2014 BC Gonzo Pix of the Week: Week1

BC Gonzo Pix of the Week

Week 1 aka “Weak of Tradition of Heritage”

Well…yes…So here I go – still scratchin’ around in the same ole hole for Year 11 of the BC Gonzo Pix of the Week.  GonzoFixer: Spanning 2 decades!  Fuck knows college football couldn’t get here fast enough, as this has been the longest, rotten off-season ever – filled with 24 hour coverage of Malaysian Ghost Planes, 89 replays per day of the goddamn Iron Bowl “kick six”, ice bucket challenge douche bags (do they actually give money??), Nazi references about our efficient Word Cup Champions, and empty-headed tributes to Robin Williams (by the way, was his zipper up or down when they found him??) Oh well, at least he hangs around in our memories….

Before we get into our Week 1 treachery, the Atlanta Fixer and I would like to thank our fine sponsors from Ah-Soul Vienna Sausages: “If you can a better mystery meat – then you should buy it!”   

I look to continue my impressive ATS streak from last year into 2014.  It’s been a shit year, as all I’ve done in 2014 is sit around the house reading pre-season rags, watching Tosh.O, and become a fucking hypochondriac.  But we’ll get into all that later.  It’s time to Get Down to Business for now. 

    Was the Tosh..er...Kiffin era the peak of the SC dynasty?

5 Star Platinum Pick

Washington -17 @ Hawaii:  New UW coach and noted Scientologist Chris  Peterson takes his wacky beliefs from the land of genetically modified potatoes to Java World to resurrect the moribund Dachshund program.  Even though he’ll be without his inexperienced, starting QB for this game, the Dawgs will have no problem routing the Flamin’ Rainbows and Norm Chow, who is still looking to become the first Asian-American coach to win more than 3 games in 1 year and successfully navigate the freeway using turn signals. Hey – it’s not a stereotype if it’s true 100% of the time!             

5 Star Picks

Northwestern -11 vs. Cal:  Ah, Teamsters – so lazy and surly… That’s what Pat Fitzgerald could have faced this year had he not strong-armed his team into a “no” vote for unionization. But what a better place for shiftless labor corruption than shit-hole Chicago Land.  Meanwhile, in Hippie Land, Sonny “Bull” Dykes' high-flying offense never took off last year and his defense was well… very liberal.  Look for the Mildkats to come out firing and the Golden Bear defense to go down faster than George Takei at the Dragon Con Festival.

Boston College -17 @ UMass: The “Battle for New England” takes place in the generic suburban erector set known as Gillette Stadium.  By the way, is there a more awful, vile fan base than people  in New England?  And racist.  I will punch the next person that utters “Boston Strong”.  They are just the fucking worst, but fortunately they don’t give 2 shits about college ball.  Anyhaught, the 12,000 fans that go will witness the Minutemen get trashed in only a few minutes.  Afterwards, the crowd flocks to their pubs where they implore some bartender named Steaky to play Everlast non-stop while they watch the Sox and Yankees play for the 94^th time this season.

4 Star Picks

Fresno +21.5 @ Southern Cal: Ah, USC – what a sleazy decade we’ve had fun with, beginning with shit-bag Pete Carroll slithering his way out after being outed for buying half the coast line for his mercenaries to the stand-up hour of Lane Kiffin and his zany jersey-switching, ball-deflating antics.  So what will the Steve Sarkisian regime bring us? Probably a redux of the Ted Tollner reign of mediocrity if I had to wager…  Look for the Sark era to begin with a limp-dick effort against the always tough Grape Chuggers from Fresno. 

W. Kentucky +7.5 vs. Bowling Green: This “Battle of the Bowling Greens” features Bowling Green traveling to, um, Bowling Green.. for an away game?? Wait, I’m confused now. Do you think the residents in these horrible states ever talk shit over who has the biggest Bowling Green? What is a Bowling Green anyway? Why does it hurt when I pee? Why doesn’t either school have green in their colors? Or even a bowling team? So many questions…  Anyhow! Look for the Toppers to prevail in Gonzo’ Friday Night Upset Special. 

3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks)

NC State -20.5 vs. Ga Southern: Pack coach Dave Derpiful really shit the bed in Year 1 but looks to rebound this year after multiple, off-season counseling sessions from hoops coach Mark “Bubbles” Gottfried. At least that’s what I assume they were doing.. And not chasing skirts all over campus.  Beginning with this game, it’ll be a rough transition year for the Eagles who will now no longer run the chop-block, ACL tear-inducing, antique option offense  Paul Johnson must be rollin’ over in his grave… . 

Purdue -10 vs. W. Michigan: Despite how the official Purdue athletics site defines a “Boilermaker”, there’s mounting evidence the original definition is: “a sexual position in which two men sit on each other’s face and proceed to crap”. If you doubt me, I refer you to ubrbandictionary.com. If it’s on there – it’s got to be true!  Regardless of the origin, I’m really glad I changed my mind about joining that lousy International Brotherhood of Boilermakers…. Where was I?  Oh yeah – Purdue trashes the Broncos at Ross-Ade. 

Ok For Now…..

BC Gonzo