BC Gonzo Pix of the Week : Week 9

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 9 aka "Weak of the Bends"

Editor's note: Gonzo is incapacitated in a hyperbaric chamber this week. But he was able to sign his picks through the window. Ok for now.

La Monroe -14 vs Ga State
Rice -18 vs UTEP
Okie St -13.5 @ Iowa St
Ohio -25 vs Miami
Nevada -6.5 vs Unlv
Tennessee +28 @ Bama
Texas St +2.5 vs USA

SAVE GONZO!

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK NINE Picks- Homecoming 2013

WEEK NINE

A  lot of schools have their Homecoming festivities this weekend, so I thought I’d celebrate it with everyone as I delve into the rich history of these storied institutions… This week’s picks are based purely on who would win in a Death Match between the most famous & interesting alumni of each school… So here we go…

 

OKKIE STATE -13 @ Iowa St- First up for the Pokes, we have the team of Hoyt Axton(father in Gremlins), Walter Clore(wine pioneer in Washington) & Gary Busey(wild card). They are battling the great team of Nancy Cox(virologist at the CDC), Thomas McDonald(developed the Interstate Highway System) & Russell Stover(candy king). Any team with Busey is dangerous on so many levels, mainly bc he knows a guy in Ames who makes meth…

MIDDLE FLORIDA -22 vs UCan’t- Matchup looks close at first glance, but the Knights will prevail with the CEO of that disgusting Melting Pot fondue chain Mark Johnson, the CEO of Denny’s Nelson Marchioii, and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” wife Cheryl Hines. I have a stomach ache already. For the Huskies we have Moby, Horshack from “Welcome Back Cotter(Ron Palillo) & Meg Ryan… Drunk food beats Nick At Night & washed up actresses who pretend to smoke in movies!!

OREGON ST +5 vs Stanford- Interesting scenario here: Thomas Autzen was a plywood magnate who attended OSU but made a huge donation to his rival Ducks’ stadium fund, thus it being named for him in Eugene. Along side him you have the founded of UHaul Leonard Shoen as well as the inventor of the computer mouse, Douglas Engelbart. The Trees have a LONG list of distinguished alimni, so finding 3 was quite a chore. I’m going with Ted Danson, Fred Savage & Amy Kellogg, who will be ejected from the game for targeting bc why would any sane Stanford-educated person choose to work at FOX News???

CLEMSON -13 @ Maryland- Probably the most diverse team of any school this week is Clemson. Let’s take James Dickey, the author of “Deliverance”, along with the guy who played Gunter the coffee shop guy in “Friends”, and Scott Lazar, the first person to ever free-climb Angel Falls in Venezuela. THAT’S diversity! For the Terps, we have Larry David(there’s an underlying theme here), Connie Chung, & transsexual announcer Pam Ward. I don’t see Chung’s husband Maury Povich bringing any of his guests of his show to the game, so I call for an easy Tiger win…

OREGON -22 vs UCLA-The Quack Attack will play mind games with their novels, along side Ken Kesey we have the author of “Fight Club”(yes, it was a book first) Chuck Palahniuk plus Columbia Sportswear founder Tim Boyle, who we think has a better selection of attire sans Phil Knight. And for Battle LA, let’s go with the voice of Bart Simpson Nancy Cartwright, the late great Doors ivory tickler Ray Manzarek, & Food Network melonhead Giada de Laurentis, who can’t ever seem to have a blouse that fits properly.

HOUSTON +8 vs Rutgers- The former USFL team in Houston was the Gamblers, so I choose WSOP veteran Johnny Chan to anchor this team, alongside the late great comedian/social commentator Bill Hicks, and, uh, ummmm, let’s just throw in both Quaids to boot. “Shitter’s Full!!!” For the Scarlet Knights, check this out: another chef, Mario Batali & his cruddy Crocs, plus the founder of TiVo Marty Yudkovitz, and the person pretending to be Harrison Ford’s bedsheet, Calista Flockhart. Not much of a contest especially if the light breeze takes Ally McBeal away…

PITT -6 @ Navy- I used be obsessed with gameshows, so as soon as I had a chance to put a gameshow host on a team, I jumped all over Bill Cullen(Joker’s Wild, Hot Potato). Team him with Zelda Rubenstein(the little lady in Poltergeist) and Mr Fuckin Rogers, and Pitt will be dominant, despite the fact that all three are dead… The Midshipmen counter with Ross Perot, Montell Williams and Richard Byrd, famous explorer of the Arctic region. Navy has a US president(Jimmy Carter), but he wasn’t available due to contractual obligations with HGTV.

