BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 5

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week

Week 5 aka “Weak of Death Showers”

What a Twisted season already… After 12 years of this shit, I’m actually used to getting physically threatened by a variety of nut job fan bases – ranging from VA Tech (my references to Beamer’s neck herpes touches a nerve so to speak) to Bama (see my Brian Dennehy Stadium bits) to UGA (yes, you grown trashy men, in fact, bark like dogs) supporters. But after a solid month of Twitter sparring with Jack Crowe, I now have officially been challenged by the failed, drunken former Arkansas and Jacksonville State coach to confront him on his 2-bit show he broadcasts live from Awbern, AL. He promised me a “country boy ass kicking” to be precise.  But I’m not having him. He can fuck right off, because I just don’t like the shape of his bulbous head. Remember The Citadel, Jackie boy! 

Fornit Some Fornus!

   Do I really need a restraining order against this goon?

 

5 Star Platinum Pick:

Michigan St -21.5 vs. Purdue: Speaking of surly, alcoholic head coaches, Mark Dantonio is rude, arrogant, intimidating and insufferable. In fact, he might be the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup.  But his Spartans will dismantle the hapless Shaker Makers, who are the worst “Power 5” team not named Kansas. 

5 Star Picks:

Georgia -1.5 vs. Alabama: If any of you have never been to a game in Athens, here’s a sample of what you would hear: http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/the-carsenio-hall-show/n10088 UGA fans are just weird, wild stuff. Just WOOF WOOF WOOF and that’s it!  Dogs take care of a de-intensified Tide…

Houston -7 @ Tulsa: The Cougs’ cheesy new gimmick this year is “H Town Takeover”.  I suppose the “H” could stand for a variety of things – Hispanic Hookers’ Hand-jobs by the Half Hour (so I hear…), Humidity, Hicks, Homophobes, etc. But whatever works, eh? This week, the H-Towners travel to Dust Bowl country to make quick work of the Golden Shower.  

4 Star Picks:

N. Illinois -3 @ C. Michigan:  A dozen years ago, Michael Turner and the Huskies ran all over a dumbfounded Mike Shula in the grouchy confines of Brian Dennehy Stadium.  Before that, DeKalb, IL was more famous for being the home of Barb Wire, Cindy Crawford, Corn, Tornadoes, and more corn.  See, we’ve all learned something….

Florida St -20 @ Wake Forest: Winston-Salem and the Skoal Bowl will be a virtual mosh pit thanks to Joachin Phoenix this weekend. That should make the traveling, swamp rat pricks from Tallahassee feel right at home, as Jimbo’s thugs corn-hole the pitiful Deacs.  Ricky Proehl must be rollin’ over in his grave…

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks):

Nevada -6.5 vs. UNLV:  The first stop in BC Gonzo’s Tri-State Dream Vacation parlay features the Battle of the Silver State, aka Hooker and Gambling Heaven (“You Know They Have a Helluva Teaser!”). The Pack should mudhole the Pedestrian Rebs in the Battle of the Silver State, but 1^st year Coach Tony “Dirty” Sanchez will have the Rebels rocking in a few years.

Oregon -7.5 @ Colorado:  We end our parlay in the Battle of the Legalized Plant States.  After the Ducks jump out to a huge halftime lead, CU fans in a desolate Folsom Field will finally understand the Pot Paradox: An empty bowl needs to be filled, while a full bowl needs to be emptied. 

Ok For Now…..

BC Gonzo

The Fixer's WEEK FIVE Slaying Dragons & Taking Names

WEEK FIVE

TCU -14 vs Texas- Back on 11/20/12, one of those low-rent sports sites that specializes in Slide Shows masquerading as reputable “journalism”, actually published a story on how the Longhorns “Would absolutely own this ‘new’ rivalry”… This “new” rivalry has been played 85 times, hmmmmm??? Since that attempt at legitimate writing was exposed to the world(like the virus that entire organization is), the Horny Toads have won 2 of 3 and that “writer” is now selling shoes at the Payless in Round Rock…

Here's That Dumbass Article

NOTRE DAME +1½ @ Clemson-  Until anyone wearing orange in South Carolina steps up and wins an important fucking game for the Piedmont people, I will continue to give them the level of respect that a 500 lb mouth breather deserves for not being told to purchase two seats on the plane I have to sit by…

MEMPHIS -8½ @ Florida Directional School #163- I have NO IDEA why this spread isn’t 30…

