The Fixer's Week One Prognostications

It’s Labor Day weekend and I’m in midseason form… I spent the Summer traveling across the country & across the pond to the land of olives and grapes. I broke into a bunch of college football stadiums as well as Italian soccer cathedrals(see backgrounds each week, thanks to no one in Tucson who caught me)... Now it's time to get to work.. or play...

I love watching football in the Fall… Other than that, the rest is pure garbage… I don’t update my Heisman Watch List mainly because I don’t have a list like that. I don’t watch Saturday morning Clown Shows who overanalyze every aspect of a game… I don’t care to stalk high school boys on the Internet, begging them on Twitter to pick the school I like best. I don’t go to Spring Games with 60,000 nut jobs and complain that our coaches don’t run good plays. I don’t take off of work on Signing Day and sit in a sports bar with my lap top high-fiving my friends when my school gets a goddamn fax. I don’t read insufferable “journalists” who make “bold predictions” while picking 7 choosing who they think are the best teams, then pulling out their “I Told You So” recycled piece every year when one of their 2,000 predictions actually comes true… 

Where’s the aspirin???

FLORIDA -37 vs New Mexico St- If Global Warming is a hoax, then why are people in Calgary now buying up used jorts from Gator phans? I’ve been to the Swamp in September, and even when UF students piss in cups and dump it onto fans in the lower levels, it’s not refreshing.

OLD DOMINION -4½ @ Eastern Michigan- Are the Hurons still doing that dumb breaking down of a wall bit?

PENN ST -7 @ Temple- The last time the Owls sold out a home game, the year was 2007. Marion Jones was a legitimate Olympian, people were still reading Harry Potter, & Robert Goulet was in the last month of his life… And the team that shit-stomped the Owls that day… Penn St…

ARIZONA ST +3½ vs Texas A&M- One fan base used to be good at building bonfires, the other loves doing keg stands and pissing on fires… That’s about it…

MISSISSIPPI ST -21 @ Southern Miss- What Bulldog fans can look forward to while driving the 3 hours to Hattiesburg: The White Castle Lounge near Macon serves luke-warm Miller Lite & the All-You-Need General Store in Sandersville that still has shared bathrooms for people & cows…

ILLINOIS -14 vs Kent St- No coach, no problem…

LA-LAFAYETTE +17 @ Kentucky- Words of advice to all our Cajun brethren making the trip to Lexington this weekend: Don’t talk basketball with those inbred hillbillies up there, even if you’re as good looking as Clooney, they’ll turn into vampires and come at you like “From Dusk Til Dawn”.

FLORIDA ATLANTIC +7 @ Tulsa- Nothing like being a Golden Shower fan and having this pillow fight as your opener. 

Selah...

2015 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 1

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 1 aka “Weak of Tradition of Heritage”

Well…yes…So here I go - Year 12 of the BC Gonzo Pix of the Week.  For those of you that think I’ve gotten lazier over the past few years, you are probably right….I completely whiffed on my deadlines 2 times last year and went AWOL for the bowl season. Such is the product of a being a surly, lazy drunk with a heart filled with hate and too much time on his hands.  However, I can’t hold a candle to today’s unfortunate culture of shitty, Treacherous college football writers (see the Dodds, Wolkens, Hayes, Fordes of the world..), who are more consumed with spewing their high-horsed opinions than providing substance or dealing in facts.  If you see any of these journalists at any of your team’s games (and let's face it, they're pretty easy to spot; they don't stray far from free food, reek of last night’s cheap gin, wear god-awful clothes - particularly the shoes - have horrific hair and that kind of “mug me” look about them), box their ears for me and tell 'em to behave. 

Before we get into our Week 1 treachery, the Atlanta Fixer and I would like to thank our fine sponsors from HandzOff Fast Acting Anti-Masturbatory Gum: “Instant Relief Lasting Up to 6 Hours!” 