NEBRASKA -10 @ Minnesota-On paper, this looks really tight(if its possible to distinguish that at all), talkshow host Johnny Carson is(was) a Husker supporter to the death(or his 7^th divorce), while Warren Buffet is more concerned with getting the city of Lincoln more helium to release a bunch of littering balloons. The brain of the group is former scientist Gladys Dick, who came up with a vaccine for Scarlet Fever. Over to the Golden Gophers, who sport Gomez Addams, John Astin and two musicians of varied success: Bob Dylan & Yanni. The mouth breathers of Nebraska would pummel both musicians bc they don’t “git” their music… or much else…

 

 

Selah...

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 8

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 8 aka “Weak of the Union Crack”

After stumbling around the streets of London for the past week, a drunken Gonzo will bestow to you some random Across the Pond observations whilst the rotten Boddington’s slowly seeps from his pores: 1) Brits hate baseball (aka “Rounders”) – Why the bloody hell does one club randomly run off the pitch and the other takes their place? 2) Brits loathe basketball (aka “Netball”) – It used to be played by little girls in the school yard but now it’s played by black fellows who follow that abominable Amerikan Rap Musick! 3) their favourite U.S. imports are Family Guy and Delta planes who take loud, ugly Americans back home; 4) English footballer Wayne Rooney looks ridiculous with his new hair transplant: He looks like a fucking balloon with a fucking Weetabix crushed on top; 5) Most Brits still think Oasis are the greatest band in the world; and 6) Alabama is the only college team Englishmen are even vaguely familiar with: Oh yes. Don’t they have the Croatian chap as their manager?

Anyhaught – let’s Carry On with a cup of tea and Week 8 pix...
Wayne Rooney or a healthy English Breakfast?

5 Star Platinum Pick

Texas A&M -13.5 vs. Auburn: Apparently, delusional Awbern fans are already mapping out their plans to get to the BCS title game after a decent start. To quote famous American philosopher Winston Wolfe: “Well.. let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks quite yet.” Johnny Fookin’ Football will shatter their inbred dreams and put up 40 points by halftime. Afterwards, the wired up QB snorts a few celebratory lines off the arse of their collie mascot - Reveille….  

5 Star Picks

Oklahoma -23 @ Kansas: Charlie Weiss has been trying to shed a few hundred pounds recently by going on the new Domino’s Pizza Carb Diet: cheesy pasta in a bread bowl followed by breadsticks followed by 2 extra bread large pizzas followed by cinnamon bread sticks for desert – 4 times daily. This week, however, Bob Stoops promises an inhumane beat down in 30 minutes or less, and Weiss becomes the latest coach to get shit-canned in midseason.

Oklahoma St -7 vs. TCU: Let’s stay in the twister-ravaged Dust Bowl State shall we? (And then get the hell out of this shit heap as soon as possible)  Mike Gundy continues his weekly tradition of digging up the corpse of T .Boone Pickens to give a pep talk and oil-stained $3K handshakes to fire up his Pokes. The Christ Punchers keep it close for a while but succumb to the aerial attack of the Boyz in the 2nd half.    

4 Star Picks

Wyoming -6.5 vs. Colorado St: Ah – the first Gonzo vs. Fixer death cage match in 5 years. You’d think after all the whippings I administered to him the last decade, he wouldn’t come back for more misery. Maybe it’s akin to a battered wife syndrome: No it’s really my fault that Gonzo is a vicious drunken, chemically-addled asshole. I’ll do better. I'll do better.  Anyway, look for the shit-brown pokes to roll the Rams at 5,000 feet.

Florida State -3 @ Clemson: Which inexperienced QB will prevail in Death Valley – freshman Famous Jameis “No really, my recruiting was above board and Coach Fisher is a fine Christian man” Winston or senior Tahj “thank god I switched my original commitment from that trash fire in Knoxville” Boyd. I’ll go with the former Hueytown Golden Gopher. Bobby Allison must be rollin’ over in his grave…

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Georgia -7 @ Vandy: Folks wonder why I’m picking on UGA so much this year and their excuse-spewing fan base: If only we had more time than other teams. If only we had a shorter field. If only our players didn’t get hurt. If only we could go back to the daze of Jimmy Carter and the Ass-a-holah Ayatollah. Sorry Pup fans – Herschel ain’t shitting out any clones, but Andy Murray and Co. still break through The Doors this week.

