WEEK 14
So there’s 15 games this week, so what the hell, let’s pick ‘em
ALL! And just for you, because I like you, I’ll list them in order that I like
them, best to marginal… Happy Conference Championship(and the rest of the bullshit) Week!
NORTHERN ILLINOIS +13 @ Bowling Green- Methinks yet another school
is hiding in the head coach’s bathroom on the Falcons’ campus. They flushed out
Oscar Meyer using blackmail pics of him naked with a bowl of Jello… For the
record, he claimed that he was “hot & hungry”…
NEW MEXICO ST +1 @ La Monroe- So the Aggies have a wild west
gunman as their mascot, despite being a cow college. And the WarHawks used to
have an Indian as a mascot despite being in East Texas wasteland. So in some
bizarre fucked up way, they should be rather hostile towards each other.
BAYLOR -20 vs Texas- These schools are separated by 102 miles as
well as 102 years of evolution.
FLORIDA +18 vs Alabama- Usually, when Bama fans(not Bama GRADS)
shoot their mouths off with overconfidence, as they have been doing all goddamn
week, the football spirits(I used to say “gods” but got death threats from all
the monotheists) reign down upon them a couple of unusual happenings in a game
like this…
SAN DIEGO ST -6½ vs Air Force- Pretty soon, the Aztecs will be the
only game in town as the Bolts bolt for greener pastures. Actually, I need to correct
myself, there are no green pastures in Cali anymore because they used up all
their water making golf courses in Palm Desert acceptable to 90yr old coots…
MICHIGAN ST -3½ vs Iowa- So no one gave the Hawkeyes a chance all
year, and they won. Now that people are actually giving them a chance this
week, they’ll lose. It’s a vicious but accurate cycle of this school…
WEST VIRGINIA -5½ @ Kansas St- Since they started selling beer at
Mountaineer games, fights and bad behavior inside their stadium has DECREASED
by 40%. But this game is in Manhattan. And the people making decisions in
Kansas could fuck up your cup of coffee if given the chance…
WESTERN KENTUCKY -7½ vs Southern Miss- His name is Jeff Hammond…
His name is Jeff Hammond… His name is Jeff Hammond… This idiot hired Ellis
Johnson & Donny Tyndall… And in a semi-related story, he is now the house
boy for USM’s president, polishing is nob and driving him to The Huddle House…
NORTH CAROLINA +5 vs Clemson- In Thomas Green Clemson’s last will
& testament, he wished that the agricultural school he founded would be run
& managed just like the farming school of Mississippi. After a round of
laughs and water spitting, they agreed to run the school properly…
ARKANSAS ST -25 vs Texas St- That Four Letter Sports Network
thought that if they actually put this game on one of their channels, that they’d
lose another 7 million viewers, so you’ll need a wire to the Interweb in order
to see this pillow fight…
HOUSTON -5 vs Temple- The creole sausage poboy at Frenchy’s
Chicken across the street from TDECU Stadium is worth the Frogger-like crossing
of Wheeler Ave to get it…
SOUTHERN CAL +5 vs Stanford- I’ll save you the trouble of watching
this game: “Blah blah David Shaw is a great coach… Blah blah they’re playing
the Super Bowl on this shitty field in 2 months… Blah Blah is the Trojan’s new
coach underrated… Blah Blah Blah Blah…”
LOUISIANA LAFAYETTE -2 vs Troy- Multiple choice question for the
junkies out there: The phans of Troy & the Rajun Cajuns most resemble the
members of which band? A)Mumford & Sons B)Slipknot C)Nickelback D)If you
know what any of these bands look like, you are a fuckstick & deserve
eternal ridicule…
APPALACHIAN ST -18 @ South Alabama- “Thanks” to the Sun Belt
Conference for not putting these games on television earlier in the week. And “Screw
You” to the Sun Belt Conference for putting these games in front of me on
Saturday…
GEORGIA ST +21 @ Georgia Southern- If the Panther’s charter buses
survive the fucked up trip down I-16 to Statesboro, I will personally donate $5
to their renovation project of Turner Field… The blown out tires strewn along
that road has recently been voted as the new official State Flower of Georgia…
Selah...
