WEEK 13
SOUTH
ALABAMA +25½ @ South Carolina- I was a young lad growing up in Mobile when my
parents tried to get me to be an alien in the film “Close Encounters of the
Third Kind”, but Steven Speilberg wanted to sleep with my mom…
FRESNO
ST +8 @ Nevada- The last time I was skiing we were in Tahoe, and tried to
recreate “Hot Dog: The Movie” by sleeping with some ski bunny… Instead I
dislocated my elbow and ended up in a hot tub with some dude named Stan…
GEORGIA
STATE +40 @ Clemson- GSU wants to buy Turner Field once the Braves and their
racist fans flee to the white-as-rice suburbs of Cobb County. Good luck selling
$8 bags of peanuts and finding people with the proper temperament to toss
people out of the Chop House…
FLORIDA
ATLANTIC +7 @ Middle Tennessee- I bought a $95 tie at a boutique in Boca Raton
in a jam before a big meeting. The botox-faced harlot turned her nose up in the
air as if I had just farted… Well, I had…
TULANE
+19 @ East Carolina- My fondest memory of the Greenville metropolis was reading
the newspaper and seeing that Five Guys was just voted “Best Burger in Town”…
SOUTH
FLORIDA +18½ @ Memphis- Before Gonzo & I burned down Fayetteville & Ft
Smith a few weeks ago, we stopped off in Mud City to watch trashy 18yr old kids
vomit on Beale Street after drinking GBH Margaritas
MARYLAND
+5 @ Michigan- I’ve always liked turtles, but my psychiatrist told me that some
of my biggest issues have to deal with being terrorized by Testudo at the 1977
Hall of Fame Bowl…
PENN
ST -6 @ Illinois- If I see one more f-ing commercial with talking babies I’m
gonna climb to the top of the tallest building with a rifle and shoot myself…
So shut up Tim Brewster, you’re a shitty fucking coach for a shitty fucking
school with no hope of ever being halfway decent…
CALIFORNIA
+ 5½ vs Stanford- The Golden Bears have lost 4 straight in The Big Game, but
the big news on campus is the new soda tax that should help combat the rise in
diabetes among Asian & Indian exchange students, we’ve all but given up on
all the stagnant doughboy Americans… I just invested in leg amputation devices…
‘Merica!!!
OREGON
ST +7 @ Washington- With the house-cleaning that the Huskies’ new coach is
doing, we can only expect the same kind of blood lines to pop up down the coast
in Los Angeles… Anyone who can get to a UDub game regardless of the team’s standing,
I suggest you hit it, the new stadium is awe-inspiring…
UTSA
+9½ @ Western Kentucky- Roadrunner coach Larry Coker invited the fathers of all
his players to make the trip up to Bowling Green so they’d be able to tour the
Corvette factory, gearing them up for
their midlife crisis likely to hit them in the face in about 7 years…
SOUTHERN
CAL +3½ @ UCLA- National hack sports writers have little use for Cody Kessler,
he plays for a boring team who has a shitty defense and he has put up
consistent numbers, good enough to get
consideration for awards. But he doesn’t steal, or drive drunk, or beat up his
girlfriend, so no one wants to tell us more about a good kid with good skills…
Selah...
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