LSWho??? -9.5 @ Ole Piss: LSU and their cognitively-challenged fans will drag their beer coolers and rusty lawn chairs across state lines into the Land of Bible Thumping and will enjoy the thrashing they’ll administer to the Grand Thumper himself– Hugh Mr. Freeze. Afterward, both fan bases come together to debate who has the best tailgating experience and racist viewpoints.       

OK For Now...
BC Gonzo

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK EIGHT Picks

WEEK EIGHT

 

Some random thoughts as we enter the second half of the season… Will we look back at highlights 20 years from now and say that this Pink trend was a nice gesture??? Due to the fact that the NCAA & the NFL keep the majority of the profits from merchandise they say is going to “fight for a cure”, the gimmick isn’t to fight cancer but to get more women watching their sport, and buying jerseys, and going to games, this sham has to be called out. Who has the balls???

At what point did the state of Alabama change its’ state flower to the Orange Traffic Barrel??? It’s already miserable to travel to & thru the Heart of Dixie, now they’re making it slower and they’re barely working on them…

Are some low brow web sites actually conducting polls as to what costume the QB from Texas should wear for Halloween??? In this day and age of social media, you can really tell who then real journalists are, barely, and you can see really quick who the media whores and lurches are out there, they are the Gall Bladder of sports: you don’t know what function they have, and when they are too annoying to deal with, you cut them out and toss them into a medical waste bag…

My statisticians tell me that since 2005, schools who have planned & marketed various “Black Outs” & “White Outs” et al… LOSE 71% of the time. So again, to my first point of this week’s column, it’s all about the $$$$$$ and not the winning. Sell more fucked up jerseys that feature a color not related to the school in ANY way, and allow the students to blacken their face like some 1920s Jazz Singer remake, and say it’s for the players…

 

But I digress…

 

OKLAHOMA -23 @ Kansas- What is it with obesity & Jayhawk football coaches??? You had a guy who did everything in his power to eat his way out of any situation, now you have this fatfuck guy who did the typical ‘Merican way of laziness and got his stomach stapled, yet failed to stop stuffing his pie hole with pie… Does that King of Queens dipshit know anything about football, bc he’s on deck, Sunflower State rubes!!!

 

SOUTHERN CAL +3 @ Notre Dame- After the Trojans upset the Irish Saturday, prepare yourself for one of your favorite internet buffoons to say “You have to give Ed Orgeron credit”… To whom I will respond, “You have to give your father credit, the rest of the guys your mom banged when she was 16 pulled out”…

 

TEXAS A&M -13 vs Auburn- Foreclosure rates in the state of Alabama increase dramatically in the Fall bc most of the Dirt Road Alumni would rather travel hundreds of miles & spend their moderately-earned money to root for their favorite team, than keep making payments on a trailer that’ll be torn apart by a tornado or a meth lab explosion anyway…

 

GEORGIA -7 @ Vandy- “Shucks! If JawJuh didn’t have so many injuries they’d be in contention, man, if they didn’t have to play all them hard teams early in the season, they would be undefeated and #1, and man, we shudda beat Bama in that roofed stadium in that big town with paved roads, and man, we’s gonna like all the country muzak in Nashvegas this here weekend…”

 

ARIZONA ST -3 vs Washington- A team like the Huskies appears every year. Quick start, get some attention, lose a close game, then the manure spitter jackknifes on the Santa Ana and they become a godawful mess… You should see their shoes…

 

TENNESSEE +8 vs South Carolina- I love to read, especially about History, I find that shit fascinating. History tells me that Spurrier-coached teams perform(cover) poorly in early start games. History also tells me that parachute pants and jams were very popular in the Summer of 1985. So I stopped reading History, I don’t want to live through that again...