EAST CAROLINA -5½ @ The Christ Punchers- The ‘Stangs are now #1 in number of times they’ve lied cheated & stolen while trying to play college athletics, and they still suck! Last week was a loss to a dead president school from Virginia, and this week will be a Hong Kong Stomp courtesy of a North Carolina Directional School… Craig James must be rolling over in his grave. I’d ask him but he’s blocked me on Twitter since asking him if Rick Perry used Astroglide when they talked about policy…

NORTHERN ILLINOIS -3 @ Middle Michigan- Some shithead on XM College Sports Radio referenced NIU’s 2003 victory over Alabama as still having significance in their current program’s success… So beating a Mike Shula-coached team 12yrs ago is still reaping benefits today??? Who puts these troglodytes on the air???

MARSHALL -19 vs Old Dominion- Citizens of Portsmouth & Newport News were disappointed to learn that this weekend’s Joaquin Phoenix Film Festival has been postponed due to Hurricane Joaquin… But the Leif Phoenix Film Festival is still happening… He was in Space Camp!!!

MINNESOTA +3½ @ Northwestern- Typical Big10+4 garbage teams playing down to their competition, but in this case I don’t know which team is the shittier one…They moved the start time of this game up 30 minutes to accommodate for another shitty conference game being moved earlier to avoid some death storm named for an actor who had a brother who died of a heroin overdose while hanging out with another actor who almost had his dogs put down recently bc his bitch-whore wife smuggled them into another country while he was filming the 37^th sequel to a boring-ass pirate franchise based on a fucking ride at some rundown amusement park created by some nazi-loving creep who was played by an actor in another movie who used to dress in drag on a TV show in the ‘80s…

ARIZONA +14 @ Stanford- “Bear Down” turned into a “Beat Down” last week, much to my dismay...

OHIO U -2 @ Akron- I had to play QB my senior year after having been a WR my entire HS career up until then. So how did I prepare to be the ultimate tackling dummy on Friday nights in Alabama??? By going to Terry Bowden’s QB camp at Samford University… I rode home in a lot of ambulances that season…

NEW MEXICO -13 vs New Mexico St- The Rio Grande Rivalry pits family versus family, cow versus cow, lizard vs lizard, and methhead versus the other methhead who have no idea what the hell I’m talking about…

BONUS PICK(S):

Take every Under of every game being played in Florida, Georgia, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina & Maryland…

Selah...

The Fixer's Week Four Road Trip

WEEK FOUR Memories from The Fixer's Road Adventures...

WASHINGTON +4 vs California- I’ve broken into both of these school’s stadiums, including using my wife as a lookout when I ran onto the field in Berkeley. I posed for a selfie with the ’90 Husky national championship trophy inside their booster club level in Seattle.

WESTERN KENTUCKY -20½ vs Miami, Oh- I was so bombed out on low-grade acid when I was 20, I thought I was in Bowling Green, Indiana instead of Kentucky, then saw a bunch of lizards driving around in Corvettes & realized I was a carrot.

Buffalo/ Nevada OVER 56- Reno brags about being a cool town, but there’s nothing kool about a bunch of gambling degenerates prowling around the seedy casinos and offering tourists hand jobs for $17.50.

ARIZONA ST +5½ vs Southern Cal- The tunnels of the Fiesta Bowl smell like a combination of Astroglide & hot dog water…

ARIZONA +3 vs UCLA- This Summer I finagled my way into the Mildcat’s stadium, and was temporarily trapped on the Club Level(see background photo on this blog). While I was there, I did a walking tour of famous houses of my #3 favorite movie of all time: Revenge of the Nerds…Get high on stress…

OLD DOMINION +8 vs Appalachian St- A young Fixer ventured to Boone and saw Widespread Panic serve it well chilled, and while I was there I played 5-on-5 in Kidd-Brewer. ODUhas Ballard Field, not an impressive venue, but just down the street in Portsmouth, my grandfather is enshrined in the Virginia Sports Hall of Fame…

SYRACUSE +24½ vs LSU- I have to admit, I’ve never been inside the Carrier Dome, nor have I ever wanted to. And I got hit in the head with a battery & had golf balls thrown at us in Death Valley, but that’s what those people do when they couldn’t beat their rival at home for 30 years…

Houston/ Texas St OVER 72- The fake grass in the Cougars’ new digs looks like it was recycled from my grandparents’ screened-in-porch from 1979. At least there’s no 80yr old men standing by the door ready to whip my ass with a belt when I spilt my grandmother’s scotch…

Selah...