 

Let’s Get Down to Business…

 

    It was an eventful off-season for Gonzo and Family...

 

5 Star Platinum Pick

Marshall – 7.5 vs. Purdue: Doc Holliday might not have the charisma of Val Kilmer’s herpes-infested Doc Holliday character in Tombstone, but he has enough Savoir-Faire to convince inner-city kids from S. Florida to come to the Cultural Wonderland that is West Virginia. That and bags of cash... These gang-bangin’ boyz from Huntington will obliterate the Hapless Boilers on Sunday.    

5 Star Picks

UL Lafayette +17 @ Kentucky Cal:  Mark Stoops is the stunted, window-licking brother of the tarded-up Stoops Sibling Trio. Fortunately for him, UK football is a blip on the radar of Wildcat Fandom hobbies – ranking behind the likes of imaginary conversations with a 1995 era Rick Pitino and trying to get a whiff of horribly-aged Ashley Judd’s underarm sweat at Rupp Arena. Gonzo’s Cajuns will keep this one close in the Blue Grass.

BYU +7 @ Nebraska: In Children of the Corn, Isaac informs his flock that He Who Walks Behind The Rows did say, "I will send outlanders amongst you.” I assume he was talking about the Mormons invading Lincoln this weekend. Methinks that Mormons are the only church creepier than Stephen King’s Demon Child Congregation. Don’t be surprised if Bronco’s Boys pull off the upset.  Dave Rimington must be rollin’ over in his steroid-filled grave…  

4 Star Picks

 

Arizona State +3.5 vs. Texas A&M: In Ted 2, the lovable Teddy Bear asks an ASU grad if it’s called “Arizona State or just HPVU”? That was about the only humorous bit in a movie that was overall about as funny as beer diarrhea in a space suit. Speaking of bad smells, the sewer city of Houston will be chocked full of disappointed Aggies after this pseudo-upset.       

Louisville +10.5 vs. Awbern: Labor Day weekend in Atlanta is always a Treacherous Fuck All, what with the annual Dragon Con festival and the Black Homer-Sexual Pride Parade. This year’s influx of AllBarn fans making the short trek from West Georgia will surely make it a Shit Show for the ages. Look for Ricky Bobby and the Cards to keep it close in the Dome. 

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Virginia +19.5 @ UCLA: Once again, Mike London is a dead man walking at UVA, and his Hoos will be making a miserable cross country trip from Rape Country. However, the Cavs will keep it respectable, as the Bruins will suffer growing pains with their true freshman QB, Josh Rosenpenis. Or is it Josh Rosenrosen, or just Josh Rosen?

Northwestern +12 vs. Stanford: There’s no truth to the rumor that Pat Fitzgerald enlisted the help of Republican hopeful/Water-Head Scott Walker to bust the players’ unionizing attempts.  But at least the Evanston brainiacs can focus on football and keeping it respectable against the Leftists from Palo Alto.

Ok For Now…..

BC Gonzo

GonzoFixer 2015 Debut Coming Friday!!!

2014 Season Wrap Up

Here are a couple of interesting charts:


Shows difference between where they started in preseason poll 
& where they finished in the final poll:

1	Ohio St.	+4
2	Oregon	+1
3	TCU	+32
4	Alabama	-2
5	Michigan St.	+3
5	Florida St.	-4
7	Baylor	+3
8	Georgia Tech	NA
9	Georgia	+3
10	UCLA	-3
11	Mississippi St	+25
12	Arizona St.	+7
13	Wisconsin	+1
14	Missouri	+10
15	Clemson	+1
16	Boise St.	+25
17	Mississippi	+1
18	Kansas St.	+2
19	Arizona	NA
20	USC	-5
21	Utah	NA
22	Auburn	-16
23	Marshall	+9
24	Louisville	+7
25	Memphis	NA

-NA means they didn't get any votes in the preseason poll

Shows how they finished based on preseason poll:

1	Florida St.	-4
2	Alabama	-2
3	Oregon	+1
4	Oklahoma	NA
5	Ohio St.	+4
6	Auburn	-16
7	UCLA	-3
8	Michigan St.	+3
9	South Carolina	NA
10	Baylor	+3
11	Stanford	NA
12	Georgia	+3
13	LSU	NA
14	Wisconsin	+1
15	USC	-5
16	Clemson	+1
17	Notre Dame	NA
18	Mississippi	+1
19	Arizona St.	+7
20	Kansas St.	+2
21	Texas A&M	NA
22	Nebraska	NA
23	N. Carolina	NA
24	Missouri	+10
25	Washington	NA

-NA means they finished the season unranked

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 15 Plays

WEEK 15

OKLAHOMA ST +21 @ Oklahoma- For some reason, the Pokes want to call this a rivalry. But they’ve lost 83 of the 108 games and have been outscored by 1,200 points. OU calls Texas their rival, and consider the peeps in Stillwater their inbred cousins… which is oddly, pretty factual…

NORTHERN ILLINOIS -6½ vs Bowling Green- The winner of this game has their choice of bowling in either Mobile, Montgomery or Boise. So there’s a lot at stake. Imagine being able to drink underage and buy Ectasy on Dauphin Street, or darting to The Alley for a luke-warm draft while your car is repeatedly broken into. Or dealing with sub-freezing temps while watching a game on an oddly colored surface that give you seizures… MACTION!!!

TEMPLE -3 @ Tulane- I was in New Orleans most of this week, and not one time did I hear anyone mention the Green Wave. In fact, only a couple of people even knew that they have a new on campus stadium. But I was talking to afternoon drunks in seedy uptown dive bars at 3pm in the afternoon… Well, wherever they play, they’ll get smeared by the Owls. Give a Hoot, read a book!

SMU +12 @ UConn- The Mustangs have a new coach but have to finish out the season freezing their balls off in Stoors playing a team that will need a new coach eventually. You’ll be able to count the people in the stadium with a toddler’s abacus made of gum drops…

CINCINNATI -7 vs Houston- This is the Bearcats program: Play the majority of your games during the week in a larger stadium than yours but yet you can’t even think about filling it, while your sketchy coach plots his next move. Oh, and your students chant White Stripes’ songs nonstop…


Selah...

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 14 Picks

WEEK 14

FLORIDA ST -7½ vs Florida- Winner gets full length jeans and can retire their jorts, the loser retires to their trailer for some typical panhandle/middle Flor-Duh hijinx…

BYU +4 @ California- Winner can enforce their own values on the other, making for a cultural disaster

NORTH TEXAS +5 @ UTSA- Winner won’t have to play in College Station ever again, not bc of the team but bc that place is eerie and full of strange cultish people

UAB -3 @ Southern Miss- Loser has to pick up trash along I-59, full of bottles of piss, diapers & drunken uncles…

LOUISVILLE -13 vs Kentucky- Loser has to drink Tennessee whiskey for the next year…

MIDDLE TENNESSEE +4 @ UTEP- Winner can play in a bowl game in Louisiana, so maybe neither team will try hard…

VANDERBILT +17 vs Tennessee- If the Vols win, they get a bowl game, if they lose, they can watch bleached blonde jerkoffs on The Food Network

NEVADA -9 @ UNLV- The winners gets silver jock straps, losers have to play Caribbean poker in smoky casinos with red necks from Oklahoma…

Selah...