 

SOUTH ALABAMA -6 vs Kent St- This will officially be the first ever time in the history of the world that I will pick the Jaguars. If they screw this up, they will forever be known as the “Jagoffs”… Yes I’m a creative genius but that’s why I’m paid the big bucks…

 

 

The 14^th Annual Gonzo vs Fixer Death Match:

 

COLORADO ST +7 @ Wyoming- We go head to head at least one time each season, with the loser buying the winner 3 shrimp cocktails and a bottle of his second cheapest favorite champagne…Gonzo likes to talk a tough game, but he’s like that little annoying barking dog in your neighbors’ yard. Is he gonna keep barking, or is he gonna bite??? All kidding aside, there will be a lot of cash that changes hands amongst our statisticians, mathematicians, and other random statisticians, along with all our seedy on campus sources, pimps, players, haters, tramps, scamps, and the usual classy members of our crew...

 

 TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

 

Texas Tech/West Va Over 57-I like the points as well, but I was thinking of the number of combined teeth for the home team cheerleading squad… And for the 78^th consecutive year, the Homecoming Queen was named “Hatfield”…

 

OHIO U/EMich Over 57-A few miles down river, enjoy this pillow fight for the ages…


Selah...

The Atlanta Fixer's WEEK SEVEN Plays

               
                                                       WEEK SEVEN

 

I swear I thought I woke up in fuckin’ Cleveland this week. The sports situation here in Atlanta is as dark and hopeless as those disgusting fat bodies sitting in their trainers watching The Biggest Loser thinking that they themselves could one day get up off the couch(the term “sofa” cannot be used when talking about trailers), and lose 100lbs. Instead they suck down another coffee cake and plot out their lawsuit against Sara Lee, of whom they think is a real person and I’m getting waaay off topic here… So as the Braves have once again shattered all hopes and dreams of an entire transplanted metro area, I take it especially hard, as my father used to take me to games in the ‘80s when the ushers would laugh when you showed them your stub, “Go sit as close as you’d like” they’d say. And all 700 of us would on a Sunday afternoon against Mike Schmidt, Pete Rose, Steve Garvey, & the rest. It finally came to me on Tuesday morning what it feels like t obe a Braves fan…

 

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom!!!

 

Yes, every April the Braves organization hordes you into their sanctuary with smoke and mirrors and kids games and Dippin’ Dots, like the fire and chilled monkey brains and whoopla of the underground fire pit of Pankot Palace. There, you’re encouraged to chant and moan & groan for hours upon hours while the excitement is built. All season, your eyes get bigger and the strange liquid you think is beer is in actuality some black sleep blood of Kali. You feel invincible, you chant more, you are listening to and obeying every word you hear. That foam tomahawk can’t fail you now! You are part of them, you are committed to giving your life to this group, you would die for them! Then, the leader of this whole shindig walks out, Mola Ram, you are awe inspired by his presence, exactly how Dan Uggla makes you feel. He brings you to the front, and you participate in their version of guessing which cap the baseball card is under while watching that giant Monstros-a-tron screen. It’s playoff time, you are at your apex of excitement & hope, and there is nothing that could possibly ruin this moment… And then Mola Ram jabs his hand into your chest and rips out your heart, and you watch it catch fire as you’re lowered slowly into the fire pit and you’re incinerated in 5 seconds… Too bad Harrison Ford is too old nowadays to swing in on his whip and save you & the rest of certain death, the only time that happened was in 1995… So THAT is what it’s like being a Braves fan… Welcome to Hell

 

 

TEXAS A&M -6’ @ Ole Piss- Heckofa good job talking shit then crossing the border into Alabama and shitting your pants, schools who are used to winning don’t act like that frat boy you see in the seedt Biloxi casinos who just won $100 playing Blackjack and won’t stop talking about that one hand that he hit on 17(like the mouth breather dumb shit he is) and got 21! Then, of course he yells out “WINNING!!!”

