BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 14

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 14 aka “Weak of Happy Endings”

It’s that most Treacherous time of the year – where the collective Morbidly Obese American populace gouges its fucking face only to rationalize, “after I eat all this shit through Christmas, I’ll really go on that Parade Magazine fad diet in January”. I guess that’s akin to the battered wife who actually believes her Florida State alum husband will actually stop beating the shit out of her when he finally kicks that meth habit. It’s also that time of year when one has to spend an entire day with extended family members who base their entire self-esteem on the success of their favorite college team and one constantly fights the urge to kick said family member in the nuts without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself….

Anyhaught – last fucking week of the season, eh? After a 4 year hiatus, it was a fun ride giving this GonzoFixer thing a whirl again. I suppose I’ll hang it up after this though. Assuming I don’t have a terminal diagnosis, I’ll probably go back for my Ph.D. – although I have to whip this drinking problem first…..

Gonzo’s Sage Advice for Week 14: Don’t drop your watch in the toilet; otherwise, you’ll have a shitty time.      

 

   Coach Pelini shit-hammered after a win

5 Star Platinum Pick

Rutgers -3 @ UConn: Thank Christ this one-and-done BCS-eligible new conference will be put out of its miserable existence in the next few weeks. First though – there's the matter of the Scarlet Knights whipping the shit out of the Huskies at dreary Renschler Field. Afterwards, local Storrs Wise Guys set the over/under on the number of UConn “women” basketball players that have dick-holes in their underwear….

5 Star Picks

Kansas St -16.5 @ Kansas: Corpulence versus Dementia. Lard versus Senility. Something’s gotta give in this battle of the fattest versus the oldest coach in D1. Charlie Weiss’ new discipline approach apparently hasn’t panned out. That is – every time the Jaybirds turn the ball over the entire team is forced to do pushups whilst watching their head coach gorge on a jelly doughnut. Look for the Purple Kats to put up 50 plus in Lawrence.

Nebraska -2.5 vs. Iowa: This new made for TV Big 10 (11, 12?) “rivalry” has all the tradition and mystique of a Police Academy pre-quel. The winner apparently has bragging rights to…well.. corn. Anyway, Bo Pelini will manage to fend off the demons for another day and send the Hawkeyes back to…well.. lots of corn. Tim Dwight must be rollin’ over in his grave…

4 Star Picks

N. Texas -5 @ Tulsa: Apparently this week, a man was arrested at the local Tulsa Wal-Mart after being caught naked and jerking off in the ladies room. http://gawker.com/woman-publicly-shames-man-caught-masturbating-in-walmar-1472521869 The Atlanta Fixer has denied these charges and will relax at Skelley Stadium watching the Mean Green stomp the Golden Shower.

Tennessee -4 @ Kentucky: This game is now called “The Battle for the Bottom of the Barrel”. The only thing more pathetic than the pedigree of these 2 bottom-feeders is the prevalence rate of cirrhosis of the collective fans bases. However, I’ll forgive anyone with bourbon-pickled brains sitting through this goddamn mess.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Boston College -2 @ Syracuse: With Hypesman contenders falling out of the race left and right, the 4 letter network has injected the BC Gonzo’s tailback into mix. Of course he’s been shredding the same ACC defenses that infamous Jameis has. Which means absolutely nothing. Look for him to do the same to the ‘Cuse. Too bad Boeheim isn’t teaching the zone defense to the football squad.        

Georgia -3 @ Ga Tech: Extremely obese Tony Barnhart and other water heads in the Peach State refer to this game as “Clean, Old Fashioned Hate”. I’m actually OK with that. I hate both teams and their insufferable, whiny ass fan bases. Oh well, at least I won’t have Andy Murray to kick around anymore.

OK For Now…
BC Gonzo