WEEK NINE
A lot of schools have their Homecoming
festivities this weekend, so I thought I’d celebrate it with everyone as I
delve into the rich history of these storied institutions… This week’s picks
are based purely on who would win in a Death Match between the most famous
& interesting alumni of each school… So here we go…
OKKIE STATE
-13 @ Iowa St- First up for the Pokes, we have the team of Hoyt Axton(father in
Gremlins), Walter Clore(wine pioneer in Washington) & Gary Busey(wild
card). They are battling the great team of Nancy Cox(virologist at the CDC),
Thomas McDonald(developed the Interstate Highway System) & Russell
Stover(candy king). Any team with Busey is dangerous on so many levels, mainly
bc he knows a guy in Ames who makes meth…
MIDDLE
FLORIDA -22 vs UCan’t- Matchup looks close at first glance, but the Knights
will prevail with the CEO of that disgusting Melting Pot fondue chain Mark
Johnson, the CEO of Denny’s Nelson Marchioii, and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” wife
Cheryl Hines. I have a stomach ache already. For the Huskies we have Moby,
Horshack from “Welcome Back Cotter(Ron Palillo) & Meg Ryan… Drunk food
beats Nick At Night & washed up actresses who pretend to smoke in movies!!
OREGON ST +5
vs Stanford- Interesting scenario here: Thomas Autzen was a plywood magnate who
attended OSU but made a huge donation to his rival Ducks’ stadium fund, thus it
being named for him in Eugene. Along side him you have the founded of UHaul
Leonard Shoen as well as the inventor of the computer mouse, Douglas Engelbart.
The Trees have a LONG list of distinguished alimni, so finding 3 was quite a
chore. I’m going with Ted Danson, Fred Savage & Amy Kellogg, who will be
ejected from the game for targeting bc why would any sane Stanford-educated
person choose to work at FOX News???
CLEMSON -13
@ Maryland- Probably the most diverse team of any school this week is Clemson.
Let’s take James Dickey, the author of “Deliverance”, along with the guy who
played Gunter the coffee shop guy in “Friends”, and Scott Lazar, the first
person to ever free-climb Angel Falls in Venezuela. THAT’S diversity! For the
Terps, we have Larry David(there’s an underlying theme here), Connie Chung,
& transsexual announcer Pam Ward. I don’t see Chung’s husband Maury Povich
bringing any of his guests of his show to the game, so I call for an easy Tiger
win…
OREGON -22
vs UCLA-The Quack Attack will play mind games with their novels, along side Ken
Kesey we have the author of “Fight Club”(yes, it was a book first) Chuck
Palahniuk plus Columbia Sportswear founder Tim Boyle, who we think has a better
selection of attire sans Phil Knight. And for Battle LA, let’s go with the
voice of Bart Simpson Nancy Cartwright, the late great Doors ivory tickler Ray
Manzarek, & Food Network melonhead Giada de Laurentis, who can’t ever seem
to have a blouse that fits properly.
HOUSTON +8
vs Rutgers- The former USFL team in Houston was the Gamblers, so I choose WSOP
veteran Johnny Chan to anchor this team, alongside the late great
comedian/social commentator Bill Hicks, and, uh, ummmm, let’s just throw in
both Quaids to boot. “Shitter’s Full!!!” For the Scarlet Knights, check this
out: another chef, Mario Batali & his cruddy Crocs, plus the founder of
TiVo Marty Yudkovitz, and the person pretending to be Harrison Ford’s bedsheet,
Calista Flockhart. Not much of a contest especially if the light breeze takes
Ally McBeal away…
PITT -6 @
Navy- I used be obsessed with gameshows, so as soon as I had a chance to put a
gameshow host on a team, I jumped all over Bill Cullen(Joker’s Wild, Hot
Potato). Team him with Zelda Rubenstein(the little lady in Poltergeist) and Mr
Fuckin Rogers, and Pitt will be dominant, despite the fact that all three are
dead… The Midshipmen counter with Ross Perot, Montell Williams and Richard
Byrd, famous explorer of the Arctic region. Navy has a US president(Jimmy
Carter), but he wasn’t available due to contractual obligations with HGTV.
NEBRASKA -10
@ Minnesota-On paper, this looks really tight(if its possible to distinguish
that at all), talkshow host Johnny Carson is(was) a Husker supporter to the
death(or his 7th divorce), while Warren Buffet is more concerned
with getting the city of Lincoln more helium to release a bunch of littering
balloons. The brain of the group is former scientist Gladys Dick, who came up
with a vaccine for Scarlet Fever. Over to the Golden Gophers, who sport Gomez
Addams, John Astin and two musicians of varied success: Bob Dylan & Yanni. The
mouth breathers of Nebraska would pummel both musicians bc they don’t “git”
their music… or much else…
Selah...
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