos of Gallagher - Tampa’s own fruit-smashing buffoon. I’d do the same if I had watch the Bulls every week. Wolf Pack rubs one out in the bowels of Raymond James Stadium.
OK For Now….
BC Gonzo
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