The Atlanta Fixer's 2014 CFB Preview

 

It’s been a LONG Summer… In fact, some mouth breathers out there have yet to let go of the 2013 season and move on to enjoying their summer. Why not fly a kite, read a book, meet a girl… or a guy… And along with the advantages of having our world headquarters located down here in the Dirty South, we must endure a year-round obsession that a lot of the local yokels have for one single piece of the sports’ world… Tune into a local sports channel in March and you’ll hear “College Football countdown: 153 days until we kickoff the season”… Forget baseball, forget the Olympics, forget your mother’s birthday, and forget anything else more meaningful except for a sport. It’s harder to forget about it here especially bc you go to the grocery store or a movie and the vast majority of people round these here parts buy clothing that MUST have their football allegiance displayed all over it.

 So what have we learned since we last left you in January???

-Anyone using the term “Power 5” needs to go back to journalism school or picking up garbage or whatever the fuck they did before thinking they had any ability to intelligently discuss college football. Backwards hat guy at Buffalo Wing Wingz wearing a RGIII jersey swilling Blue Moon & ranting about why he hates schools like La Monroe & Eastern Michigan because they’re “holding back the big boys in the Power 5”, needs to have that orange slice replaced with a buttplug just pulled from the ass of the Wednesday afternoon featured dancer at the Play Late Club on Cheshire Bridge Road…

-Most schools will sell out their traditions, players, and souls to the gear manufacturers who have a team of meth heads designing jerseys, hats, socks, jockstraps, helmet decals, everything. 10yrs from now, the AD at Western Kentucky will look back at their chrome helmets he approved and spit at himself in the mirror. Was it worth the embarrassment and MONEY to get a few players who were too stupid to get into Louisville or Marshall??? Do all those bible-thumping whitebreds in Waco look more “gangster” & “hip” wearing black jerseys and shirts when the first black STUDENTS didn’t walk on that campus until Gilligan’s Island was already in reruns???

-What about certain web sites that are so low rent that every “article” has to be a “Power Ranking” or a goddamn slide show??? “Winners & Losers Of The College Bowl Season” features outdated pics of teams who (imagine this!) WON & LOST their bowl games!!! Apparently, their mongoloid staff are too distracted by computers to understand the basic concepts of writing, even our dipshit interns are educated above a 3^rd grade level and know how to properly design a template so our site looks the slightest bit professional… Every time I email these troglodytes to ask for their definition of a “power ranking”, I get back incoherent mumblings only heard before in the production room for Party Down South…

-40yr old “men” who take off work on a day in early February, take their iPad or laptop to a bar, set up shop, drink sweet tea, and track 18yr old high school boys as they officially pledge their loyalty to a school(for now) have to be the most PATHETIC demographic in the country. Then in April, they use an open scrimmage as an excuse to pretend it’s an October gameday and set up shop in a parking lot arguing with their other douchbag buddies about who was the best recruit from the class 12yrs ago. In June, they start looking at the fresh crop of young boys in the internet, following them on the Twitter, ranting on message boards about why one kid choose another school, and judging a coach’s character bc one player on another team got in trouble with the law… And they wonder why their little bratty kids hate them and their wife is fucking his daughter’s 4^th grade teacher Miss Anderson.

-You’re gonna need A LOT of money to go enjoy a Saturday at a game… Bill Snyder was right- college football has SOLD OUT big time! 10yrs ago a single ticket in the nosebleeds at my school’s stadium was $20, now it’s $65. These soulless ticket brokers(calling them scalpers is an insult to scalpers & Washington Redskin name supporters, but I digress) snatch up all the tickets and mark them up 500%. A CHURCH that we used to all park in(up until 3yrs ago) decided that $600/year for a parking spot in their grass 6 times a year wasn’t making Jesus happy enough, so they upped the fees to $3,000. A Vienna Sausage disguised as a hotdog is being sold for $5, a bottled water is $4 and you have to buy those bc the water fountains look like they were bought at the Trainspotting garage sale…

 

I’m not all bitter, in fact, I’ve mellowed out quite a bit without having to come out of the closet… Lets all enjoy the games without having to go overboard with every meaningless side story involving crab legs & BB guns. We haven’t played a single game yet but radio blowhards with names sounding like Beirut are already throwing out Doomsday scenarios involving those poor souls picking the teams for the “playoff”, who’ll surely receive death threats and be the subject poorly written articles on four letter sport channels’ web sites… I liked the game more when it was all about the game…