 

OKLAHOMA -12’ vs Texas- Each year in early October we’re subjected to the disgusting fried concoctions of the Tejas State Fair And Cholesterol Blaster as well as a thorough thrashing of the Steers by Boomer Sooner. Blah blah blah Mack Borow’s fired… Blah blah blah Stoops earns half his paycheck winning this game each year. Blah blah blah fried Big Macs

 

STANFORD -8 @ Utah- I once flew in an Alaska Airlines crop duster from SFO to SLC bc the lovely folks at Delta forgot to tell me after I bough a tickets to take the ride, that the plane was 20 seats short. So I lived it up in style sipping wine from a box and eating CheezIts while some flight attendant who paddled a canoe to school for 15 years told me how great life is in Juneau…

 

NORTHWESTERN +10’ @ Wisky- Members of the Badger band are still receiving counseling after being taunted by some 400lb steroided NFL good at Lambeau last week. Kids these days are so soft & insecure & introverted. They should have a National Ass Kicking Day, and all these little twerps can know what it feels like to grow up in the ‘70s & ‘80s without cellphones & Facepage & Nickelback. I am officially an old coot…

 

OREGON -13’ @ Washington- Sure the Huskies will be up early as That Four Letter Sports Channel brings their traveling Circus Freakshow to Seattle, and sure they have a really sharp renovated stadium that I once broke into and rubbed my hands on the 1990 National Championship trophy. The point I’m making is that like all new things, at some point, fresh blood will spew across the glimmering concrete floors and reservations to the Las Vegas Bowl will be flowing like wine…

 

MISSISIPPI ST -11 vs Bowling Green- I used to think Bowling Green State University was in Bowling Green, Kentucky, birthplace of the Corvette. I also thought Mississippi State university was in Vietnam, and after attending a game in their “crackerbox stadium, I was still confused bc all the inbred cowbell banging rubes had those “Deliverance Banjo Eyes” you’ll only find in the rice fields of Ngo Dinh Diem.

 

LSWHO? -7 vs Flor-Duh- As you read this early on a Saturday morning, just sit back and realize that there are thousands of smelly drunk southerners fighting & losing control of their bodily functions(either end) in Baton Rouge bc of an oblong pigskin object being tossed around a pasture. ‘MERICA!!!

 

BOISE ST -6 @ Utah St- A diamond in the rough play, the Ags QB controls their offense and without him they are clueless. Methinks HC Peterson has finally realized that this may be his last chance to make the jump to either real grass or at least green turf. FYI: While in Logan, be sure to visit the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers Museum, this week they’re featuring the display “Pat Dye & AIDS Boy Pollack’s Guide of How To Be A Submissive Wife”…

 

 

TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

 

Texas Tech/Iowa St OVER 56- Cliff Dingleberry hates schools who beat him while he played QB

 

LSU/FLA Under 48’- Even the players will be to fucked to score, probably drunk off the burps and farts of the crowd

 

ECU/Tulane Over 54- Meanwhile down the road from Baton Rouge…  Selah... 

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 7

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 7 aka “Weak of Señor Beaverotti”

So I was doing a radio bit in the garbage fire of Columbia, SC this week, and after referring to a certain local head coach as a butt-plug, the asshole producer cut my interview short and banned me for life from his shit-hole station! WTF kind of world do we reside in where Standards and Practices doesn’t allow for a young Gonzo to go for cheap laughs and call the Ole Ball Sack a dookie dike? Christ! In any case, on to Gonzo’s Sage Advice for Week 7: When you see blood on your toilet paper, you should shit in the dark for the next 30 days and hope for the best!

 

Official training table munchie of the CSU Rams

5 Star Platinum Pick

San Jose St +3.5 @ Colorado St: I’m not necessarily suggesting that the demise of Colorado and CSU’s respective programs is in any way related to the timing of the legalization of Pot Parties! in the Centennial State, but... most of their players that do make it to the NFL Combine generally test for high-levels of Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme in their blood stream. The Spartans and their gloryboy, first round QB haven’t lived up to expectations, but they’ll still smoke the Rams in Ft. Collins. Alex Van Pelt must be rollin’ over in his grave….

5 Star Picks

Texas A&M -6 @ Ole Piss: The real dilemma here is to abhor less: a sniveling, cokehead brat for a QB or a hypocritical, bible-whipping, dirty buck-toothed coach. I’ll have to hate Johnny less this week, given that all his dreams are made when he’s chained to the mirror and the razor blade. And this week, he’ll give the Black Bears another demoralizing beat down and send the locals back to their trailer parks for some good ole fashioned wife beatin….  

 

Houston -9.5 vs. Memphis: When I heard about this match-up, my first question was what school in the FBS resides in the most crime-riddled, gamey, polluted, corrupt cess-pool in this Fowl Land? Well - given that Saint Louis doesn’t have a D1 program, I’ll give the nod to Mempiss. Anyway, the Cougs stay unbeaten in front of 5,000 PBR-addled fans in BBVA Compass Stadium. Do they have a tarp of shame for the upper deck??
 

