WEEK SEVEN
I wanted to
stick with the Road Favorites this week since they kicked so much ass for me
back in Week Six… I got into a conversation the other night that quickly turned
into a heated argument about who are the best non-athlete alumni from certain
schools; are they actors? Scientists? Inventors? Anyways, after removing my
foot from a friend’s ass in triumph, I decided to dedicate this week’s prognostications to
looking at some of the more interesting graduates of this week’s selections.
MARSHALL -6 @
Florida Atlantic- The team of Soupy Sales, the guy who announces Wheel of
Fortune, & character actor Conchata Ferrell beats Carrot Top, porn star Mary
Carey & the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional…
TCU -20 @
Iowa St- The Horny Toads actually have better fictional alumni than in real
life: Rev. Lovejoy, The Professor from “Gilligan’s Island”, and plastic faced
Meg Ryan’s character in “Courage Under Fire”; they beat Russell Stover, a girl
on MTV’s “The Real World” & a couple of college wrestlers turned MMA
jabronis…
NEVADA -6½ @
Wyoming- I only need to give you one each from these schools: Washoe, the first
chimpanzee to learn sign language while living in a cage in Reno. She throws
her shit at Cowboy alumnus Dick Cheney…
NORTHERN
ILLINOIS -15½ @ Miami University- Another no-brainer: Dan Castellaneta, DOH!,
along with former Smashing Pumpkins’ drummer Jimmy Chamberlin, & Matt
Walsh(Google him & you’ll recognize his work), they trample one-term
president Benjamin Harrison, Ginger from “Gilligan’s Island”, & Brian
Niccol, the head Marketing Jagoff for Taco Bell & KFC…
AIR FORCE Even
@ Colorado St- This is a close one… Since I saw a band named Astronauts, Etc.
this week, I’ll just throw out any space keydet from the USAF over the Rams’
notables like actor John Amos, the CEO of New Belgium Brewery & some Korean
engineer who claims to have the highest IQ ever…
ARIZONA -8 @
Colorado- So The Wildcats have the original Kyle Reese from “The Terminator”,
who also kicks ass in “Aliens”, plus John Hughes(RIP), Don Knotts(also RIP),
& Linda Ronstadt(for all you 50yr old dads out there). The Buffs have both “South
Park” guys, which is strong, plus Robert Redford & Joan Van Ark(warning, do
NOT google any recent pics of her)…
BOISE ST -9½
@ Utah St- Hailing from the Land of Spuds are director Michael Hoffman, actor
Earl Boen(the bald doctor in the first 2 Terminator movies), & the experimental
musician of Youth Lagoon, Trevor Powers. One impressive alumnus of Utah State
is Nolan Bushnell, who founded Atari AND opened the first Chucky Cheese. No
word if he ever sued The Simpsons based on Wally Weasel…
FLORIDA +9½ @
LSWho?- So I was pretty blown away at the long list of Gators who inhabit our
planet and breathe our air, including Faye Dunaway, Jedd Clampett, Bob Vila, Milton
from “Office Space” & Mel Tillis… From Baton Rouge, we have movie critic
Rex Reed, Ruth Fertel, who founded a chain of overpriced steakhouses, as well
as most of the musicians in Better Than Ezra & Cowboy Mouth… meh…
NEBRASKA +2 @
Minnesota- This one was a no contest: Husker alumni feature Johnny Carson, General
John J. Pershing, and TV Dinner creator Gerry Thomas… On the flip side, the
Gophers claim Bob Dylan, the most overrated musician in history, and Loni
Anderson, the most overrated pin cushion in history…
NORTHWESTERN
+2 vs Iowa- I took the Mildcats based on people like Stephen Colbert &
Jerry Springer cancelling themselves out, then throwing in Robert Reed(dad in
Brady Bunch) & Paul Lynde. That’s strong! Then compare those guys to the
Hawkeyes modest lineup of Willy Wonka, Tom Arnold & Al Jarreau… falling asleep…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Selah…
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