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK 13 Picks

WEEK 13

SOUTH ALABAMA +25½ @ South Carolina- I was a young lad growing up in Mobile when my parents tried to get me to be an alien in the film “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, but Steven Speilberg wanted to sleep with my mom…

FRESNO ST +8 @ Nevada- The last time I was skiing we were in Tahoe, and tried to recreate “Hot Dog: The Movie” by sleeping with some ski bunny… Instead I dislocated my elbow and ended up in a hot tub with some dude named Stan…

GEORGIA STATE +40 @ Clemson- GSU wants to buy Turner Field once the Braves and their racist fans flee to the white-as-rice suburbs of Cobb County. Good luck selling $8 bags of peanuts and finding people with the proper temperament to toss people out of the Chop House…

FLORIDA ATLANTIC +7 @ Middle Tennessee- I bought a $95 tie at a boutique in Boca Raton in a jam before a big meeting. The botox-faced harlot turned her nose up in the air as if I had just farted… Well, I had…

TULANE +19 @ East Carolina- My fondest memory of the Greenville metropolis was reading the newspaper and seeing that Five Guys was just voted “Best Burger in Town”…

SOUTH FLORIDA +18½ @ Memphis- Before Gonzo & I burned down Fayetteville & Ft Smith a few weeks ago, we stopped off in Mud City to watch trashy 18yr old kids vomit on Beale Street after drinking GBH Margaritas

MARYLAND +5 @ Michigan- I’ve always liked turtles, but my psychiatrist told me that some of my biggest issues have to deal with being terrorized by Testudo at the 1977 Hall of Fame Bowl…

PENN ST -6 @ Illinois- If I see one more f-ing commercial with talking babies I’m gonna climb to the top of the tallest building with a rifle and shoot myself… So shut up Tim Brewster, you’re a shitty fucking coach for a shitty fucking school with no hope of ever being halfway decent…

CALIFORNIA + 5½ vs Stanford- The Golden Bears have lost 4 straight in The Big Game, but the big news on campus is the new soda tax that should help combat the rise in diabetes among Asian & Indian exchange students, we’ve all but given up on all the stagnant doughboy Americans… I just invested in leg amputation devices… ‘Merica!!!

OREGON ST +7 @ Washington- With the house-cleaning that the Huskies’ new coach is doing, we can only expect the same kind of blood lines to pop up down the coast in Los Angeles… Anyone who can get to a UDub game regardless of the team’s standing, I suggest you hit it, the new stadium is awe-inspiring…

UTSA +9½ @ Western Kentucky- Roadrunner coach Larry Coker invited the fathers of all his players to make the trip up to Bowling Green so they’d be able to tour the Corvette factory,  gearing them up for their midlife crisis likely to hit them in the face in about 7 years…

SOUTHERN CAL +3½ @ UCLA- National hack sports writers have little use for Cody Kessler, he plays for a boring team who has a shitty defense and he has put up consistent  numbers, good enough to get consideration for awards. But he doesn’t steal, or drive drunk, or beat up his girlfriend, so no one wants to tell us more about a good kid with good skills… 

Selah...

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 13

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Lucky Week 13 aka “Weak of Parklife”

It’s actually nice to be back in ‘Merica after spending the last 5 days in London drinking flat beer, ogling fat-bottomed girls, trying to understand the infatuation with the word lovely, and getting adopted by some local Brits to join their Tuesday Evening Trivia team on “quiz night” and subsequently getting drunkenly lectured by them on what the U.S. should do about The Ferguson Situation. I asked them to mind their Falkland Island Situation and to mind their gap, of course. In any case, we did have a cool trivia team name: “Quiz in Your Face”. Hey – that’s not my bit; it’s that patented British Wit. I can’t keep up with that stuff. But to hell with this gibberish, let’s carry on with this week’s shitty slate of games.  

 

   College football is a dog-eat-dog world...

5 Star Platinum Pick

 

Tennessee -3.5 vs. Mizzou: Being a UT fan is like anal sex in the Volunteer State. Chances are if you were forced to succumb to it as a kid, you’ll hate it as an adult. At least they’ll get to witness a bowl for the first time since Barrack wasn’t gray-haired after whipping the Drunken Pinkels.     

