Lucky Week 13 aka “Weak of Death and All Her Friends”
Well, it’s that Treacherous time of year – where the true colors of various fan bases come out in horrific displays. Here are but a few examples of these toilets of fan-dumb.
- Ohio $tate: Is there a more whining, sniveling, “victimized” fan base on the planet? These people have made me stop listening to Sirius sports radio. Talk about a fucking paranoid fan base – what with conspiracy theories of “SEC bias”, ESPN agendas, and “flawed BCS” systems. Christ. I could understand somewhat if you actually beat an SEC team every 20 years. Oh yeah – you’re coach is a slimy asshat. Crawl back to your shitty economy, ugly women, and nasty weather and just enjoy the ride, Suckeyes!
- Florida $tate: Move over Georgia, Ole Piss, and LSU fans. For I have met the rudest, trashiest, classless, inebriated fan base on the planet. F$U fans represent a toxic mix of Florida panhandle white trash, obnoxious Yankee transplants, and stereo-typical gold-chain wearing, Oakley sporting, Croc-donning Florida garbage. If you can stomach it, go to any Nole message board and witness the collective brutal bashing of the poor girl that got raped by their inexperienced quarterback. Fuck you, Tallahassee.
- Tejas: There isn’t a more arrogant, entitled, delusional group of assholes anywhere. These redneck, good ole boys actually still believe they can bring a dump truck of oil, brisket, and cash to Saban, Belicheck, Harbaugh, or the corpse of George Bush and get any of them to come coach in this anal fissure of Northern Mejico. Sorry boys – get ready for Malzahn Ball! The days of Darrel Royal and electrocuting any non-Republican are over. Get used to mediocrity and the realities of being bi-lingual.
Gonzo’s Sage Advice for Week 13: If you ever see blood on your toilet paper, you should shit in the dark for the next 30 days and hope for the best.
I give you: Typical Buckeyes....
5 Star Platinum Pick
Okie State +9.5 vs. Baylor: The apparent rift between 45 year old Mike Gundy and 103 year old Boone Pickens only intensified earlier this week when a still spry Pickens referred to Gundy as “wannabe grown-ass man with a blowout Guido fucking haircut”. Nonetheless, I look for the Pokes to win outright against the Branch Davidians. At least, with this OSU victory, it’ll give the Buckeye fans one less fucking thing to bitch about…
5 Star Picks
Wyoming -6 vs. Hawaii: The Powers That Be at Hawaii should have realized a long time ago that Norm Chow jumped the shark around 2002… And that he was dead… The Warriors travel to the highest altitude in D1 only to get their Rainbow Pride trampled in the shit-brown sands of Laramie and remain winless. Afterwards, mainland Hawaii second stringers re-enact Brokeback Mountain scenes in the decrepit Wyoming locker room.
Utah State –10 vs. Colorado State: Ram Coach Jim McElwain learned everything he knows from Nick Saban – including the New York Taco, Donkey Punch, AND the Angry Dolphin. Unfortunately, he’ll need more against the Ags, who are virtually unbeatable at Romney Stadium. Look for Utah (pinching my nose like Fletch) State to win by 2 TDs. By the way, Mitch Romney wouldn’t know college football from his smug ass.
4 Star Picks
Oklahoma +5 @ Kansas St: Speaking of smug assholes, Bob Stoops continues to steal money from OU, along with the rest of his underperforming, nepotistic staff. However, he’ll pull the Jedi Mind Trick on Billy Snyder, who’s so senile he still thinks the FAX machine is phone with a waffle iron attached. (I need to come up with new dementia material… Christ.)
Tennessee -2.5 vs. Vandy: Just a decade ago, the Big Orange Nation was fantasizing over the prospect of a national title, and nowadaze they are fantasizing over the prospects of a trip to Birmingham in the post-season??? Oh well, at least the fantasizing over their sisters continues unabated. Look for Butch Jones to get closer to Bombingham Bowl eligibility with a Signature Win over James Franklin, who actually harbors more rapists on his team than Jimbo Fisher.
3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)
LA Monroe +3.5 @ S. Alabama: The fact that Mardi Gras originated in the Port City is a source of pride for Mobilians. As is the unofficial city slogan: “At Least We’re Not Montgomery”. I know these things - I grew up there. To quote Forrest Gump: "And that’s all I got to say about that”. ULM rolls in Ladd Stadium….
Maryland +1 vs. Boston College: The BC (Gonzo) Eagles have experienced somewhat of a resurgence under lunk head Steve Addazio. However, the lunk head-edness of Randy Watson-Edsall won’t’ prevent the talented Terps from sending BC back to Chestnut Hill with a whimper. Tim Hasselbeck must be rollin’ over in his grave…
OK For Now…
BC Gonzo
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