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 4

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week

Week 4 aka “Weak of Fantasy Fiends”

After two 6-1 ATS records in the 1^st three weeks of the season, let’s keep the Gonzo Prognosticating Machine pumping out winners for you free-loading Thugs. As for the pay sites some of you frequent, all they do is over-analyze their faulty data sets. Haven’t they got fuck-all better to do? I’d rather be out there On the Piss and trusting instincts. Buyer Beware…

Fornit Some Fornus!

    After all, it's Terry's Wonderwall...

5 Star Platinum Pick:

UL Lafayette -8 vs. Akron: The last time Kangaroo Coach Terry Bowden was relevant, soul patches, backward jeans, Crystal Pepsi, Crystal Meth, and chain wallets were all the rage. Ah, how I miss thee, 1990s. These daze, Terry single-handedly makes the Akron Golden Corral the most profitable business in NE Ohio. This Saturday, his mind might be on his prime rib slathered in Chocolate Wonderfall bacteria, but his Zips will be getting pistol-whipped by Gonzo’s Cajuns. 

5 Star Picks:

Minnesota -10 vs. Ohio: The Fixer and I have a side bet going this year – what will happen 1^st: Jerry Kill’s next epileptic seizure or Frank “Steke Stife” Solich’s next DUI? I’m banking on Frank’s next Dewey after nickle beer night and horse meat tacos in downtown Athens. I also look for the Gophers to run roughshod over the hapless BobCocks.

Nebraska -21.5 vs. Southern Piss: After Mike Riley’s lackluster start, folks in the Cornhusker State haven’t been this outraged since High Fructose Corn Syrup fell all the way to 3^rd in the rankings as a contributor to obesity, diabetes, cancer, and general stupidity. This week the Shuckers get a much needed HFCS-infused tonic against the baby shit-clad Eagles.

4 Star Picks:

Tennessee -1 @ Flore-Duh: Coach “Sergeant Carter” Jones’ cheesy clichés, gimmicks, and catch-phrases are finally to beginning to wear thin with Vols fans. Rumor out of Knoxville is that Butch is desperately trying to whip a drinking and Vicodin problem. UT’s decade of misery ends this week in the Swamp, as their eyebrow-less, inexperienced QB has a career game. Bottoms Up, Butch!

Buffalo Pick ‘Em vs. Nevada: I happen to know a dude from Buffalo that actually bragged to me he went to school with Ani DiFranco… or was it one of the Goo Goo Dolls? It really doesn’t matter, but I suppose it’s still a better place to live than Reno – “We’re sorta like Vegas, except the Hookers wear snowshoes sometimes”. Bull Dykes win big this week.

  

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks):

Arkansas +7 vs. Texas A&M: Bert Bulimia’s big talk during the off-season has finally bitten him in his rather rotund ass. In fact, his mouth is the only thing bigger than his rump, which is saying a lot considering the overall considerable girth of the Natural State. This week, however, the Piggies could stun the Ags and their weird cult of fans.  

Navy -7 @ UConn:  The Huskies will be deflated after almost pulling off the Shocker against Mizzou in the most horrible football game ever played last week (No hyperbole).  Meanwhile, the Fightin’ Semen have their best club in years. Anchors Away in Storrs.  Jim Calhoun must be rollin’ over his grave…   

Ok For Now…..

BC Gonzo

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week 3

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week

Week 3 aka “Weak of Heathen Chemistry”

I’m a man of many obsessions… including but not limited to: collecting bathroom stall poetry in seedy gas station shitters, appreciating costumed college mascots with horse heads, memorizing football stadium seating capacities around the World, ogling over that smoking hot little waitress that works at the Thai restaurant I like, and listening non-stop to Oasis Radio on Pandora.  In fact, the other day my girlfriend implored me to stop continuously singing Oasis songs.  “I said Maybe…”  My main obsession, however, is scouring the bowels of the Innerweb and finding hidden gems in faulty Home Dog September odds; and this week, Treacherous Reader, ye shall profit from that.  D’ ya Know What I Mean?

Fornit Some Fornus!

 

   The Perfect Mascot??