5 Star Picks

Penn St -6.5 @ Illinois: I understand the Nittany Lions will be staying at the Hyatt Place – a brand spanking new hotel in Champaign, where the “turn down service", at least for this weekend with Penn St coaches in town, means the bell boys are not interested. The ever-sketchy James Franklin puts the final nail in Tim Beckman’s coffin in Champaign Supernova.  

UCLA -3.5 vs. USC: This week, USC announced cornerback Josh Shaw will return from suspension. I still can’t believe the media fell for his story about his jumping in a swimming pool and saving his nephew from drowning. Everyone knows that black people prefer to swim in ponds or lakes….  

4 Star Picks

La Lafayette -10 vs. Appalachian State: People have always wondered about my infatuation with the Rajun Cajuns. It’s kind of like the unconditional love I have for my UPS driver – he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it. And he’s always on time! Look for the Gonzo Cajuns to curb stomp the Hillbillies.                    

Mississippi -3.5 @ Arkansas: I don’t buy into any of the rumors of the buck-toothed Hugh Freeze (aka, the Human Rake) being a candidate for the Flore-duh job, as he’s too much of a Southern-twanged, Bible-thumping rube for the transplant Yankee fan base. On the other hand, he is accustomed to a fan base full of band wagon jumpers and unbearable pricks. Black Bears win by double digits.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Northwestern +1 @ Purdue: I had to spend 3 days of Community Service last month in Evanston due to an… "unfortunate incident" I had there 2 years ago. I did walk the campus though, and I’m not saying there are a lot of Asian students there, but when I inquired about a Dog Wok service, they referred me to the local Hibachi joint….

Notre Dame -3 vs. Louisville: I often wonder what it’s like being a giraffe with strep throat. Then it becomes clear when I picture what it must be like to be an Irish fan the past few weeks. At least the student-murdering Brian Kelly gets the Irish Virgins back on track this week.

OK For Now,
BC Gonzo

2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 12

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 12 aka “Weak of The Dirty White Boy”

 

    Will the Bulldogs get tripped up in Brian Dennehy Stadium?

 

5 Star Platinum Pick

 

Ohio St -13 @ Minnesota: Urban Crier and Jerry Kill have a simmering hate-on for each other, stemming from a few years ago when, after Kill had yet another in-game epileptic seizure, Urban told him he was selfish and the only person possibly more self-destructive was an epileptic leper. I don’t see Kill and the Gophers “shaking” off last week’s hangover, and I look for the Buckeye passing game to give them “fits”.  

5 Star Picks

Georgia -2.5 vs. Awbern: I’m not sure what will be ugliest site in Athens this Saturday: all the trash left on campus by classy Dawg fans, Gus Malzone’s sweater vest, Uga IX’s Varsity chili dog-induced diarrhea, or Mark Richt’s desperate attempt to save his butt-cut. What I am sure of, though, is that Karma is back and will be kicking the Gus Bus in the nuts for the rest of the year.             

Florida $tate -2.5 @ Miami: Among the shocking allegations that were secretly released in NCAA documents last week: some Hurricane players allegedly received the benefit of getting to leave Miami forever; and all deals had to take place under the table, as most players from “The U” don’t understand how tables work. In any case, Jameis and Gang get a nice break from Rape Country and level the Canes in N. Havana.  

4 Star Picks

Miss. State +10 @ Bama: After spending most of the season on the road, Bama fans are ecstatic to be back in friendly confines of the dank bowels of Brian-Dennehy. They’ll get more than they bargained for on Saturday though, as Clown Coach Dan Mullens has apparently loaned his over-sized Clown Shoes to Bert Bielema this year. Dak and Dan keep it Klose in Kiffin’s Krimson Korner.                   

La Monroe +7 vs. La Lafayette: It was announced this week that the First Family of White Trash in Amerika - yes, Louisiana’s own Duck Dynasty Klan - announced they are planning a musical in Las Vegas next year. I’d rather watch this horrific battle of hyphenated Pelican State schools followed by endless reruns of “Homeboys in Outer Space” episodes Clockwork Orange-style than to witness that abortion. ULM plays a close one against Gonzo’s Cajuns.        

