The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK SEVEN Plays

               
                                                       WEEK SEVEN

 

I swear I thought I woke up in fuckin’ Cleveland this week. The sports situation here in Atlanta is as dark and hopeless as those disgusting fat bodies sitting in their trainers watching The Biggest Loser thinking that they themselves could one day get up off the couch(the term “sofa” cannot be used when talking about trailers), and lose 100lbs. Instead they suck down another coffee cake and plot out their lawsuit against Sara Lee, of whom they think is a real person and I’m getting waaay off topic here… So as the Braves have once again shattered all hopes and dreams of an entire transplanted metro area, I take it especially hard, as my father used to take me to games in the ‘80s when the ushers would laugh when you showed them your stub, “Go sit as close as you’d like” they’d say. And all 700 of us would on a Sunday afternoon against Mike Schmidt, Pete Rose, Steve Garvey, & the rest. It finally came to me on Tuesday morning what it feels like t obe a Braves fan…

 

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom!!!

 

Yes, every April the Braves organization hordes you into their sanctuary with smoke and mirrors and kids games and Dippin’ Dots, like the fire and chilled monkey brains and whoopla of the underground fire pit of Pankot Palace. There, you’re encouraged to chant and moan & groan for hours upon hours while the excitement is built. All season, your eyes get bigger and the strange liquid you think is beer is in actuality some black sleep blood of Kali. You feel invincible, you chant more, you are listening to and obeying every word you hear. That foam tomahawk can’t fail you now! You are part of them, you are committed to giving your life to this group, you would die for them! Then, the leader of this whole shindig walks out, Mola Ram, you are awe inspired by his presence, exactly how Dan Uggla makes you feel. He brings you to the front, and you participate in their version of guessing which cap the baseball card is under while watching that giant Monstros-a-tron screen. It’s playoff time, you are at your apex of excitement & hope, and there is nothing that could possibly ruin this moment… And then Mola Ram jabs his hand into your chest and rips out your heart, and you watch it catch fire as you’re lowered slowly into the fire pit and you’re incinerated in 5 seconds… Too bad Harrison Ford is too old nowadays to swing in on his whip and save you & the rest of certain death, the only time that happened was in 1995… So THAT is what it’s like being a Braves fan… Welcome to Hell

 

 

TEXAS A&M -6’ @ Ole Piss- Heckofa good job talking shit then crossing the border into Alabama and shitting your pants, schools who are used to winning don’t act like that frat boy you see in the seedt Biloxi casinos who just won $100 playing Blackjack and won’t stop talking about that one hand that he hit on 17(like the mouth breather dumb shit he is) and got 21! Then, of course he yells out “WINNING!!!”

 

OKLAHOMA -12’ vs Texas- Each year in early October we’re subjected to the disgusting fried concoctions of the Tejas State Fair And Cholesterol Blaster as well as a thorough thrashing of the Steers by Boomer Sooner. Blah blah blah Mack Borow’s fired… Blah blah blah Stoops earns half his paycheck winning this game each year. Blah blah blah fried Big Macs

 

STANFORD -8 @ Utah- I once flew in an Alaska Airlines crop duster from SFO to SLC bc the lovely folks at Delta forgot to tell me after I bough a tickets to take the ride, that the plane was 20 seats short. So I lived it up in style sipping wine from a box and eating CheezIts while some flight attendant who paddled a canoe to school for 15 years told me how great life is in Juneau…

 

NORTHWESTERN +10’ @ Wisky- Members of the Badger band are still receiving counseling after being taunted by some 400lb steroided NFL good at Lambeau last week. Kids these days are so soft & insecure & introverted. They should have a National Ass Kicking Day, and all these little twerps can know what it feels like to grow up in the ‘70s & ‘80s without cellphones & Facepage & Nickelback. I am officially an old coot…

 

OREGON -13’ @ Washington- Sure the Huskies will be up early as That Four Letter Sports Channel brings their traveling Circus Freakshow to Seattle, and sure they have a really sharp renovated stadium that I once broke into and rubbed my hands on the 1990 National Championship trophy. The point I’m making is that like all new things, at some point, fresh blood will spew across the glimmering concrete floors and reservations to the Las Vegas Bowl will be flowing like wine…

 

MISSISIPPI ST -11 vs Bowling Green- I used to think Bowling Green State University was in Bowling Green, Kentucky, birthplace of the Corvette. I also thought Mississippi State university was in Vietnam, and after attending a game in their “crackerbox stadium, I was still confused bc all the inbred cowbell banging rubes had those “Deliverance Banjo Eyes” you’ll only find in the rice fields of Ngo Dinh Diem.

 

LSWHO? -7 vs Flor-Duh- As you read this early on a Saturday morning, just sit back and realize that there are thousands of smelly drunk southerners fighting & losing control of their bodily functions(either end) in Baton Rouge bc of an oblong pigskin object being tossed around a pasture. ‘MERICA!!!

 

BOISE ST -6 @ Utah St- A diamond in the rough play, the Ags QB controls their offense and without him they are clueless. Methinks HC Peterson has finally realized that this may be his last chance to make the jump to either real grass or at least green turf. FYI: While in Logan, be sure to visit the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers Museum, this week they’re featuring the display “Pat Dye & AIDS Boy Pollack’s Guide of How To Be A Submissive Wife”…

 

 

TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

 

Texas Tech/Iowa St OVER 56- Cliff Dingleberry hates schools who beat him while he played QB

 

LSU/FLA Under 48’- Even the players will be to fucked to score, probably drunk off the burps and farts of the crowd

 

ECU/Tulane Over 54- Meanwhile down the road from Baton Rouge…  Selah...