Week 1 aka “Tradition of
Heritage Weak”
Welcome
to the 10th year of the BC Gonzo Pix of the Week. You’ve undoubtedly heard about the infamous 4
year hiatus of GonzoFixer and some of the hazy reasons – like extradition and a
brief stint in the Nervous Hospital getting cleaned up from the Wild
Turkey. What you don’t know is that our GonzoFixer.com
site was swindled from us and sold to a sketchy porn outfit in Nicaragua. The gutless turd (or parts of him) that now
resides in Detroit knows what he did, and if I ever encounter him again, I’ll
rip out his goddamn lungs. Then again,
maybe being banished to that end-stage shit hole is punishment enough…
In
any case, we here at GonzoFixer are disappointed with the proliferation of
shock-jock, window-licking bloggers,
fan-boys, and dudes who “Power Rank!” shit with slide shows who think that
constitutes writing. Over the past 4
years, the visionaries that we are have only intensified our acumen for picking
winners and our collective hate, bitterness, and general bad vibes.
But
we’ll get into all that later. Before we Get
Down to Business, though, I’m happy to relaunch Gonzo’s Sage Advice. Week 1’s Sage Advice is for you married
Thugs: Eatin’ Ain’t Cheatin’
5 Star Platinum Pick
Georgia -1.5 @ Clemson: The state of Jaw-juh is a
noxious combination of pretentious transplants that now claim Southern status!, 30+year old hipsters
who drink PBR by choice, would-be ganstas hustling MARTA victims for Fanta change
and rednecks perfecting the Meth Death Stare.
But one thing binds them together – the unyielding, very tired 10 month
old mantra of “godamnit – we was only 5
yards and 5 seconds short against Bama” bit. If their coaches, QBs and mouth-breathing
fans can actually let that fucking dead horse die, they can focus on a big
year. Meanwhile, the Klempson faithful
have high hopes and talent out the ass but will only disappoint once again with
another water-head (But he played for the
Tide!!) coaching them to their rightful 2nd tier status. Look for Andy Murray and Co. to light up the
score board in Dumb Valley and Monday’s radio waves to be filled with “HAYY! DEM BULLDAWGS GONE WIN DA SEC THIS
HERE YEAR?”.
5 Star Picks
Minnesota -14 vs. UNLV: Unfortunately for the Gophers, the only
headlines in the TC press they’ve garnered the past four years has been the
ongoing moral debate about selling beer at TCF Stadium and not the ongoing
ineptitude of the “U”’s football squad.
Well... what do you expect when name your
team after a rodent that Thugs in North Dakota like to decapitate with rifle
bullets for Sport. Oh well – they’ll get
their rare blowout at home over a Vegas team (led by their Dead Man Walking
former Montana Rapist Grizzlies coach) more known for their off-season antics
of gang-rape Bukkake sessions and playing in a shitty stadium that stoners
fondly recall from last decade’s jam-band show (“Godaamn man – I got chills
when Phish played Ghost at the 2004 show!!”)
Oklahoma -23.5 vs. LA Monroe: The smuggest, smarmiest asshole of all D1
coaches (yes – he somehow managed to beat out Urban Crier) thinks he has found
the next Johnny Manzeer (“Bro! Manzeer!
Bro! Manzeer!”) in frosh QB Trevor Knight.
Well – he’s key-ect, assuming Trevor can pull off hamming it up with
coke buddies, lying to the NCAA, developing bad meth acne, and generally coming
across as Amerika’s next Douche Nozzle.
Anyway, look for Stoops and the Dust Bowl Okies to send the Injuns back
on a trail of tears to the arm pit of NE Louisiana.
4 Star Picks
Oklahoma State -12.5 vs. Miss. State: Speaking of the
garbage fire otherwise known as the ill-fated land-grab otherwise known as
Oklahoma, the state’s bastard-child Pokeys are hopeful they can pull off another
2011 and lose to a shitty team in November and bitch about the System Fuckin Us and secretly be
thankful they didn’t get rolled by SEC Thugs.
Well, they get their chance to show the mighty SEC on Sattidy by beating
up on the conference’s historic Gimp. Anyway, after this massacre in the
Houston
wasteland, I’ll call for a gloating victorious Gundy to give T.
Boone a thumbs up reach-around!
Texas State +7.5 @ Southern Piss: As Coach fRan enters his 3rd year
at this bottom-feeder, he’s already getting itchy for his next career move.
Only problem is – he’s 128 years old, has a nasty thyroid condition
contributing to his morbid obesity, and still has the stigma of screwing his
current wife when she merely 14. In any
case, He’s loaded up on JUCO’s in preparation for his kick-ass swansong, while
Southern Piss still reels from a winless and hatless season chaired by a 1-hit
wonderless grease brain – Ellis Johnson….
Ugh.
3 Star Picks (shits
and giggles picks)
LSWho??? -4 vs. TCU: Public Service Announcement
for the citizens of Arlington: Don't be alarmed by the rotund, tank-top wearing fans with limited communication skills who drag tents and beer coolers around as though they're surgically attached. That's just passionate Tiger fans. Aside from the pre-game story line of 2 grown men in a month long pissing contest about who plays and who doesn't, the suspense
ends really quickly with a Bayou Beat Down at the World’s Largest Homage to the
Crypt Keeper.
FAU +32.5 @ Miami: I’ve heard this game referred
to as the “Schnellenberger Bowl”. I
suppose that means the 12,000 fans at (“Your
COMPANY’S name here this week”) Stadium will have a collective flashback of
their baby-sitting alcoholic, senile grandfather burning them with cigarettes
while their parents enjoy “date-night” over a box of Chablis and a McDLT
dinner. Anyway, the Owls somehow keep this respectable against the lifeless
Canes still awaiting the NCAA jelly-finger.
Give a Hoot! Read a Book!
Ok
For Now…..
BC Gonzo
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