5 Star Platinum Pick:

Notre Dame +2.5 vs. Ga Tech: The one thing these 2 schools have in common is they both have hot-headed, lard-ass head coaches who never actually played a down of major college football. Now that I think about it, both schools hired George O’Leary (also a fat, ill-tempered dimwit who never played)! I suppose their abominable, apoplectic tirades against 18 year olds compensate for their own lack of athletic glory daze. Anyhaught, the Irish Virgins deflate the Bees even with an inexperienced QB, who is now the starter. Yes… Kizer Permanente…

5 Star Pick

Temple -10.5 @ UMass: The Owls finally have a team that would make Bill Cosby proud.  Rumor is he’ll personally buy the entire team Date Night Jell-O Pudding Pop-flavored Roofies if they start the year 3-0. Tem-pole’s suffocating defense should have no problem against the Militia Men. Give a Hoot! Read a Book!

Ole Piss +7 @ Alabama: With his endless supply of illegally recruited thugs, the Human Rake and his rowdy, roddy Rebs will not be intimidated in the confines of Brian Dennehy Stadium. And by the way, to the Water Head who created the Brian Denney Stadium Twitter account: You’re stealing my bit!! Winner of this game advances to the 20^th Century... Don’t be surprised if it’s the Black Bears.

4 Star Pick

Texas +7 vs. Cal: Speaking of classic shithouse poetry, one of my faves of all time: “Hear I sit, buns a flexin’, givin’ birth to another Texan”. Jesus, does that ever get old?  The visiting legion of Bear fans will only help to Keep Austin Weird, but I think Coach Skrong has circled the wagons and will send the Pacifists back to Berkley with Steer Sperm in their Hair.   

Ball St -5 @ E. Michigan: In the preseason, Gonzo called for good ole Testicle U to be a dark horse in the MAC West. This week, the ornery gonads will obliterate a cocky EMU squad still reveling in the glory from their historic, program-defining win in Laramie; and unfortunately for them, their glory hole collapses quickly this week in Ypsilanti.    

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

Florida $t -9 @ Boston College: With each passing year, I can’t think of a better fit than Dumbo Fischer and Tallahassee: a well-scrubbed rube from West Virginia with a meth-induced speech pattern who was reared by the Bowdens and resides quite naturally in the putrid armpit of Florida.  The BC (gonzo) coach might have a sweet mustache but has no shot against F$U.

Flore-duh -3 @ Kentucky: In the 2^nd half of my Sunshine State parlay, Jim McElwain and his felonious Gaytors aren’t about to the let the Kittens beat them for the 1^st time since a young Joe Piscopo was dazzling us with sheer comedic transcendence.  Derek Abney must be rollin’ over in his grave…

Ok For Now…..

BC Gonzo

The Fixer's Throwin' Darts At WEEK THREE Picks

WEEK THREE

ILLINOIS +10 @ North Carolina- Time to see if Mean Gene Chiz-dick can stop a decent QB from lighting his defense up like a crack pipe… Which isn't a cut mentioning crack, bc that's a new athletic department sponsored major at UNC now...

MISSISSIPPI +6½ @ Alabama- I’ve made my fair share of jokes about the human rake, Mr. Freeze, but I am amazed that he can recruit to the last place any of these players would EVER want to go to if they weren’t playing football…Why do all the trees in Alabama tilt to the West? Because Mississippi SUX!

FAU/ BUFFALO Over 63- Both teams have El Matador defenses, Ole’!!!

UTEP -2½ @ New Mexico St- Last Spring, I made the drive from El Paso to Las Cruces, and other than the smell of cowshit, the picturesque views of dying trees and sagebrush, the dust storms, the mud rain and the unbearable heat, it was a fantastic experience…

IOWA ST +8 @ Toledo- Your classic letdown game. The Pocket Rockets have been gaining momentum and overconfidence since their “upset” in Fayettenam. The Cyclones lost a rivalry game and have to turn around and go to Ohio, so yes, I’d be highly annoyed too…

TEXAS +7 vs California- Don’t blame the players or the coaches for what’s become of the football program in Austin. The ones causing all this damage are the entitled boosters who think writing a check every year gives them the authority to dictate happenings and call for the hiring & firing of coaches and administrators… Good thing that doesn’t happen in our government sectors…

BYU +16 @ UCLA- perhaps the NFL should reconsider relocating 3 teams to LA until both of their local college teams can actually sell out a fucking game. No one in that town gives a shit about football when you have that weather and a reality television show for every two-bit talentless assclown crying out for attention…

TEMPLE -10 @ UMass- How have these schools never played each other until this week? 

Selah...