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

LSWho??? +1 @ Arkansas: After losing 17 straight SEC games, the pleasantly plump people of Arkansas haven’t been this embarrassed since state treasure Johnny Cash allowed Everlast to remake “Folsom Prison Blues” in true Jump Around fashion. Their misery continues this week with another home loss to the Tigers. Glen Campbell must be forgetting to roll over in his grave… 

Iowa -3.5 @ Illinois: So which school do you hate more? Iowa, who gave the world Ashton Kutcher and Tom Arnold. Or Illinois, who presented the world with Jack Welch and Hugh Hefner? Exactly! Those lousy bastard Illini…. Hawkeyes roll in Champagne Supernova…. 

OK For Now,
BC Gonzo

The Atlanta Fixer's Week of The Dozen Plays

WEEK OF THE DOZEN

SUTHERN CALLEFORNEEIA -14 vs Calleforneeia- In true Ahnold speak, we have an additional 12 syllables added to this pillow fight. And like Ahnold, the Coliseum is old, smelly, and in need of lots of cosmetic repairs…

SOUTHERN PISS +8½ @ Texas San Antonio- It’s scary to think that none of the players in this game were even born back when they filmed Cloak & Dagger in & around the Riverwalk… Little Elliot must be rolling over in his grave…

BOYSSAY ST -14 vs San Diego St- Okay, we get it, the blue turf was cute and semi-interesting when you first came to the adults’ table. I’m tired of hearing about all the goddamn birds whop die thinking it’s a lake… Blah blah blah…

FLOR-DUH ST -2 @ Miami of Flor-duh- There are a million other things I would rather do than root for either team, and come to think of it, I’d rather watch the Paint Drying Channel than see one second of this game. F$U has shown their colors…

 ALL-Barn +2½ @ Jaw-Juh- I remember back to the days when both of these college towns were full of cool people, musicians & free love. Now, you’ll get arrested for public intox walking down the street(instead of drunk driving) while the campus Christ-Punchers block you from enjoying a beer in the local dive… ‘Merica!

JAW-JUH Suthurn +3 @ Navy- There’s a reason the Allman Brothers finally called it quits: Having to play Statesboro Blues 37,000 times kills your soul, and so does living in that town.

EUTAW ST -17 vs New Mexico- I think Will Ferrel’s SNL cheerleader character is now the QB of the Ags, which won’t matter since Los Lobos play defense like old people fuck…

MARYLAND +12½ vs Meechigan St- I had a crazy aunt who got confused one Xmas and sent everyone crab cakes instead of fruit cakes… You can imagine where I’m going with this… My Uncle still thinks those cherries were a little too ripe…

MIDDLE TENNESSEE -5 @ Flor-duh Internationale- My only time in Murphreesboro( I don’t even care if I misspelled it) was spent sitting in a Logan’s Roadhouse watching my ex-girlfriend wait tables and sell LSD to her teachers… Ft Lauderdale may be chilly this weekend…  

MIDDLE MEECHIGAN -15 vs Miami Oh Yeah- I’m very afraid of the ugly uniform factor in this game. I’m also afraid of seahorses, the color brown & the movie “Burlesque”…

NOTRA DOM -17 vs Northwestern- The vile Northern Indiana folk are still seething after losing the College Football Hall of Fame to Atlanta this Summer. Any place that purposely makes it hard for you to buy booze deserves that and more…

TENNESSEE -7 vs Kentucky- The Battle of the Bourbons will go to Jack Daniels & George Dickel. You can keep pouring Kentucky Gentleman & Old Crow & Early Times, hillbillies…

TEJAS ST +5 @ Lower Alabama- City & county leaders in Mobile are arguing about what to name a new bridge that they don’t have the money to pay for… Meanwhile, Dennis Franchitti returns to the state that was even too backwards for him & his weird family to breathe air in..

Selah...