The Fixer's Week Five Prognostications

Week Five:

I was recently making fun of the numb nut “Power Rankers” who spend their time telling us who they think are the best at doing whatever in college football, get it? So I posed the question to many of the hammerheads to find out what exactly is the difference between ranking some category and “POWER” ranking some group of whatever. Turns out, some of these guys actually amass data Moneyball style, and as I do, props, have a scientific method to their madness. Other responses to my question included the “Screw you, hack!” & “Your(sic) an idiot”… typical of amateur wannabe bloggers disguising themselves as Twitter celebs. As far as GonzoFixer is concerned, one day we fully expect our data to wake up ala Cyberdine Systems and kill us all…

OREGON ST -11 vs Colorado- Like clockwork, when expectations in Corvallis are high, they disappoint. So after the rats have fled the ship, I expect the Beavers to throw out a Hong Kong Stomp…

NC State -23½ vs Michigan Directional School #273- The Wolfpack’s coach used to stomp on the nuts of the Chipmunks when he was winning conference titles in DeKalb, Illinois, not East Atlanta. Regardless, expectations in Raleigh have not passed earlier hope that Hangover III would rock…

SMU +20 @ Texas Christian- There are millions of people living in the Metroplex, but only hundreds of losers think that spending their Saturday watching these two teams play football (like old people fuck) is entertainment. Cow tipping season must be over…

SOUTH CAROLINA -7 @ Middle Florida- Rumor has it that the Chickens needed to prove they could win a non conference game out of the state. But in reality, the clowns running the Palmetto Bug State are doing a comprehensive cockroach bombing of the entire landscape, those who are incapable of fleeing will just get dumber…

EAST CAROLINA +12 @ North Carolina- So Keenan Ivory Wayans Stadium is going to be decorated to celebrate their tradition of heritage that is a remedial boring state flag. Maybe they should put their funds towards monitoring all the rampant academic fraud and booster-sponsored automobiles.

UCONN -1 @ Buffalo- Why would anyone care about his game if they didn’t bet on it??? I’d rather watch the 1978 Sabres/Whalers double OT clash than see even one punt in this pillow fight…The Fixer Askew Point Spread Index threw up a high red flag on this one, I think something’s rotten in Denmark… Or just good cheese…

LA TECH +2 vs Army- Hey Kids! Do you like terrible coaches??? Do you like seeing no talent assclowns getting jobs bc their daddys know someone??? Then man, do I have the school for you to root for! Skip Holtz could fuck up a cup of coffee if you let him, but his decrepit daddy Lou doesn’t own any Starbucks in Rushton…

SAN JOSE ST +9½ vs Utah St- The whores who screwed over the Bay Area to get a new 49ers stadium hours south of SanFran are now bidding to host the CFB Playoff in 20-whatever. I hear that new joint will have machines that wipe your ass and Tweet your disdain for your coach all at once…

Totally Awesome!!!

Kent St/ Western Mich Over 52- The last time I saw a Golden flash and a bronco in the same place, I was in Tijuana

Iowa/ Minnesota Under 47- “I don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. All I have is fuckin’ Floyd!!”

Akron/Bowling Green Over 52- The  local Golden Corral in BG has shipped in the heavy duty Las Vegas Chocolate Fountain with Bowden in town…

Boise St/ Southern Piss Over 55- One day when I’m old(er) and mellow, I hope to tell my grandchildren about that silly time in history when schools thought it was cute to play on colored plastic…

Selah…