4 Star Picks

Troy -16.5 @ Georgia St: The Panzers continue their dreary tour of getting ass-reamed by teams from Alabama this week (Fun Gonzo Factoid! GSU plays 5 teams from the Tornado Magnet State this year). After witnessing another massacre, the majority of the 287 Ga State phans that braved the trip to the Dome collectively plan how to best avoid eye contact with the cracked-out pan handlers at the 5 point MARTA car station. 

Oklahoma -13.5 vs. Tejas: Speaking of ass rapes, Mack Brown has already begun lubing preparations in what looks to be his last Red River Reaming. Sources tell BC Gonzo that Stoops plans to bring out the Gimp and get medieval on that Whorn ass in the Cotton Bowl. And here’s a reality check for the UT folks that think they have a shot at any coach with a pulse – no sane person would want to subject themselves to your overbearing, delusional culture. You might try to thaw out the corpse of David McWilliams when all else fails...   
 
3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Michigan -2.5 @ Perv State: Nothing good should ever happen again to that god-forsaken shit-hole school that harbored kiddie-rapists for 30 years and still has its head in the sand. I hope the place burns. I might rip out the esophagus of the next Penn St fan I encounter. Fuck the Paterno family. I hope the new flesh-eating heroin addiction scourge permeates their campus. I never thought I’d say this… but Go Wolverines!

Stanford –7.5 @ Utah: They say that David Shaw is a clone of Nick Saban. Well – except that he’s black. And he doesn’t have Asperger Syndrome. And he won’t have any statues torn down in the near future. And doesn’t rip the heads off parakeets to fire up his team. Other than that, the comparison is eerie… The Dead Trees roll big in the Land of Bigamy.  

Oregon St +1 @ Wash St: Folks in the Palouse thought they saw it all with uber pervert Mike Price and his autistic sons until a certain cross-dressing, wanna-be Buccaneer showed up. While his lunacy has met expectations, the performance of his shitty Cougs has not.  Beavers win big in Pullman, and afterwards, Leach announces that his obsession with Teen Wolf has replaced his fascinations with Pirates.

OK For Now…
BC Gonzo

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 6

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week
Week 6 aka “Weak of Weak Sex”

Sigh… Another week, another string of pointless, made-for-that-4 letter network, college football controversies. Does anyone really give 2 shits about the $200 loan made to Bama’s Ha-Ha Clinton’s Dick or the appointment of Condi Rice to the playoff committee? ("But Goddamit, I'm sure this affects my self-esteem somehow, dawg...") I mean – if she was smart enough to help discover Iraq’s WMDs, then she’s certainly smart enough to… well – never mind…Ho ho.. Anyway, so here I go, still scratchin’ around in my same old hole….

   Herpes or Smug Scars? You be the judge....

5 Star Platinum Pick

Oklahoma -9.5 vs. TCU:  Smarmy Stoops is on the SEC bashing circuit again. Christ. Careful there big boy – don’t keep writing checks your ass can’t cash. I have a feeling Johnny Eightball and Co. would gladly hang 60 on you this year.  The only thing more disgusting than Stoops' smugness are the horrible lesions (herpes?) on his face.  Nonetheless, his soft Sooners handle the Christ-Punchers with ease this week in Tornado Land.... 

5 Star Picks

Florida -11.5 vs. Arkansas: Speaking of sleazy, snotty, big talking coaches with no gravitas to back it up, Brett Bulimia will learn soon enough that Bullshit walks in this league. He’ll get another dose of shit sandwiches this week courtesy of loony tunes Coach Muscato and Gang. 

Ohio -4 @ Akron: They say Ohio U. is always the first MAC team to pick up the scent of dying, rotting teams ready for a tailspin. Or is that just the sickly, sweet, gangrene-esque smell of Terry Bowden’s beer farts?? My treacherous Athens, Ohio contact, Finnick, tells me the BobCocks roll by double digits.

4 Star Picks

Georgia -10.5 @ Tennessee: This is Perplexing Line #1 of the week. There is no way the Bulldogs will suffer a letdown against these East Tennessee poodles. UT head man Butch Jones may look like Chet from Weird Science, but he coaches like Chet Atkins, a fellow hillbilly-in-arms. Dawgs roll in Kneelin’ Stadium…..

