The Fixer's Week One Prognostications

                                           Only known photo of The Fixer since 2008

“Come on over, baby, and jump into my Time Machine”…

You gotta admit, you missed us. You can’t honestly say that the last 3+ years were pleasant and fulfilling in terms of how your college football was presented to you. Oh, and please refer to our short time on the Facepage as the Bobby Ewing in the shower dream sequence, it never happened. I was sitting in front of my TV a few weeks ago, sampling the various clip joint networks treating college football fans like I treated my kid sister’s Barbie. And it’s about to get worse. The state of Florida should be designated the official cesspool for post-athletic dysplexic nimrods who are never held accountable for being “experts” at telling how to think about your favorite sport. My cats(yep, I have cats, dick) have coughed up more interesting things than analyzing a single tackle 5 billion times and showing the same 3 highlights over and over and over and… Let’s just go back to our favorite things: gawking at cheerleaders, making new friends in the bathroom, smuggling in bourbon & rooting for our favorite team… Thanks for tracking us down, we apologize for not leaving a forwarding address…

Thirsty Thursdays

Utah -3 vs Utah St- I like it when rivals bash heads at the beginning of the year. The Utes are promoting a “White Out” for this game, which means they want all their fans to not wear shirts & most of their players’ families aren’t allowed in t he stadium… The game kicks at dusk so the glare of pale skin won’t hamper the players from fielding passes from pasty rubber-armed Ichiod Crane wannabes…

North Carolina +11½ @ South Carolina- During my hiatus I worked as a janitor at the On The Border gift shop & taco stand & truck stop on the NC/SC border. Ever see a lot lizard make $14 the hard way without using her toes??? By the way, Dillon, SC sounds as dirty as it is. They recently elected a palmetto bug to congress…

Southern Cal -22 @ Hawaii- Faced with the overwhelming chore of replacing his daddy, Lane went ala Nittany Lions and grabbed a petterass to tighten up the D. The competition is on to see who the next Matt Leinart will be all-the-while probation and el nino continue to wear the Trojans thin. Too bad the Rainbow Warriors aren’t retiring Colt Brennan’s jersey to get the crowd above 5,000, the rest will be begging Jim Nebors to toss them free pineapples and visiting the site where Elvis impregnated Paula Austin.

Georgia -1½ @ Clemson- The last time the Tigers won a meaningful game I was leaving my C3P0 & Greedo dolls in the backyard for my dad to shred with the lawnmower as he jammed out to Juice Newton & Christopher Cross on his WalkMan. No, it wasn’t last season, but close… What’s a worse storyline: The f-ed up rock or the JawJuh mouth breathers still devastated about the Alabama games being on the radio in Hotlanta now???

BYU -3 @ Virginia- The last time I liked two Mormons in one week, I was playing the home game version of Big Love. There’s gotta be a better way to spend a Saturday than sitting in a stadium in Charlottesville complaining about the price of designer mouse pads and why everyone’s kids are named after someone else’s last name… "My daughter Covington was so sad when daddy fired the help for getting arm hair in his pea soup"

Nebraska -27½ vs Wyoming- I don’t know why I’m so turned off by Midwestern freckly dimwits, but they do play ball and they do make for great contestants on lose the fat shows.  My only request is that they allow the few hundred Cowboy fans 30 minutes to skip town before they pour into the streets devouring everything with a pulse. I guess Tom Osborne is safe…

Florida -23 vs Toledo- I totally expect the Pocket Rockets to be drained of all their bodily fluids well before halftime, unless the Gator fans have improved on their aim plunking opposing fans & players with piss-filled urethra bags. All the while some ricky busts into some veteraniarian office in Ocala to swindle horse tranquilizer while all the cops are feeling up bleach blondes in the Golden Corral parking lot.

Ohio St -35 vs Buffalo- I don’t really feel like a bashing of the Bucknuts would be productive. Since all you guys subscribe to the usual suspects of hammerheads writing the same article about the same shit, I’ll spare you. Let’s just say there’s no reason to think that any dogs will be called off when a coach and a pseudo-potential award-winning QB have to live up to the hype of the Four Letter Sports Channel.