The Fixer's Latest Rant... Week 2: Fuck Fan Duel & Draft Kings & Sportsbars...

I’m having a hard time trying to understand why these sham fantasy sports sites like Draft Kings & Fan Duel are gaining popularity. Then I remember who they are marketing to: Mouth-breathing armchair jabronis who are easily susceptible to these companies’ over marketing and promises of instant wealth. Those commercials with bros wearing backwards hats holding up big checks get more bros fired up and signed up. Draft Kings is spending $24 MILLION on ads this Fall… $24 MILLION. And as I write this, there are far more CFB contests listed than NFL, which is really scary… And Yahoo & other "reputable" sites that normally host your weekly fantasy football leagues, are now getting into the mix... Which can only help the situation, right??? 

I used to go to sports bars on Sundays because my favorite NFL team never played on local television where I lived. And it was a fun time... NOW, every table at Buffalo Wild Wings is jammed with laptops & iPads and all these jersey-wearing doofuses are screaming & high-fiving when Fred Davis catches a 10yd pas on 3rd & 31... And we can all thank Fantasy Football for getting Buffalo Wild Wings to the point where they can sponsor bowl games and serve frozen horse patties disguised as a "Screamin' Nacho Burger"... NOTHING on their menu is remotely edible, not even the bleached carrots that come with their shriveled wings. because they don't have to have decent food, because those numb nuts will eat whatever is slopped down in front of them... And this is what we have become... I can finally see the value in DirecTV's NFL package...

"My chiropractor says watching football like this is bad..."

The state of Alabama is currently trying(miserably) to fix a $300 MILLION budget shortfall, but their solutions thus far are increasing fees & cigarette taxes and not holding corporations accountable for unpaid tax loopholes. They’ve thrown around the idea of lotto & casinos, but those are such 1997 ideas. A recent study shows that illegal sports gambling is a $95 BILLION industry. Another report shows that Colorado averages $15 MILLION in tax revenue PER MONTH from marijuana sales… But Alabama is fucking Alabama so you know what’s gonna happen… JACK SHIT… Wouldn’t Ricky Bobby in Saraland, Alabama rather throw $100 on Alabama to cover 35 this weekend LEGALLY instead of loading $100 into this Fan Duel account and staring at his computer(if he knows how one works) and trying to decide if Matt Ryan will perform better than Eli Manning this week? And he could smoke a joint legally at home, and not go get plowed at Earl's Sports N Stuff then drive home and pass out under his trailer... But I digress...

Hat on backwards= Jabroni

I did some looking around, and found that both of these Daily Fantasy companies are not in good standing with the Better Business Bureau, nor do they follow through on their “Matching Deposit” ads that seem to run on every goddamn channel on television. Yes, they are making TONS of money, but it’s at the expense of a bunch of morons who just recovered from sending their savings to some Nigerian Prince after being told they won some lottery they never entered…

I’m just waiting for one of these sites to sign up a player, then watch all-fucking-Hell break loose. Can you imagine if Bruce Miller became a spokesperson for Fan Duel??? First off, who the fuck is Bruce Miller??? He’s a backup running back for the 49ers who only sees the field on special teams. No big deal… Then imagine if Calvin Johnson was a PAID spokesperson for Draft Kings… Someone at the top of everyone’s player list, someone who can DIRECTLY influence the outcome of games, good or bad… Conflict of interest? Would the “League” be worried about new ties to gambling? Would Fan Duel throw MORE money at advertising to counteract their public outcry? I’d talk about how these same factors are already deeply ingrained in our political system, but I have to finish this piece sometime this year…

So the next time you see one of these ads on your TV, which will be the next time you turn your TV on, or see ads pasted all around your computer screen as you see if anyone’s found out you joined ChicksWithDicks.com, do yourself a favor, go kiss your wife, your girlfriend or your boyfriend, and let them know that you’re better than these bros, or brahs, who obsess about sports and waste money looking for a way to beat a system that’s not beatable…

Selah...