Ohio St -6.5 @ Northwestern: Completing our Week 6 trifecta of dipshit, haughty, prickless coaches is Urban Crier. Regardless of the inexperienced QB he puts up the center’s ass, the Butt Nutts will continue their cakewalk in Dike Stadium. Gary Barnett must be rollin’ over in his grave.

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Kent State +8.5 vs. N. Illinois: Yet another Gonzo Kent State pick this year, and I've yet to crack a tired National Guard joke. I’ll leave that job for the alcohol/gonorrhea-scarred brains of LSU frat fucks. Look for the Kangaroos to keep it close against the Huskies, still high from their win over San Perdue.

LSU -9.5 @ Miss. State: And now for Perplexing Line #2 of the week. I could normally understand Les Mis and the Rapist Tigahs suffering an emotional letdown after last week but not against Clown Mullen and the Clown Dogs. Come on dude – M$U is easily the biggest Clown Show in the SEC. Bengals romp in StarkVegas….

OK For Now…. 

BC Gonzo

The Fixer's WEEK SIX PIX

WEEK SIX

 

So you know how to keep rabid gambling junkies in suspense??? I’ll tell ya later…

As we pass through the first half of the season, many questions arise: Who’s the best team in the WAC? Where the hell is Chaldron? Will Twitter ever recover from the series finale of That Meth Show? Does anyone at The Bleacher Report have their GED? Where’s the Records Room? But I think the important issues will work themselves out despite the blathering and nonsensical drivel of most major sports information providers on the Interweb.

 

OLE PISS -2' @ Allbarn- Its been a quiet week on Twitter for all the Rebs who were reality checked last weekend. If The Tigers want to play in mid January in The Magic City, they’ll need to find a way to smother Coach Freeze’s Jesus this and Jericho that banter…

UCLA -4 @ Utah- HBO tried to promote this Six Feet Under vs Big Love matchup but they can barely get an audience on broadcast TV. Have you ever been in SLC on a Saturday night? There’s barely anything going on in the one Bingo Parlor much less a sports bar(you can’t even say bar aloud in Utah or risk lockup)…

GEORGIA -11' @ Tennessee- Letdowns aside, the Dogs are far superior to the Vols in ever aspect, kind of like comparing Dr Pepper to Mr Pibb… Or Krystal to White Castle. If JawJuh mouth breathers cared about anything like leaves changing, they’d have a decent time in Knoxvegas. Instead, they’ll pack the vomit-riddled bars on Cumberland Ave and piss on the floor for effect.

LSU -8 @ Mississippi St- Rumor has it that Bayou Bengal fans will drive the 45 minutes East to party in Ttown before and after the game since Starkvegas is a urine-soaked hell hole.

RICE +3 vs Tulsa- Give a hoot! Read a book! The same number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop is the same number of yards the Owls will get on the hapless Canes…

TEXAS ST +10' @ Gonzo’s Rajun Cajuns- Some hack writer said Coach Fran had something “special” going in (whatever desolate town that school is in)… If he can keep his players out of the seedy Bourbon Street sex dens thie weekend, they will have a chance…

MIDDLE FLORIDA -9 @ Memphis- The last time the Knights played in the sturdy Liberty Bowl, they whooped Jaw-Juh’s ass. Methinks that another win here won’t be nearly as tough…

NAVY -11 vs Air Force- So after Air Force loses by 10, if they come back and say they want 11 points to win or they’ll shut down college football, you’ll have the same situation as we have in DC…

 

Totally Awesome!!!

Troy/South Alabama Over 62- If every alumni of both schools along with current students packed Diane Ladd Mia Peebles Stadium, they still wouldn’t fill it up…

Tulane/ North Texas Over 53'- I didn’t even look nor did I care where this game is being played. One place is in danger of a hurricane, the other place gets pounded by mud rain…

Marshall/ UTSA Over 65- Larry Coker once left a Waffle House waitress in Bluefield a $10 tip after his Bert’s chili came out just right.

Va Tech/ UNC Over 45'- The only way Logan Thomas gets a look in April is if he swarms this Tar Hole D, which is as easy as telling the difference between butter and I Can’t Tell It’s Not Butter…

Selah...